Time to end marriage

[unsureaboutmarriage]

Hi, I’m long term poster but have nc for this. Sorry this is a long post
I’ve been married 20 yrs 3 kids ages 11,14,16.
DH and I have had a fair amount of arguing in our marriage but never enough to think about splitting up. He admits to gaslighting me at times, can be undermining to me also. This has been noticed by some of my friends and family. I’ve been trying to improve our relationship by us spending more time together which seemed to help to an extent.
However I generally feel more distant from him and have also been questioning whether I still love him.
I have a male hobby friend that I’ve known for about a year, he’s also married. We’ve spend quite a lot of time together doing hobby stuff and that’s moved to having coffee together after hobby too. We message a bit but nothing beyond friendship stuff.
My husband recently accused me of having an affair with hobby friend. I do like him but nothing has happened between us at all, and I think if I didn’t feel so unhappy in my marriage I wouldn’t have feelings for someone else. I’ve no intention of having an affair. I just see in him a man who is more respectful of me, and who actually enjoys spending time with me.
After the accusation DH read my phone and subsequently read my journal which he knows is private. There was nothing in either of any concern but the invasion of privacy really hurt me. He also keeps appearing near hobby location when I’m with friend (outside hobby in public location)
The worst part was this week when i discovered DH has been secretly filming in our bedroom to ‘catch me out’.
He lied about this when I confronted him, said it wasn’t switched on (I had heard it clicking so know it was on). I gave him another chance to be honest a few days later and he lied again.
I feel devastated that he has invaded my privacy like this, and then lied about it. He clearly doesn’t trust me, and I can no longer trust him.
We’ve talked a lot and he says he will do counselling to ‘understand himself better’ but I feel like the secret filming and subsequent lies are probably too much to forgive.
Has anyone been in this type of situation and managed to repair the broken trust?

What do you mean by secret filming

so you do have feelings for your friend?

He set up a camera hidden in our bedroom

I do have feelings for my friend but I’ve not acted on this and have no intention of. I suspect it will fade in time and we will remain just friends. I’m just very unhappy in my marriage and think maybe having feelings for someone else is a sign that things won’t improve with dh

That is illegal and I’m sure you can get a custodial sentence for it

However you are having what I would call an emotional affair so your husband is rightly suspicious of you

She's not really having an emotional affair. She just has a friend.

He gaslights you, stalks you, reads your private journal and films you without consent..fuck that!
He has shown you time and time again what type of person he is..believe him and leave

He has broken the law by installing a recording device in your bedroom and it's a very worrying sign of controlling behaviour.

I'd make plans to leave, as quietly as possible. First step probably to see a solicitor.

Husband sounds awful but OP has got to be joking. She has feelings for her friend and still spends time with him to “let the feelings fade.”

She would be crucified if she were a man.

New guy will probably remain respectful until he gets his leg over.

Your husband is probably cheating and projecting his guilt onto you. Do you think that's a possibility? The hidden camera, journal reading, phone checking and gaslighting are all unforgivable, so I think your marriage is over.

I’m not ever going to have an affair. It’s not unusual to develop a crush on someone but I do feel bad about that. However it’s just feelings, in my head. It’s not actions. I don’t think it justifies dh crossing so many boundaries does it?
Ive actually got an initial session with a solicitor next week to try to understand what the implications of us splitting up will be

becky the fact he has lied about this (and also lied about smaller things in the past) does make me wonder. It’s hard to know what he’s capable of now as I didn’t think he would do what he has. He’s always been adamant that if either of us ever lost trust in the other it would be the end of our marriage. But now that I’m saying I can’t trust him he has changed his tune

Read up on morbid jealousy or paranoid jealousy. Be careful, you will not be able to prove you are not having an affair, ever.once in this mindset he will just continue to look for proof and you will find yourself changing your behaviour to ensure you give no grounds for any possible suspicion. That is coercive control and a form of abuse

Just leave him.
This will not get better.
Life is not a dress rehearsal.

Why did he say one was even set up?

He said he was convinced he would catch me having an affair. This happened more than a week after the initial conversation, not done straight away though he lied about the timing of this too