Was this sexual assault?

[oncewereroses]

Hi.
My long term marriage ended recently, and it ended pretty horribly.
If I went into proper detail, I’d never get to my question but the separation under one roof saw my “best friend” of thirty plus years ( married to for part of that) become emotionally and psychologically abusive, then legally and financially - trying to force me out of the region where our son goes to school and is solidly a member of the community. He failed. This was all done while I was seriously ill and in and out of hospital.

We had issues with sex . He was emotionally unavailable for years , would not go to counselling ,overbearing family - probably on both sides but his were allowed to stay pleasantly at our house - mine spent six years in air bob’s and motels when visiting, we had communication issues, he would not accept intimacy included general affection - which was necessary for me, and I carried the full life admin load. He abrogated it all. Never organised anything. You all know the story. I was so busy with all that, a chronic illness or two that was hitting a bad period and kids I missed how much he’d been checking out . He didn’t cheat, I guess.

One of the things that led me to end the marriage were some things my former husband admitted in emails ( yes, our communication was really rubbish) when he was again raising the issue of our sex life and beginning the first of a series of ultimatums he told he had decided on and would not discuss, and I was again raising the idea of counselling to get some help. He said that “ He didn’t see me unless he wanted sex”. And that” he’d known that on many occasions I hadn’t wanted to have sex, but he’d gone ahead anyway because he knew I’d let him”
( me doing that, had set me up with a sexual aversion to be honest , and with no other general intimacy from him , it got harder and harder to do . I had loved him forever, I wanted to things to work but I knew we needed a therapist in spades)

Was that assault? He knew I didn’t want to have sex but would gradually coerce me into it either over a day or so, and I’d give in to get him to leave me alone?

and thank you if you answer.
I am struggling very hard to reconcile what happened with who I thought I was married to .

My first marriage was very similar.. Would never give him the satisfaction of referring to myself as his victim...
He is an exh. I am a great dw now with a great dh. He is a distant bad memory and nothing more.

And excuse my typos please. I’ve been debating posting anything for a long time and I had to hit post in a hurry before I changed my mind.

I’m glad to hear it.
I’m nowhere near there yet but it’s nice to here it’s possible.

Sexual coercion.

Oops, sorry, posted too soon.

Yes, sexual coercion is when you're basically bullied into sex by a partner by manipulation, emotional blackmail, nagging etc. There's no true consent in eventually "giving in" to unwanted sex.

I doubt he has a legal/criminal case to answer but if he's put that in writing it certainly won't look good for him in divorce proceedings.

And what he's said about it shows he was well aware and didn't care about lack of consent.

I don't think it meets the legal definition of sexual assault per se but it's certainly sexually abusive.

Would it help to put it in reverse and think about it like this:
If you had been really horny
But you knew your husband wasn't
But you had a previous history of making his life very unpleasant if he denied you sex
Would you then think: "I know he doesn't want sex but if I tell him we're having it, he'll be too frightened to say no. Result for me!"

Would you do any of that? NO you would not. Because you're not abusive. And the thought of making someone you love miserable to meet your own selfish wants, that wouldn't even cross your mind.

I'm very glad you are out of this now.

Yeah, he put it in writing.
And he was well aware, for a long time.
We’re financially separated but not divorced. ( not UK so a bit different perhaps)
I have spent a fair bit of time in a kind of shock at what I didn’t notice, and have gotten funnelled into multiple domestic violence channels over the last while when recounting the bare basics of the last fifteen months. I’m being shown that much of the whole relationship towards the end and earlier was abusive and I keep needing to check. Even though I know it’s correct?

I think in the situation you kind of normalise, minimise or justify it - and often gaslighting and a nice/nasty cylcle is part of the abuse, which makes you second-guess yourself. And it's hard to reconcile the man you love/loved with the man who abuses you.

Worth speaking to Rape Crisis or equivalent in your country. They will not judge, just listen and if you want advise on what you can do next. Yes, its rape I'm afraid. So sorry OP.

Coerced consent is not true consent. He was abusive.

Thank you .