I shouldn't say anything should I?

[WinonaHorseRider]

A friend of mine who I will call Emma has been with her partner who I will call Mike for 15 years, engaged for 5 and they have three children together. They got engaged after their third child, their first son, was born.

Emma and I went to school together and used to be close but through the years life has taken over and we meet up 1-2x a year max and text each other a few times a year.

Emma met Mike in her late teens and became pregnant by him after several weeks not knowing he had a gf at the time. He and his gf split up and he got with Emma, remaining together and expanding their family to this day.

Recently my sister was at the pub and overheard Mike say to friends that he's with Emma because of the kids, still thinks his ex is hot and saw her at the gym and couldn't stop looking and that he doesn't even know why he's getting married. Later in the evening (my sister thinks he had spotted her by this point) he said he loves Emma really and wouldn't be without her and was just joking earlier.

Is it worth mentioning any of this to Emma? Bare in mind their wedding is next year and I'm be in attendance. My DP thinks it's not worth the drama and pointed out that this isn't a particularly uncommon situation (we have other close friends who have been on the brink of breaking up for over a decade because he says he's only staying for the kids and she says she wants more).

My gut tells me not to say anything but is that cowardly?

He probably is only with her for the kids, but then he is also probably just a bloke chatting shit after too many pints with his mates in the pub.

What do you hope would be achieved by telling your friend ?

I suppose I feel obliged. As though I'm keeping something from her. I also selfishly worry that she finds out at some point and knows that my sister knew, that I likely knew, and why didn't I say anything.

I don't hope anything would be achieved. I'd rather not say anything and am inclined not to but am worried this is wrong.

Not a nice situation for you or for Emma.

I think if you say anything it's going to be a classic 'shoot the messenger' scenario. Mike will deny it, you'll look like the bad guy, the wedding will go ahead and neither bride/groom will give you the time of day going forward.

I have a friend who overheard her dp saying similar himself
She still married him and they're still together 10 years later
I wouldn't say anything

I wouldn’t say anything. Reading threads on MN it’s clear that many women are also only with their partners because of the kids, I don’t think it’s unusual.

Don’t give it a second thought.

More people than not end up ‘settling’ in some way with relationships, the man hasn’t actually done anything wrong (other than maybe having what should have been a private conversation in a public place.)

It's a tough one. You are damned if you do and damned if you don't.

My gut instinct, like yours, would be not to say anything.

He could have just been showing off in front of his friends, which still isn't an excuse, but if you tell her and she confronts him, he will make his excuses and she will still marry him and your friendship would sadly, most likely, be over.

If she was child-free I'd say tell her but as it is she's going to be in a better financial position presumably if she does marry him. Who knows, he could have just been sounding off, he may have the one who got away which a lot of women do have as well, or he might be a complete pig.

I don’t think you are close enough tbh.
And it’s second hand information…

Tbh there is another reason why I would stay quiet. They 3 kids, they are not married. That means she has no protection at all. I suspect from the context she doesn’t work or work in a low paid job.
Shell do better with the protection of marriage tbh.

tbh unless he has done anything that you are secure you know like messaging or more, leave it alone. we all go through bad patches and need to let off steam, sometimes wording it selfishly

It’s really sad but i would stay well clear - if it was a family member I might say differently

I think steer well clear. We have a few friends in similar situations, I couldn’t believe how common it is 😏

No, you keep shtum and let Emma get married like she should have done years ago to protect herself and those 3 children.

Don't bother

Why is everyone assuming that Emma would benefit more from marriage than Mike? She might have a higher paid job/ more assets and therefore be financially disadvantaged by marrying someone who is not that into her.

but then he is also probably just a bloke chatting shit after too many pints with his mates in the pub.

Yes, but even if he was just 'chatting shit'. What a horrible thing to say about the person you are marrying. Plus the added extra about how hot his ex is, that he sees at the gym. Is disrespecting your fiancee and mother of your children ok suddenly if its after a few pints?

I would want to know if my DP said something like that. I wouldn't want to marry someone who thought it ok to chat shit like that, even if they apparently didn't mean it. Or who talked to their mates after saying shit like that, about how hot another woman at the gym is.

I don't know the answer. But I think if Emma was my friend, I would tell her. Just a simple, look I overheard your DP in the pub and I really don't know how to put this, but think you should know what he was saying.

Its her choice then.

Only say something if Emma is the higher earner or owns a house in her sole name while Mike doesn't.

If it's the more usual situation of the man owning all the assets & having his career totally undamaged by childcare, keep schtum & let her get the financial protection she needs from marriage.

As far as you're aware, all he's guilty of is loose talk & ignorant disloyalty.
Don't jeopardise Emma's prospects of security because Mike mouthed off in a pub.
If he acts on his dick-led fantasy after the marriage, more fool him, & at least Emma won't be left up shit creek with 3 kids.

This.

You’d want to know yourself, wouldn’t you? Preferably before you wasted time and money on marrying him. I mean she can do that anyway if she wants to, but then it’s her choice. It won’t be the easy way out for you, but it would be the right one for her.

I'm unsure. Not a good situation for you to be in.
I saw my friend's HUSBAND ask his ex for her number on a night out and repeatedly (try) to hug her and I told my friend and she no longer speaks to me... some people have an inkling that their partner is far from perfect but they don't want to know.

What if you tell her but they decide to go ahead with the marriage, as is likely as he's just said shitty things, not done anything as far as you know, will you still go to the wedding?

I would want to know. Others don't.
The problem is you can't even tell her through an anonymous note or anything because her fiancée will know its her sister who has told you who has informed her.

Your sister*

Keep your nose out. Nothing to be gained by upsetting the apple cart. He probably does think his ex looks hot, but that doesn't necessarily mean he wants to leave Emma.
Sometimes ppl say stuff they don't really mean, usually when alcohol is involved

He’s probably not that into her tbh. Chances are they’ll split up at some point due to his cheating, or maybe because he meets someone else and leaves your friend. If she’s the lower earner she’s better off being married when this happens. If she’s wealthier than him she should not marry him.

But the problem is that he’ll deny it and you’ll lose her friendship.

I think most men are with their partners if they have children after a while, and it's too much hassle and financially risky to leave, plus thye couldn't manage the children on their own most likely what's new lol?