Can somebody change?

[Canyouchange]

If someone is seeking therapy, do you think they can truly change? A relationship that was previously toxic and predictably challenging; could it ever be good?

Not sure about that and high risk surely.

"I know he/she has been unkind/abusive in the past but I think they will change for me"

Or

"I know he/she has been unkind/abusive in the past but I think I am the right person to change them"

I'm not saying it never happens....

No, I think that's such a dangerous and romanticised notion. The transformative power of love is a nonsense. I think you can feel like you're transformed by love and like you want to be a better person, but that's like the hormones and honeymoon stage - you're still who you were before, once the fresh shine wears off.

People can only properly change for themselves - eg. an alcoholic can confront their own alcoholism and work on recovery, but they can only do it if they really want it for themselves, not doing it for other people. Or someone can go to therapy to understand themselves better and address patterns, but they have to want to engage and live it.

It also shifts far too much responsibility from the person to their partner - like my sobriety/mental health/whatever is in your hands, if we row, if you leave, if you challenge me, I'll pick up the bottle/kill myself/go back to dealing/whatever. It's not fair or healthy.

I wasn't happy in my marriage,was always looking out for something better, had a few affairs and finally left.

I am now married and happy and would never cheat on my husband. He treats me so much better than my exh

So I changed

Would you want to be the person someone changed for? What would happen to them if you left? Would you want to be their alternative to the path of doom?

I wouldn't.

I suppose it all depends on how much power person A and person B have. If person B has all the power and is unkind sometimes, it's unlikely they will change out of the goodness of their heart.

I don't think that anyone can ever change FOR someone else.
And I am not sure that is healthy. And Iam certain that it doesn't last.

People do make healthy choices because of life and relationships, eg stopping drinking when trying to conceive etc so those sort of changes are possible FOR someone else. But they are not the sort of change that you are talking about.

But genuine deep long lasting change only comes when you want to do it for yourself, when you recognise that they way you are isn't working and needs to change.
It usually also needs help, counselling, medication, support etc.

I wouldn't either.