is there hope for us

[anonyrose]

Is there hope for my relationship?
Ive been with my bf for 3 years and we both wanted to marry each other. A few months ago, he asked to breakup, this was a shock for me and it was revealed that we had issues in our relationship (my insecurities etc) which build up through out the years and it was too much for him to bear. I promised him I would work on myself and be better if he gave me another chance and he agreed. For the past 2 months, I have been doing much better and my bf agrees that if we were always like this he wouldnt have wanted to break up. He also thinks the relationship is somewhat nicer than what it was before. However, he has very strong doubts about us working and for now doesnt see a future together. He thinks we may work out in the future but he seems unsure now. He also feels as if he loves and cares about me but the feelings may not be romantic anymore. He is willing to invest and work together and communicate more. We will also be going into long distance in 2 months as well. Having said that is there any hope for us working? He wants this to work but doesnt seem to have hope.

Come on now - why are you letting anyone treat you like this? Tell him to piss off with his thoughts and chances.

This man is not going to help you overcome any insecurities you might have. Find a better one.

but im the one who had issues

Being with someone who tells you he doesn't love you and sees no future for you, and constantly waiting to see if he approves of your behaviour, is not going to make your issues better.

I think he wants to be free to find someone new when he goes long distance but have it end in a way that if you end up near each other in the future and he hasn’t found someone else he can try and spark it back up.

Men rarely leave a relationship if they haven't had their head turned. They more often than not find some fault with the current woman, to justify the fact they want to leave her. And to make sure you know it's your fault and to lower your self esteem. Of course they were your issues!

He can dress is up any way he likes @anonyrose but if you start doubting what he's telling you you might start to see what those of us without the ties can see. And your strength will grow, and you will decide what you want and be able to make decisions for yourself

No. Sorry.

i does love me, he just isnt sure if its romantic anymore. its more that he wants this but doesnt know if its possible

Yeah
and he’s had enough for what ever reasons they killed what you had you both need to move on

He wants to keep you to fall back on if the other one doesn't work out for him.

if he loves you then it should be romantic. this crap about "i love you but am not in love with you" or "i love you but dont fancy you" is just that utter crap. its to give him a get out of jail card when he goes and shags someone else of course you feel shit about yourself and it causes you issues! If my husband kept telling me this I would feel dreadful as well. OUt there is someone that will love and care for you for who you are. they will spend their whole time, building you up, making you feel wanted loved and good about yourself. He has told you he doesnt see a future together so believe him. otherwise he is just going to keep you stringing along, having sex with you until the next best thing comes along and he dumps you.

You're going long distance in two months? Yeah he's breaking things off now so he's free to date when you move apart

I have zero time for blokes who put everything in the woman to fix. Oh gosh if only you were just a bit thinner, happier, less emotional, fine with me fucking off out every night with my mates I could see us working.

Nah. I don't see it working out. But I don't see that as a bad thing.

I think he wants out but lacks the guts to say it outright.
In your shoes, I’d tell him to eff off. He’s wasting your time.
Listen to us. Move on.

No wonder you are insecure. Honestly leave his arsenal and find someone better.

If you are to stand any chance take your power back now & let him go. If you show him he can do this to you he will

does love me, he just isnt sure if its romantic anymore
So he loves you like a sister/friend huh? That's what my exh said when he was having his affair. Needless to say, I did not want to live and have sex with a brother/friend.
He either wants to keep you as a backup, or he is too cowardly to end it properly.

i understand where you guys are coming from given that you dont know the context of our relationship. There was never any disrespect or insults from either side and we do love each other. I know that he is in no way trying to end things because of distance or that he wants to fuck someone. We are being completely honest with each other and he is trying for a future but just has doubts due to my insecurities which have been gettin better since ive started therapy recently.

Basically his seeing if you will be a door mat because his planning on cheating on you when you go long distance.

Don’t be a door mat. Don’t let people treat you like shit.

So he literally says he's not in love with you any more and shock dumps you a few months ago and can't see it working.

But we're all wrong and it's all hunky dory?

Well okay. Don't listen to anyone then.

Why the hell did you come here if you were going to ignore everyone's advice? 🤷‍♀️

We are being completely honest with each other

One of you is. The other one is using your honesty to work at demeaning your insecurities.

Op have you ever been in a healthy, romantic, adult relationship or have you always been on probation with someone—auditioning for the role of lover/gf/wife?

because the normal and healthy progression is to meet, date, love each other warts and all, support each other and decide to be together. It just shouldnt be that hard.

There was never any disrespect or insults from either side and we do love each other.
No-one's saying he's insulting you. Given that he can't even make it clear whether he wants to be with you, I wouldn't expect him to do anything as clearcut and unambiguous as to insult you.

Disrespect can be expressed in actions, not words. Him saying that you need to work to be good enough for him is not respectful. He's painting you as deficient and needing to improve. But he's the one who failed to talk to you properly for 3 whole years, then said he wanted to break up - rather than discussing and dealing with each problem honestly and openly as it came along. He needs to work on that; that's a fault. Has he apologised for it?

You love him romantically, right? As a partner, not just as a friend? But he is specifically not saying that he loves you romantically. He's calling that into question. Listen to what he says: don't just hear what you want to hear or you'll regret it later.

im the one who suggested that i'll work on myself. He didnt really say it himself at all. Yes I agree that he shouldve talked about the issues with me and he has apologized for it. I have asked him to work on his communication and he is doing so. I do agree that it is frustrating for me to hear his maybes and doubts but Ive been told by my therapist that he needs time so i should give him time.

He didnt really say it himself at all.
Did the idea of self-improvement come entirely out of your own head, or was he implying it by listing your faults? As you say, he seems to have some major communication issues. Watch out for situations where you think you know what he's implying. If he doesn't say something explicitly, that makes it conveniently deniable later on. Ask him to say exactly what he means if necessary. Think about whether he's improving, and if there are still issues, ask yourself whether you want this kind of communication in a potential future coparent/life partner supporting you through sickness, mourning etc. If you're both young and still developing, maybe he'll improve. Or maybe this is just him. You don't have to choose him.

Don’t ever let a man tell you he doesn’t want you more than once.