What to say to a toxic mother

[Luna02]

My mother is incredibly toxic, I have no idea why she is the way she is. I got into an argument a week ago with her because she started trashing my husband’s parents and sister saying how she would be a much better influence on our DD than what they are but she’s not allowed to meet her. So we live in different countries, I have told her she can come here when she wants to but she doesn’t. She doesn’t get along with my husband but they have kind of made peace now and he works away all week anyways.

She’s upset because we were thinking of not going to my homecountry anymore, it’s very expensive going there all family with flight and hotels etc. my dream is to take the girls in there at Christmas so we said we would do that instead but she said she won’t be there at Christmas. Anyways when she went off trashing my husband’s family I thought it was unfair and said to her you’re the only once who’s completely lost it with DD (her saying she’s a much better influence than anyone else).

After that she stopped talking to me for a week (peaceful bliss) and now she has started sending me crazy messages. She doesn’t understand what I’m referring to when I said that as she can’t remember herself when she’s mad, she thinks my DD is angry at her for disciplining her when they went to the park and were being wild. And now she’s sending me messages saying why do you have to work when your husband is earning so much.

For years I was a stay at home mum and she was nagging me. Now I am working and still she’s nagging. I do everything at home with the kids and I have a work that fits around that as I’m a childminder and she doesn’t like it. She doesn’t want me to tell any family what I do, she said they wouldn’t understand “me working as a nanny”. I am actually happy doing what I do, I think it’s a shame she’s so against it, but then I don’t think she would ever be happy unless I did exactly what she did, which in my opinion was not the right way.

her last message to which I just woke up to she’s saying why do you have to work. Your husband is earning so much and when you were dating promised to you you could do anything you want. Does he not give you any money. You have to work even when DD is on holiday. Can’t you stand up for yourself at all. What is your life like. I have heard him say to you that the house is his etc. You are scared of him.

this is just the last of her crazy messages, and I don’t know what to say to her as anything I say she just goes more on a tandem. I thought someone clever here on mumsnet might have a good answer for me. Btw there are no issues with my husband and I, we basically don’t argue and are very happy.

With someone like that, nothing you do is going to be ok, so you need to keep repeating to yourself that her opinions are irrelevant. You could just keep repeating something like “this is my choice” or completely ignore her ridiculous comments and just change the subject every single time. Or you could go no contact.

Honestly, you know the answer

whatever you do/say will be wrong, so don’t say/do anything. Go NC and ignore her.

make the plans that suit you. Every. Single. Time.

remember That bliss of a week when she wasn’t talking to you? You can have that again, and whenever you like. Mute her messages and just stop playing her game.

You say nothing, nothing at all. Let her witter on and put the phone down/leave the room when she starts. If she’s seriously toxic, you go non contact. I did this 20 years ago and it’s the best thing I ever did.

Drop the rope here and block all her ways of she being able to contact you. It’s not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way. This is who she is and she is not going to change.

Stop giving her so much space and importance in your life.

Instead focus on your own life and family.

I would not reply to all these crazy messages or give her any chance to interfere in your life. You don't have to justify your life choices to her. You are an adult.

You might need to reduce contact to the bare minimum or to go no contact.

It is not your fault or your problem is she is displaying such unhinged behaviour. You have to accept that her behaviour is toxic and that she will never change and all your can do is protect yourself.

her last message to which I just woke up to she’s saying why do you have to work. Your husband is earning so much and when you were dating promised to you you could do anything you want. Does he not give you any money. You have to work even when DD is on holiday. Can’t you stand up for yourself at all. What is your life like. I have heard him say to you that the house is his etc. You are scared of him.

Just text back "why is this any of your business? If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. I will no longer be responding to any negativity from you"
then don't respond to her for at least a week. Put her number on 'sleep' or whatever the function is so you don't see her name come up.

Take heed of @MzHz's wise advice:
remember That bliss of a week when she wasn’t talking to you? You can have that again, and whenever you like. Mute her messages and just stop playing her game.

I feel like anything I do say to her she just doesn’t understand and spirals into something else.

I haven’t replied anything to her today and she has gone off on everything about how stupid it is to move to Britain because there’s nothing interesting here to come and visit (this is news to me as she has always previously liked britain, I also lived here previously and she knows brits etc- she’s just in a bad mood and then everything is not good), but how she would much rather visit us if we lived in south of france or italy. This actually made me chuckle as even though I am so happy and settled here, who wouldn’t dream of a place in south of France or an old village somewhere in Italy! Obviously it’s not realistic as you can’t just pick and choose like this where to make your living. Where she has her place is definitely not a dream holiday destination either yet she expects us to visit there. She said it’s absurd that I would even suggest that she could also visit us here, she said she won’t eventhough flights costs nothing now because nobody wants to travel here because of brexit.

she has trashed all our guests that came to any events we have organised by how they dared to drink beer. She says england is a country with different classes and why do I always want to hang out with lower classes- working class. I don’t know, I don’t really think of what class people are. I have lots of childminder, nanny friends and also layers, doctors etc. I’m their friend because we have stuff to talk about and we all have different jobs that we are passionate about. These are all people that were at the events we have organised so I think she’s just referring to my childminder friends rather than the doctor friends… I actually feel horrified if anyone found out she was judging them like this. Unfortunately it’s very few professions that she will approve, those that generally have high respect even if the salary is lower.

She’s said either me or my 5year old DD have a personality disorder. This is because one of us is blaming her constantly and finding mistakes. That we are blaming her for loosing her patience at the park (I have no idea what happened at the park when she was there but she has herself mentioned this a few times now, my DD hasn’t )

Also to add about the class- my husband and I are very relaxed about stuff like this- we really don’t think about that at all. But my sister is different and my mum is always complaining about how snobby she is and is pretending to be a millionaire when she’s not and living a materialistic life, that they will end up bankrupt living beyond their means - so clearly again you can’t win.

I am not saying your mum has a personality disorder, but my mum does, and that has lead to a some very damagingly poor boundaries and a lot of hurt for me. My advice would be:

A) mute her messages
B) don't read her messages
C) delete her messages
D) gray rock

She will have to lose interest and take her drama elsewhere.

It would be good to think about the boundaries you need to set in order to prevent yourself being put in an uncomfortable situation again.

I would suggest:

A) As she is rude about your friends - don't invite her to other events or tell her anything about your friends
B) She said you or your daughter have a personality disorder - keep her away from you and your daughter and don't tell her anything about your our your daughter's life. Don't open your daughter's life up to this toxicity
C) visiting UK isn't good enough - don't invite her!

She needs to see the consequences of her own behaviour. Stop absorbing and responding to her nonsense, stop telling her anything about your life. It is a waste of time.

Mute her messages, delete them periodically and focus on your actual life!

I would recommend stopping thinking about your mum as having special privileges, and giving her freedom and opportunity to treat you this way. If a friend or colleague said such things, what boundaries would you set? Why does she get to abuse you just because she gave birth to you? She doesn't, it is not okay.

Not to repeat what everyone else has said but do nothing and work on being less affected by what she says - you need to get to the stage where you observe the behaviour like it's some social experiment but don't take it on board. You can't change her or stop her (well you kind of can by blocking her but she will still have those opinions and try and find a way to get them to you), only your reaction to it. You do not need her approval (it's not easy I know) and as soon as you can emotionally accept that it will be just noise rather than upsetting noise. Her thoughts and feelings aren't facts.

Oh it sounds AWFUL

I agree with the others, she's invading your thoughts too much. Stop engaging. You will never get through to her because this type of person has a forcefield around them to protect them from the discomfort of self-awareness.

My mother invades my thoughts giving me the silent treatment because I called her out on her behaviour, so I would stop trying to get her to 'see sense' and behave better. It's always going to be you, always going to be YOUR fault. I bet she's perfect! For the time being, if you reply back change the style of your responses. Instead of a defence, text back ''more criticism'' and don't engage.

Go somewhere nice for christmas.

Goodbye

she stopped talking to me for a week (peaceful bliss)

⬆Here's your answer.

You can't change her and you won't be able to convince her of anything, so the only thing to do is limit your exposure to the toxicity.

Put her on mute, and don't engage with any of it. Only interact with her on your own terms. You are not obliged to listen to/read abuse, toxic nonsense or criticism. Even from your mother.

Whether you go low contact or no contact, depends on how you feel, but being her emotional punchbag shouldn't be an option.

Don't tell her anything about your life u less it's need to know .

Say nothing
just minimise contact majorly
it’s bloody hard when it’s your mum I know

but there will exist wise techniques how to handle this and minimise her impact on you x

I have stayed quiet for a week now and today she is saying I am sadistic for staying quiet and using power against her.

Instead of checking if you are ok, wondering how you are, inviting you to do something nice together…
She chooses to hurt you. Shows you are right to reduce contact.

No contact. No contact. No contact.

I've not spoken to my very similar toxic witch of a mother for over a decade and its been fucking wonderful.

Do yourself a huge favour and just let her go. Block her on all channels. Let her go fuck herself, to put it bluntly. She is NOT your problem.

Mine is like this. Stay vague, stay boring.

She literally sucks the joy out of my life :/ (just yesterday she told me my husband will probably abandon me one day!)

Gee thanks mum

Architectahoy my mum had said that to my sister several times- that he will go off with a businesswoman!

Say absolutely nothing and just ignore her. Better still, block her number. Why on earth do you want to keep in touch with her?

Your mother doesn't deserve your attention, and you don't deserve the stalking and anxiety she's causing. Tell her your decisions and that of your family are not her business and you are taking a much needed break for a month; then don't respond to anything else until you've 'helped' her to break the habit of harassing you on a regular basis. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

I’ve tried to limit contact with mine but she orders painkillers online and overdoses sleeps all day and makes us feel guilty. So we have to keep seeing her to keep her stable.

I agree with the others. Other people should take up minimal space in your mind. You meet or connect with them, you interact with them and then the interaction should end or maybe you undertake some agreed action.

Think about the vast amount of people you meet in a week and that is how you interact with them. When that doesn’t happen and you are dwelling on a person or having anxiety about a future interaction with a person then the relationship is triggering something in you that you need to address.

Your mother is taking way too much of your emotional space. There may be a lack of acceptance about who your mother is or maybe you are trying to get her to understand you better or something of that nature but either way you need to stop trying to change things between you, accept how they are and drop the rope. She doesn’t have to be who you want her to be or she doesn’t have to like you or know you or agree with you for you to continue on in your life and to be a genuinely happy person.