How would you deal with this - DM

[Teaandsympathy]

Had a mammoth post typed out with the whole story but essentially want to know how would you deal with this situation...

Negative and critical DM ... lots of health, mental health and probably ASD issues - which as much as I'd like to be supportive, I find really triggering being brought up her being this way and other compounding factors from traumatic childhood. Have gotten to a situation where for the past 6-9 months have contact but keep her at arms length. Don't engage with any conversations where she has the opportunity to say anything that will get to me. Though this is emotionally tiring in itself keeping up the facade (visits are several days due to distance every couple of months) but manageable.

Now she's offering a treat day out on her for a special occasion, just the 2 of us. frankly I'd rather chew my own arm off than do this... but I don't know how to get out of it without telling her everything. Which I'd decided not to do again as its a whole drama in which she is the victim. She also kindly offering help "with the kids or house" meaning I think your life is a total mess and you need me to sort it out. I'm quite happy with my kids and house thank you and I don't require help. I mean help is always nice but not when it comes with all the judgement!

Any advice/perspective welcome.

It really depends if you think you can manage a full day. I had this with my mum and dad they were very judgemental and unfortunately I wasn't able to let it go over my head. But if you can then go enjoy yourself. On the other matter I would say well thanks for offering but I dont need any help just now I will let you know if I do.

@Sarahbumdaa thanks for replying

well no I wouldn’t enjoy a day out with her. I feel like I’m backed into a corner with this invitation. You say you couldn’t let your parents’ judgements go over your head. Did you go NC? I’ve considered this but feels it’s too harsh in the circumstances and would bring its own difficulties.

My view would be to decline the day and keep a distance - be polite

have you heard of grey rock 🪨
min this instance tell her very little and give her no ammunition to criticise (though she will find a way)

Just be very busy. Too busy to give her the time of day never mind a whole day out.

Teaandsympathy not exactly it wasn't up to me. I got pregnant at 41 and they weren't happy. They didn't speak to me for 6 months and I just didn't pick it up again. Ie. I wouldn't apologise and ignored letters etc

Its an invite, not a summons and you can readily decline. Your mother had a choice when it came to you and she chose to dole out similar as what was done to her. Many people also have poor childhoods and choose not to abuse and or otherwise mistreat their now adult children.

What is harsh about going no contact with someone like your mother?. Not all parents are nice and kind and some of them are actively abusive. Drop the rope she holds out to you.

You would not tolerate any of this from a friend surely and your mother is no different.

Sounds like the ‘treat day out’ and the ‘helping with the house and kids’ is a manipulation of temporarily being nice to reel you back into punching distance so she can start discharging her negativity on to you.

She needs you as a target and vessel to offload her own internal dysfunction - you’ve done well because she has sensed you putting in distance so has had to shift gear in an attempt to get you back in the zone.

You’ve well.

Keep up your boundaries.

Be proud. Don’t tell her anything.

Just no thanks / that doesn’t work for me etc

As she has upped the ante maybe you need to put in more distance.

Less days when you visit or less times a year - or arrive v late on first day and leave v early on return etc.

You are just managing her.

When you get more confident in your boundaries you can see it better and push forward more.

It can be disorienting to disentangle but just keep emotionally detached

Anyone else who can come and dilute the day-out experience?

Sounds like the ‘treat day out’ and the ‘helping with the house and kids’ is a manipulation of temporarily being nice to reel you back into punching distance so she can start discharging her negativity on t

Yes yes yes yes this in total! Wise wise words.

Thanks all. You’ve helped me calm down and find my resolve.

@Ooonafoo you're spot on. This is the cycle. I don’t want to go there again.

right off to reply to her message after several days stewing over it

Good for you that’s an important insight that you have recognised a pattern and that you know you won’t be going on that inevitable merry-go-round again.

Time to take another step back and firm those boundaries so she gets the message implicitly. Don’t bother ‘explaining’ - as with these types you are just inadvertently handing her the bullets to shoot you with.

Grey rock technique. Swift assertive non emotional responses so that everything is closed down quickly. Be less available. Don’t let her preoccupy you and live in your head negatively cranking your emotions for you.

Well done. Trust you gut and don’t get mired in FOG (fear, obligation or guilt) as these are NEVER the reasons to do anything you don’t want to.

Thanks @Ooonafoo
I kept it very brief and as you say no explaining. No thanks don’t need help. Made a small excuse for no to day out but it’s an ongoing thing and then moved the conversation by asking her about herself. Favourite topic 🙄

That’s great - keep bumping her out of the way efficiently - you are in the driving seat now - she doesn’t get to rattle your emotions, belittle you or intrude on your life. Think of all the free time, headspace and emotions you have freed up to fill with more positive people and experiences.

Put her in the rear view mirror - eyes up front looking at much nicer future.

I think that was a good way of dealing with the situation. You didn’t want to go so you are perfectly within your right to decline and you did it in a polite manner without spending too much time on it.

visits are several days due to distance every couple of months

That is a long time pretty frequently. I would definitely reduce it somehow...do you alternate the travelling? Would meeting half-way be a possibility? I would start arriving later and leaving earlier, as suggested as a minimum and push it out to 3 months+

I think you're already handling it well. It is hard and draining to remain in contact with people like this 💐

Thanks @Hereforthekickz & @Holisti
this thread was from March so it gave me a little surprise popping up again. I’ve kept up my resolve- grey rock and visits have been a little less frequent. (Which she’s noticed but tough). Definitely takes up less head space and when i do see her it’s getting easier to maintain the distance and not allow any opportunities for judgement & criticism

Grey rock is good. I have same issue. As others say its draining. Some days I call and she has no news. Def gets over involved in our lives. I keep visits short otherwise I would go crazy!! Then little jibes and digs