How to cope with friend

[PeekabooCow]

We've been friends for 30+ years, met at primary. Been there for eachother during the ups and downs of life, she was my bridesmaid, I'm godmother to her dd.

For most of adulthood we lived about 1.5 hours distance away, so would meet up every 6-8 weeks. However 4 years ago she decided to become a single parent (IVF) and for financial reasons moved back into her parents house which is a 4 hour drive away from me.

She says it too far for her to travel alone with her dc (fair enough), we do go up and visit but its only 2 or 3 times a year as i have dc who do sports every weekend, it's a long drive for us all, theres no space for us at her parents place so we have to pay for a traveloge, etc. But im getting constantly guilt tripped by her that we never see eachother anymore. Ive suggested meeting half way for a day, but this has never come into fruition.

She's does suffer from depression, but over the last few years she's become more and more bitter (if that's the right word) about how our lives have turned out. She's consumed by how unfair she perceives things to be. She's convinced that i have all the things she ever wanted (married, sahm, financially comfortable) and makes no effort to hide her resentment for how our lives have taken differing paths (whist refusing to see how life choices had any impact on this).

But if im honest I'm drained by her. My heart sinks when I see her phone call coming in. I don't particularly like the person she's turned into, although i do sometimes, rarely, get glimpses of the friend she used to be.

I think at the moment her depression is flaring up, which is probably contributing to her attitude towards me. But I'm really struggling to cope with her. Nothing i do is good enough in her view and I can feel myself pulling back.

Im not sure what i want from this post really. But i can't vent to my real life friends as most of them know her. I don't want to throw away a lifelong friendship but equally the way things are with us now i don't want to continue.

Sounds draining to me!
So u go and visit her but she wont come to you ( I get that some people don't like to do this so not judging) Thing is she has to understand that if shes not able to make the journey to you then u cannot be there all the time especially with family committments?
The fact that you are a SAHM etc should not even come into it between friends, i have loads of friends who dont work, i work full time and i say good luck to em!

Mention again about meeting half way ....

Sometimes we are friends with people out of habit and we stay friends because of the length of time you have been friends. People change unfortunately. I found this out when a really long friendship of mine broke up and i can honestly say it was the best thing now!

xx

Vent away OP.

But im getting constantly guilt tripped by her that we never see eachother anymore. Ive suggested meeting half way for a day, but this has never come into fruition.
You need to stop tolerating this.
Why does she reckon SHE cannot "travel with DC" but you can?
"I know, it's because every time I invite you here, you don't accept."
"We travel to you as many times a year as possible, if you want to see us more you know we will welcome you to stay here."

and makes no effort to hide her resentment for how our lives have taken differing paths
How does she express this?
Hard to advise how to shut it down if we don't know what she is saying.

Suggest meeting half way - it's no easier for you to travel with DCs than her.

However, if she moans and criticises you, it's fine to say 'you really don't seem to like me anymore, despite me always trying to be a good friend, so let's just leave it there. I wish you well'. And leave it at that.

It's hard to give up on a friend who needs help, but as with abusive r'ships, being depressed or hard up doesn't give anyone a right to be cruel and critical of other people. You don't have to listen to insults and criticisms just to make her feel better about herself.

You aren't a punchbag.

Is this your perception of how she feels or is she saying these things outright?

If the latter, how do you respond?

Would it be worth gently challenging her, if you haven't yet?

Sometimes we are friends with people out of habit and we stay friends because of the length of time you have been friends. People change unfortunately. I found this out when a really long friendship of mine broke up and i can honestly say it was the best thing now!

So agree with this. Maybe OP your lives have changed and you have just outgrown her?
I would say one more time about meeting halfway or her coming to you and if she really wanted to, she would. But the guilt tripping of you is no good for a fair friendship. I would be phasing her out if she just won't put in any effort at all, especially as it sounds as if you've been doing all the travelling to see her.

I am in the process of a friendship finishing, have had no proper contact for ages, we have known each other 59 years but this ending of it has been on the cards for a very long time. My friend has changed enormously, I have trod on eggshells for decades and I can't cope with the aggro any more, the older you get you just cannot tolerate it.

Same for you really which is why you're posting!

Its weird to describe how she says things, but frequently talking to her is a steady stream about how awful she thinks her life is with drips of snide comments about my life and how i have things so much easier.

I think she looks at all the good bits of everyone else's life and wishes that was hers, without seeing the flipside or any of the negative stuff they have going on. Like she cannot see the dichotomy of refusing to travel to us because its too far, but at the same time believing its a quick simple journey for me.

Much like @Roussette says I'm constantly treading on eggshells.

Sounds like this friendship has run its course. You could tell her why you want to take a step back but if you do that, prepare for the fact that it probably won’t be received well.

She chose to make life difficult for herself by becoming a parent without a partner. No sympathy here. Except for that poor child's future.

You have little to lose, so you might frankly say "i think your needs are beyond my ability to help; have you considered counseling?"

As to visits (assuming you even want them) a simple "your turn!" Is fair enough.

She sounds like a boring drain.