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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do you ever feel smothered by love?

4 replies

tootiredtoocare · 23/03/2023 09:13

This isn't a humble brag. Married 25 years, together about 30, 3 kids, two are adults one tween with SEN. My DH, I think, loves me more than I love him. I don't feel capable of the deep love he has for me. He told me at the weekend while we were out together and after he'd had a couple of drinks that he remembered when we'd met briefly months, maybe a year, before I remember meeting and talking to him. He described what I was wearing, my hairstyle (I change it quite bit), and that "I loved you from the first moment I saw you." While that statement initially gave me goosebumps and I thought it was lovely, the more I think about it, the more I feel such a responsibility for his heart. We've been through some tough times and he's always been there, I developed a life-long medical condition, our child has SEN because of it. I even wanted to end our marriage at one point but he fought for it (I'm glad he did, it was depression that I've struggled with for a long time.) He doesn't smother me, he's not possessive in his actions or his behaviour with me. I just feel the weight of his love and it feels a bit oppressive sometimes. I'm not the easiest person to love, I can be distant, and maybe that's another reason it feels oppressive, because he loves me despite all that and I don't deserve it. Am I being unreasonable or do you understand how I feel?

OP posts:
Mysticguru · 23/03/2023 09:42

True love is the absence of judgement. (including the judgement of yourself)

beeskipa · 14/05/2023 22:11

he loves me despite all that and I don't deserve it

It sounds a lot like you feel smothered by the weight of what you perceive to be undeserved love, and I think that it feels oppressive because you think you'll somehow not live up to it or be worthy of it.

Do you love him? In what way do you think your love isn't as deep as his? Do you feel you're letting him down in some way, and why?

My partner has been the one who, historically, has 'needed' me more than I've 'needed' him because he's had health issues and some big, awful, traumatic things happen to him - times when I've stepped up to a tougher ride than you'd want for your partner or yourself (but where I hope 95% of people would do the same!)

He often says he feels he doesn't deserve me and how much I love him', or even pushed back in a kind of panicked "why are you with me" way. How he feels about himself makes it hard for him to see that he's just as deserving of this love as anyone else, and just because I've had opportunity to show it in ways that he hasn't, during the hardest times, doesn't mean his love is less worthy or deep than mine. You sound a lot like him. If that resonates, please just let him love you.

Leopardlives · 15/05/2023 10:19

I’m really interested in this. My partner feels like he’s going to be a bit like you (though it’s early days).

OhBling · 15/05/2023 10:24

I don't think it's weird for one partner to love the other one more on some level. It's about how this plays out. So if he loves you this much, but is still perfectly capable of living an independent life, doesn't get possessive, is happy for you to have things outside of your relationship etc, then that's all fine.

On your side, do you love him, do you respect him, do you treat him well and give him what he needs? If so, that's fine.

It's only a problem when one person uses their love to smother or control the other one or when the person who loves "less" treats their partner with complacency and disrespect

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