Using a a couples journal.

[Headland]

Perspectives please.
After repeated efforts to try & get DH to start talking about our relationship over many months finally a bit of progress or so I thought. She has now gone off & ordered a book about journaling. Not something we discussed at all. The book seems to work on a question a day basis for 365 days looking at a couple of reviews I've read. I'd actually suggested we think about considering counselling & that I would possibly be open to it. She's come up with this instead. A series, it seems, of set questions that I gather we're meant to discuss & journal. I'm really not happy about it but wondering if I'm being too harsh or need to be clearer this is not what I want to do to try & move forward. Would appreciate some thoughts please. Thanks.

Who's male and female? Confused.

Your OP is confusing, but honestly, I’d hate this. Not everyone is into journaling (wouldn’t be for me), but I think if you get to this point in a relationship, you need professional support. What happens if an issue comes up in the journaling that is hugely upsetting? If you are struggling to communicate already, you won’t magically be able to discuss it.

I’ve not done couples therapy but I have done therapy myself, and it was hugely beneficial. I think that’s probably a better use of your time and money.

Does it matter? Op how about you try the journaling and your oh tries the counselling? What don't you like about the journalling?

You both make compromises? You both do journaling and Councelling. The both complement each other surely?

:@FunnyMunny The OP literally says 'she' about OH. And does it really matter was gender the OP is? How does this affect your opinion or advice?

OP, have you tried to find out why she is against counselling? I've never heard of the journaling thing so can't really comment. But whatever you decide to do, you have both got to agree and there's got to be a degree of compromise on both sides, not one getting pressured into what the other wants. If it's impossible to come to a decision about this, are you sure it's even possible to salvage the relationship at all?

Good advice

Is there a reason this has to be instead of rather than alongside? Do some research and find a therapist too.

Mmmm I'm not sure about this one to be honest.

It wouldn't be something I would feel comfortable with.

Damn my own thoughts frighten me at times,I think if I journaled them for dh to see he'd be abit

How long have you been together and are there specific issues or is it trying to be more open in general?

Personally
I'm not one for airing absolutely all of my inner thoughts on things but then some people find it easy

Thanks for replies so far. I'm male. DH is female. We've been together for a long time. It feels as if I've had to work really hard over quite a long time to get her to show any affection at all or to talk at all. I'm not comfortable at all with the idea of journaling. It really doesn't feel natural & I hate the idea of a question a day thing in the book she has bought. The fact that she has gone & bought this book without talking to me about it indicative perhaps of some of our issues. She is reluctant to seek professional help. I'm not at all keen but I have actually suggested it. Twice now. It seems to me ( maybe I'm reading it wrong) that this is another way of her seemingly kicking the can further down the road & not being brave enough to try & tackle the issues I think we both know need dealing with if we are going to make it. For context there are now other third parties or anything like that in our marital history but it feels like we are miles apart.

Sorry that should read NO not now other third parties etc. Never have been as far as I'm aware.

I'm probably going to get flamed for even asking, but what does the "DH" in your posts stand for?

Ok. First time on here so I haven't tuned in correctly maybe to all the acronyms. DH is my wife. I'm male. She is female. Other context if it helps-Long been married. We've moved, I think, into the house-mates situation. She apparently seems ok with that or at least won't talk about it. I'm very much not hence me trying to get some movement/talking/suggesting counselling. So far, she has not accepted counselling as a possible way forward. She has gone & bought this book on journaling instead. Not something we have discussed so really don't know why she thinks this is acceptable or would work. I have read up on journaling & really think for us perhaps it's not the way we need to proceed especially the question a day thing. I think we're past that stage & need a more urgent approach/intervention. Maybe, I'm wrong, but that is how I'm feeling/thinking right now.

Can’t think of anything worse. Also surely your wife?

On face value I'd hate this, but maybe it is worth a try

(Dh = dear husband. You are confusing people because you want DW - more people moan about husbands than wives on here!!)

OP, you've unintentionally confused everyone because the H in DH stands for husband.

I'm out sure I'd want to do the journalling either. It sounds a bit contrived. But it's what she would like to do.

Could you not do it alongside counselling?

I wasn't criticizing when I asked you what you meant by DH. Just confused, thinking this was a new type of relationship I'd not heard of. I hope this he!ps:
MN Acronyms

It's 3am in my part of the world, but hopefully I'll remember to actually address your question sometime during the day.

Ok. Sorry for confusion. As noted. I've not used the forum before. My mistake. As noted in the thread I HAVE suggested counselling to my wife. I have suggested it on two separate occasions. Seems she doesn't want to go down that road although she doesn't seem able or willing to articulate why. Doesn't therefore seem to be an option at this point & maybe at any point? It's been very difficult to get her to do any talking at all. She says she still wants the relationship but it feels like the willingness to work on issues isn't there at this time. Has let me wondering therefore what next if anything. The journal thing has been her only barely significant response so far but to me on it's own it's not enough & feels false & contrived.

You aren't comfortable with the idea of journalling. Your wife isn't comfortable with counselling. The compromise would seem to be by that you do both.

The fact that she has gone & bought this book without talking to me about it indicative perhaps of some of our issues

You're having issues and you're trying to get her to open up about them. She's obviously put some thought into this and found out that couples journal is a thing, it made sense to her, and she ordered one in hopes that it might work to help you move forward.

She bought a book without talking to you, she didn't put the house on the market without talking to you.

It's been very difficult to get her to do any talking at all.

Maybe she finds talking difficult, maybe she feels that the prompts in the journal will help her open up.

She says she still wants the relationship but it feels like the willingness to work on issues isn't there at this time.

I think that she is showing willingness, she's not bought a copy of Razzle. She thinks the journal might help and she's asking you to try it.

Has let me wondering therefore what next if anything.

What's next is you try the journal with an open mind. Otherwise it's stalemate.

Update- I've said to her I'll try the journal thing although strongly suspect I will really struggle with tackling things in that manner. Had hoped she would shift on the counselling element so we could maybe get some help/guidance on the whole process & maybe do the two things simultaneously as some posters have suggested. She hasn't! Goodness knows where that leaves us. I'm aware some partners refuse to go to counselling when the other suggests it/wants to/thinks its needed but it feels like a big block to making progress. We shall see I guess.

So I’m guessing that the problem, as you see it is lack of sex / closeness? Just going from your “housemates” comment.

That’s what I assume too. Is that correct OP?

My view is that it's actually a mix of lack of physical affection both sexual & non-sexual & of emotional closeness generally so I guess it's across the spectrum or part of it of intimacy. That's how it feels to me. I've tried to suggest various things we might do to improve things but so far there's been no change/no willingness to engage. We'll see where the journaling thing goes I suppose. I'm out of other ideas.

I'm with both of you in that both would not work for me. The only true answer is to sit down and talk about whatever the problem is, you don't need a book nor a therapist for that. Unless you can talk relationships don't work but of course people will relieve you of your cash pretending they useful. Talk, talk, talk

I tend to agree but I have tried to do that over several months now hence thinking about possible other options.