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Original poster

Bitter ex

26 replies

hadenoughofhisshit · 22/03/2023 20:35

Hi mumsnetters

I've also posted this to divorce / separation but hoping here gets more traffic

Myself and my ex split 18 months ago due to him having an affair, we were unhappy for a long time before this but I carried on for our two young sen DC's

He left the family home that week and since then we tried to co-parent in a positive way, I have no family support from my own family and his family had always been our support and I no longer have that.

He has several times over the last 18 months bought up the subject of coming home and I have always categorically said no. He also uses to only have the children on his days off when he works erratic shifts and would give me very little notice so I could never plan, We used to do days out together with the kids and holiday (separate rooms) but after that in the summer I said it was not viable to continue in this way going forward and that also he needed to change shifts to have then EOW all weekend.

For context he stayed with the OW for nearly a year afterwards.

He seems to think he is entitled to know all about my life and where I'm going as who with. He even let himself into my house with the kids a few weeks ago when I wasn't there as he thought I wouldn't know but I have a camera. When confronted he said it used to be his house too so he can do as he likes.

I met a wonderful man through mutual friends in the latter half of last year and we have begun a lovely relationship . We talk every day and see each other when my children are with their dad. Ex has recently got suspicious and has been demanding to know if I've met someone. After him standing at my door going on an on for over an hour at pick up yesterday I finally said yes and stayed I had met someone and I was happy. He asked his age and if he had children which I said he didn't.

I got a whole emotional blackmail speech about me keeping our family apart and he loves me and Is heartbroken etc

Then today he turned up at the school unannounced when I was on pick up and then followed me back to the house with the kids and was hurling more questions at me then stated he thinks my partner not having children 'at his age' is a red flag and he thinks he is a wrongen and if he comes near the children he is taking me to court for full custody and calling social services to take the children from me because of my mental health (I had post natal depression after the children were born they are now school age) the fact that the house is mid renovations so Is not fully decorated and that I am not 'doing as I'm told'. We have no intention for my new partner to meet my children for a long time until we are well established etc but ex is now saying he will stop having the children to stop me seeing my partner and will also take every item of furniture etc in the house that was bought when we were together. He states that he will get custody because I used to suffer with my mental health and I will live to regret it if I don't do as I'm told. I have told him he is no longer welcome to come to the house and must drop off outside and I will come out he is not to try and come in. He says he will do as he likes.

How do I navigate this please

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 22/03/2023 20:48

Who owns the house? Can you change the locks?

He obviously has no right to know anything about you or your life so don't tell him anything. How does he know about your boyfriend and that he doesn't have children?

Marineboy67 · 22/03/2023 20:49

So its OK for him to shag around within a relationship but when you meet someone as a single person on a level platform he can't handle it. He's an insecure controlling twat, get some legal advice and tell him if he continues to harass you then you'll go to the police. Idiot

Zanatdy · 22/03/2023 20:55

I’d just tell him to back off and refuse to engage with him about this. He’s got absolutely no right to know any of this. If you wanted to introduce your children now it’s none of his business. But the fact you aren’t is obviously good and he should respect that. You’re doing nothing wrong whatsoever. He had his chance with you and blew it. Let him threaten to stop having the kids, it will be him and the children who suffer ultimately. I’d tell him if he’s going for full custody the courts won’t look at him very favourably knowing he stopped having his own kids so you couldn’t see your boyfriend. Look up grey rock communication. Stop enabling him when he’s having hour long conversations on the door stop, close the door on him.

HowRatherGolly · 22/03/2023 20:55

Are you not glad you toss this one to the side OP?

He has shown you who he is by treating you so appallingly yet demands to carry it on as he sees fit due to you having met someone else?

Have you heard of Chump lady?

Here she is and you will see that what your ex is doing is a typical behaviour of a self entitled man that is unhappy that you dare have a life outside him.

Home Page - ChumpLady.com Chump is a legend in my opinion

Home Page - ChumpLady.com

Chump Lady is the alter ego of blogger, cartoonist, and journalist Tracy Schorn, author of 'Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life – The Chump Lady’s Survival Guide.'

https://www.chumplady.com/

category12 · 22/03/2023 20:59

Is the divorce underway? Do you still rent/own the house jointly?

Original poster
hadenoughofhisshit · 22/03/2023 21:01

GreyCarpet · 22/03/2023 20:48

Who owns the house? Can you change the locks?

He obviously has no right to know anything about you or your life so don't tell him anything. How does he know about your boyfriend and that he doesn't have children?

The house is HA and now I'm my name only. I retrieved the keys from him and locks are being changed.

OP posts:
Original poster
hadenoughofhisshit · 22/03/2023 21:03

category12 · 22/03/2023 20:59

Is the divorce underway? Do you still rent/own the house jointly?

Never married. House is HA and my name only now. He lives with his mother

OP posts:
TiredandHungry19 · 22/03/2023 21:05

Change locks asap. Your kids will not be taken from you because you had PND, ignore it or say you’ll see him in court then. He is bullying you because he’s jealous and wants a reaction, don’t give it to him

itwasntmetho · 22/03/2023 21:08

I believe post separation coercive control is in the domestic abuse bill now, that’s what he is doing.

category12 · 22/03/2023 21:11

Ah great, he's got no right at all to enter your property without your permission.

strawberry2017 · 22/03/2023 21:13

Start keeping a detailed list of dates and what he's doing. Build your evidence in case he tries anything.

Sillysosij · 22/03/2023 21:15

Sounds to the letter what my ex did- as if following a script level of similarities. Mine snooped in my diary while ‘dropping DD back’ (used his old key too, dropped her back when he knew I wouldn’t be in) and found out I’d met someone that way. Screaming and shouting, the works.

I refused to engage. Given how little involvement he had with DD, he wouldn’t really want full custody anyway, and didn’t have a leg to stand on legally over my MH given I’m treated and well. It actually is more of a plus point to show you’ve looked after yourself and your children through a MH crisis with an abusive partner!

I managed to move and that really helped, but I know it’s not possible for everyone. Definitely change the locks. FWIW we are now 4 years on from that nightmare, he is still an arse but doesn’t abuse me any more.

Bootlass · 22/03/2023 21:21

Tell him you're fine with him not seeing DC, see how he reacts to that. As previously said, keep a diary of everything that is said and what happens. Then if he demands access again, you can take it to court and honestly tell them that he told you he didn't want access, when he did it was erratic, only on his terms, constant cancelling and changing of plans to suit him, not DC. Of course, court will still award access but he's probably the kind of person who wouldn't want to the hassle or financial burden of taking it all the way to court. You're both better off without him. Continue to enjoy your wonderful new relationship and concentrate on building a peaceful, successful, lovely future for you and your DC

TheMatriarchy · 22/03/2023 23:28

He sounds unhinged, given his past behaviour his level of entitlement and possessiveness is worrying. I wouldn't keep this to behaviour to myself. Its highly abusive for a start and could escalate. Reach out maybe to domestic abuse charities, women's support, rights of women etc and ask for advice. Even speak to police, they have officers who specialise in domestic and can provide advice too, and it gets it on record so if it does escalate you get taken seriously if you call for help. He's threatening you, intimidating you, invading your privacy. Change the locks, you could use a parenting app to communicate with him, or maybe an intermediary. Just make sure lots of people know what's going on, speak to the school so they know as well. Take the initiative and stop this before he decides its working for him.

KateFleming · 22/03/2023 23:41

Exactly what @TheMatriarchy said.

I went through similar with my STBEXH, even though he was the person having the affair. Granted his behaviour was abusive before he moved out, it quickly escalated at this point. Coming into the house, binning all food and clothes, saying I was an unfit mother, taking car keys so I had no way of getting to work etc. Threatening full custody (even though he moans about having DS EOW), threatening to not bring son back after contact, not paying maintenance etc. The maintenance issue stopped after I took him to CMS; police told him to stay away from the house so got an undertaking but unknown to me he'd been coming to house when I wasn't in. Neighbours told me and I got locks changed. Then there was the demanding of a new key as he's still on mtge etc. The threat of an exclusion order stopped that thankfully. If you're struggling speak to Woman's Aid, they're unsung heroes. Document document document everything,times and dates etc. Make the school aware of what's going on, DS school are amazing and he's now thriving. I'm seeing someone else as well however STBEXH and DS are unaware of this. Im not expecting it to go down well if he finds out

Original poster
hadenoughofhisshit · 23/03/2023 00:58

Zanatdy · 22/03/2023 20:55

I’d just tell him to back off and refuse to engage with him about this. He’s got absolutely no right to know any of this. If you wanted to introduce your children now it’s none of his business. But the fact you aren’t is obviously good and he should respect that. You’re doing nothing wrong whatsoever. He had his chance with you and blew it. Let him threaten to stop having the kids, it will be him and the children who suffer ultimately. I’d tell him if he’s going for full custody the courts won’t look at him very favourably knowing he stopped having his own kids so you couldn’t see your boyfriend. Look up grey rock communication. Stop enabling him when he’s having hour long conversations on the door stop, close the door on him.

This is basically where I'm at. I said go on then you'll just force my hand to have him around the kids sooner if you try and stop having the kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
hadenoughofhisshit · 23/03/2023 00:59

HowRatherGolly · 22/03/2023 20:55

Are you not glad you toss this one to the side OP?

He has shown you who he is by treating you so appallingly yet demands to carry it on as he sees fit due to you having met someone else?

Have you heard of Chump lady?

Here she is and you will see that what your ex is doing is a typical behaviour of a self entitled man that is unhappy that you dare have a life outside him.

Home Page - ChumpLady.com Chump is a legend in my opinion

So bloody glad. Just wish I hadn't tried to 'do the right thing' for so long and coparent amicably, as now all this is going on

OP posts:
Original poster
hadenoughofhisshit · 23/03/2023 01:00

TiredandHungry19 · 22/03/2023 21:05

Change locks asap. Your kids will not be taken from you because you had PND, ignore it or say you’ll see him in court then. He is bullying you because he’s jealous and wants a reaction, don’t give it to him

I told him to crack on - and that he couldn't control me. He said yes he could as without him I'm nothing and he will take everything from me

OP posts:
Original poster
hadenoughofhisshit · 23/03/2023 01:00

itwasntmetho · 22/03/2023 21:08

I believe post separation coercive control is in the domestic abuse bill now, that’s what he is doing.

Oh my gosh really? It's taken a long time to open my eyes to his behaviour

OP posts:
Catoo · 23/03/2023 01:15

Lots of good advice here OP. Sorry he’s doing this.
Glad you changed the locks.
I worry this could escalate. He seems obsessed. Maybe a house move needed?
Please do get some police advice and journal it all.
Grey rock all the way
Maybe a coparenting app for any necessary comms
Good luck. X

Original poster
hadenoughofhisshit · 23/03/2023 09:14

Just an update I have informed the school. They have said unless I let them know ahead they will assume I am picking up every day and stall if he tries to take them without prior letting them know.

I've started keeping the door locked now (we are in a village where we don't generally lock doors even when nipping out to school run or shop etc)

Partner is also installing privacy film on windows and more cameras.

OP posts:
DogGoneCrazyNow · 23/03/2023 09:22

I had this with my ex. I got fed up and took him to court.

I sat there explaining that I was willing to co-parent up to 50/50 and he kept asking for unreasonable things (every weekend, core hours only, short notice etc). Eventually they told him he could have every other weekend, I got residency and that was that. His bluster at the worker and judge just pissed them off. The judge actually said if he didn't agree to what was being offered "I will be most displeased, and you don't want to look more unreasonable than you already do". I could have cheered.

It was very stressful. I cried a lot and I took a womens aid worker as a McKenzie friend but otherwise did it alone. I also requested separate rooms for negotiation before hand because I knew he'd upset and rile me.

Contact womens aid or your local DV group. Go to the GP and explain the stress its causing (to have it recorded). Log it with the police for safety. For the record I do have mental health issues, he tried to raise this. They told him I was appropriately supported and to butt out. He's also reported me to social services lots but it always backfires.

Feel free to PM if you want to talk through anything.

Original poster
hadenoughofhisshit · 23/03/2023 15:48

DogGoneCrazyNow · 23/03/2023 09:22

I had this with my ex. I got fed up and took him to court.

I sat there explaining that I was willing to co-parent up to 50/50 and he kept asking for unreasonable things (every weekend, core hours only, short notice etc). Eventually they told him he could have every other weekend, I got residency and that was that. His bluster at the worker and judge just pissed them off. The judge actually said if he didn't agree to what was being offered "I will be most displeased, and you don't want to look more unreasonable than you already do". I could have cheered.

It was very stressful. I cried a lot and I took a womens aid worker as a McKenzie friend but otherwise did it alone. I also requested separate rooms for negotiation before hand because I knew he'd upset and rile me.

Contact womens aid or your local DV group. Go to the GP and explain the stress its causing (to have it recorded). Log it with the police for safety. For the record I do have mental health issues, he tried to raise this. They told him I was appropriately supported and to butt out. He's also reported me to social services lots but it always backfires.

Feel free to PM if you want to talk through anything.

How did the every other weekend work? Was it Friday - Monday? I'm on the app how do I PM 😂 technology is not my friend

OP posts:
TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 23/03/2023 17:13

He seems to think he is entitled to know all about my life and where I'm going as who with. He even let himself into my house with the kids a few weeks ago when I wasn't there as he thought I wouldn't know but I have a camera. When confronted he said it used to be his house too so he can do as he likes.

You know damn well he cannot.
Have you changed the locks yet?
Never let him into your home again.

Text him, telling him that you are aware he illegally entered your home, have camera footage, & if he attempts this again you will have him arrested.
Tell him that his turning up at the school & following you home while peppering you with inappropriate questions constitutes harassment, & if he does it again you will inform the police he is stalking you.
Tell him that you have noted his threats to deprive you of your children, & that you welcome any intervention he asks social services to make, as they will be wise to his tactics & will readily see that your parenting is of no concern.
Then tell him that he is to only communicate with you regarding access arrangements, & that you will not respond to any comms outside of that.

Mean it, stick to it, & involve police, SS & a lawyer if he doesn't back off.
He's bullying you. Stop letting him.

Original poster
hadenoughofhisshit · 23/03/2023 18:05

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 23/03/2023 17:13

He seems to think he is entitled to know all about my life and where I'm going as who with. He even let himself into my house with the kids a few weeks ago when I wasn't there as he thought I wouldn't know but I have a camera. When confronted he said it used to be his house too so he can do as he likes.

You know damn well he cannot.
Have you changed the locks yet?
Never let him into your home again.

Text him, telling him that you are aware he illegally entered your home, have camera footage, & if he attempts this again you will have him arrested.
Tell him that his turning up at the school & following you home while peppering you with inappropriate questions constitutes harassment, & if he does it again you will inform the police he is stalking you.
Tell him that you have noted his threats to deprive you of your children, & that you welcome any intervention he asks social services to make, as they will be wise to his tactics & will readily see that your parenting is of no concern.
Then tell him that he is to only communicate with you regarding access arrangements, & that you will not respond to any comms outside of that.

Mean it, stick to it, & involve police, SS & a lawyer if he doesn't back off.
He's bullying you. Stop letting him.

I have the keys back and locks are being changed. I've told him he is not to come in the house again - I have said he can pick up and drop off outside. I have informed school that without letting them know prior he is not to take the kids.
I've started keeping the door locked and we are putting up more cameras and privacy film on the windows.

OP posts: