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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ex Baby Mum

3 replies

rsbowles · 22/03/2023 17:47

Please help - my current partner has a child with a different woman. I have had no problem with this for the past year and a half we have been together. However, his ex partner the child's mother is a nightmare. I do not feel I am strong enough to put up with it for much longer although I love him dearly and I have never felt like this over someone in my whole life. I am used to idiots and he is so far from! He is lovely as his is family, we are very happy. That is until, his ex partner strikes! Now one week I am the best thing since sliced bread and the next I am (excuse my language) but shit on her shoe! On a bad week, it's constant texts, calls, lies and just general chaos. However, on a good week it's great! She brings me up to the child even though i have been forbidden from meeting them! Ovbiously, I respect her wishes as a child is not a pet but me being forbidden changes weekly too depending on it benefitting her :/ It’s taking a huge toll on my partners mental health as they have been split for some years now and this has only started since he met me. She stalks me and my family. She threatens to stop him seeing his child if she sees or hears something she doesn’t like - this makes him soft. He wants to stand up for himself but we are both at our wits end because there is a young child stuck in the middle of this - this has caused me to have this “let her win” attitude which drives my family and friends mad because she doesn’t deserve that! I contemplate taking myself out of the equation a lot and it’s upsetting for me and him. Does this ever get easier??

OP posts:
blackbeardsballsack · 22/03/2023 17:56

The only way it will change is if he takes her to court. If he continues to be part of the endless circus, I would leave him. Not your monkeys.

category12 · 22/03/2023 18:05

Yeah, I'd bail. There's years of this drama triangle ahead if you don't.

If you're determined to stay, you could ask him to get an official access agreement sorted out through mediation or the courts.

If she's stalking & harassing you and your family, a solicitor 'cease & desist' letter might put the wind up her, or you could involve the police.

Bootlass · 22/03/2023 18:17

Take yourself out of the equation if you can in regards contact with DC until everything is resolved. The constant back and forth, changing of minds as to who they can and can't see must be so confusing and upsetting for them. Stop enabling ex to use this as a weapon. Just say 'fair enough, I'll take a step back. This is between you and him'. Specially after only 18 months. It's not like you have become an established step parent and have any caring responsibilities for the child right after such a short amount of time.
Report ex to police for harassment, keep a diary of everything that happens, keep messages and recordings etc, get a non-molestation order.
And of course, the rest is down to your partner in that he has to take this to court regarding access. If he already has but she's not sticking to it, then he has to go back again. First step is legal advice so he gets a solicitor. As hard as it sounds, if DP is as wonderful as you say and you are otherwise happy in the relationship, don't let her petty bitterness and jealousy force you apart

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