Help wanted - F bullying DB with LD

[DuskyBlueDepartingLight]

DB1 lives in supported facility with 4 care calls per day.
F visits 1 per week & is consistently disrespectful, nasty & mean.
Not a case of carer burnout.
F resents the existence of DB & believes I should take on his parental responsibility because it’s women’s work.
DB2 lives close to DB1 & F - not expected to do anything.
F increasingly verbally & emotionally abusive towards me & DB1 but I can’t prove it.
Always has deniability / false justifications.
Works hard at undermining us so that when I’ve spoken to DB2, he doesn’t really see what’s wrong.
Wider family & social milieu believes men can do no wrong.
Abused our DM who died young. Never physical.
SS not interested said it sounds like a personality clash.
F working hard to convince DB1 he is the one with the problem & even took him to GP to get meds because 'there's something wrong with him'
DB1 is reacting because he’s being abused but looks more volatile due to his distress, whereas F always plays cool denial.
I contacted GP to leave a note on his file that my F’s abuse is undermining my DB1’s MH.
I cannot move back to hometown. Live 3hrs away.
Have asked my DB1 to consider moving closer to me.
I don’t care that this lets F have his own way – I just want DB1 to be free from harm.
Truly believe F gets a sadistic kick out of harming / provoking people then playing innocent / victim.
Yet also believes we should worship him because he’s been ‘nice’ to us as well as abusive.
As he’s done the bare minimum grudgingly, believes he’s the world’s best F because other useless specimens make him look half decent.
Very grateful for any understanding, support & strategic / practical advice on how to deal with this.
Wasn’t sure whether to post in Feminism or Relationships.

Call Adult social services.

Are the care staff aware?

I did

They said it's a personality clash

Think F has charmed regular staff but also huge turnover

I also need to be careful that DB doesn't have reprisals for my actions: he's accessible to F & I'm not

It's verbal & emotional: our word against his

If you're willing and able, could you formally approach social services with a view to transferring your DB to nearer to you. You could cite that the family expect you to pick up the responsibility from your DF as he ages and will eventually die. And you think the time might be right now - so things aren't done in an emergency rushed manner. If your DF wants you to take on this responsibility presumably he will agree. The distance between you and DF will help protect your DB

Could you research service availability closer to you ?

No doubt your father will want you to care for him one day, he’ll be in for a shock, because no way on this earth should you do so.

Its difficult because whilst I’d encourage you to cut contact with your father, you obviously still want to look out for your brother. I hate to say it, because it’s not your job, but would it be better if he did live closer to you? What would that mean for you?

Yes, I've asked my DB to consider moving closer to me - this will take time

He does have capacity, so he will have to want to move

Unfortunately, F has been telling him that I should move home so mixed messages

Plus I understand that more generally my DB may not want to move, fear of change etc

It's just so unfair & sad - it doesn't have to be like this F is being so destructive

And I doubt myself at times because it's so hidden, if that's the right word, feels like I'm going crazy

F is responsible for his actions but I feel so powerless that I cannot make him stop

I can see this ending with both brothers being turned against me

Just feel so very sad about all this

Is your wider extended family involved at all, would any of them be able to help you? Do you think they will believe you or worried there may be bias there too?

Perhaps you have one trusted member of your extended family you could go to for assistance even if others can't help? I know it won't help immediately but it might be easier to have someone else on your side if you think F is charming people and making you look like a liar.

You are not going crazy, OP. Please have belief and confidence in yourself that you recognise your F for exactly what he is, a controlling, coercive, abusive gaslighter.

What are your brother's initial thoughts about moving? Is there actually somewhere for him to go or will he be living with you? I understand you want to protect DB1 but also acknowledge that it's a huge responsibility and think carefully if it's something you can maintain and sustain in the long-term.

I know I might sound like the crazy one and this may sound really extreme, but could you not record all interactions with your father - record phone calls and perhaps even consider putting a camera in DB1's home? Anything you can think of to capture some evidence of F's manipulative behaviour. If not to use officially with SS but even just to show DB2 exactly what's going on in order to get him on side and provide more support for yourself and DB1

I agree with @Gingergirl70.

Record interactions.

Gaslighters live in the grey areas of uncertainty where they can make out other people are liars or "confused". Hold them to account with evidence.

Thank you for the replies.

I have tried talking to extended family members & it hasn't worked. They're telling DB off for confiding in me, effectively silencing him. They are working hard to undermine me & covering for F. My word counts for nothing.

My DB is not keen on the idea of moving. There's also an unspoken narrative of why should he have to move, it should be me. And he is influenced by this.

I have considered audio / video recording. DB is being punished for my speaking out with reduced contact from F atm. It's also so subtle / low level, that hours of footage would be needed to identify any patterns.

It's intangible & I have no evidence. Even if I had proof, I have the feeling everyone would be falling over themselves to excuse him.

I have been NC with F for almost 1 year. He has ramped up playing the victim since then & it has worked. My trying to protect DB also plays into the idea that he is the victim.

Update.

My brothers have both turned against me.

My disabled brother is copying the bullying tactics my Dad has used on him.

I don't think I will be able to maintain contact with him, which kills me because I want him to be safe, well & free from abuse.

I am so sorry OP but you need to put yourself first and walk away from them. Keep it open to your brother but save yourself

OP, you tried to help.

Stay far away from them all and live your best life.

That is all you can do.

My Dad will be feeling so smug about having ruined our sibling relationships & vindicated in his poor treatment of me.

Now DBs are against me, it lends weight to his argument that I'm the problem. With the added element of punishing me by taking my remaining family away from me.

It will also mean that DB with LDs is isolated & may receive worse treatment.

OP do you have support locally with friends and maybe dh/dcs? Have you built up a good life for yourself where you are? If you have support I would say back away now from the situation. It's absolutely awful what you f has done and it's sad you couldn't do anymore for your db1 but you're up against a narcissist abuser and you won't get anywhere sadly without your DBs seeing it for themselves. Hopefully the penny will drop soon. As for wider family that believe your dad, that's sadly another thing to step away from. People will take sides and not always the right way. The best thing you can do now is build yourself a positive happy healthy life away from them and maybe get some counselling for the years and years of mental abuse you've been through yourself xxxx