So worried about his debt/fines when he ignores it

[SoTiredOfAllTheSh17]

To start I’ve been in an unhappy marriage for many many years, I’ve asked him to leave many times but he won’t go. I’ve had anxiety problems for longer than I’ve know him so my MH isn’t the best. I think he gaslights me too.
Have 1 son who is 6 and stay because of them plus a mortgage and bills I couldn’t pay if single (yes I know I should leave etc and really hope to one day)

He never has been good with money and is self employed. About 10 years ago I found out he hadn’t done tax returns for years, finally got an accountant, had huge fines etc and somehow sorted it out, it was extremely stressful etc. He’s had motoring/other fines ignored them and caused lots of issues.
basically anything in a brown envelope he doesn’t open. If I ask him about them and say I’m worried he shouts and has a go at me saying he has a lot on his mind and will deal with it. He recently was ignoring letters until I opened one (kind of said DS did by mistake as worried about his reaction) there was a huge accumulated vehicle fine £700 that he finally paid on a CC

There’s a pile of them again and I know some are for non filed tax returns. I think he’s old accountant has left or been taken over as I used to get emails about unpaid bills of hundreds of pounds that he said weren’t to worry about but not seen any for a while. So I’m worried about bailiffs etc but he keeps saying he’s onto it. I don’t think he’s been paying tax or NI or saving for it as he his has own bank account (as do I, plus we have a joint one for mortgage/household bills).

I don’t know how to deal with all this as he shouts and says he’s got alot going on if I try to talk - even at weekends when it’s quiet. I’m so worried about unpaid fines, unpaid tax, credit cards I think he has etc and really need help. I’ve never been in debt and always deal with money and bills.

[SecretSwirrel]

My ex did this and it’s one of the reasons we split up. It made me feel v scared and vulnerable. It also meant that we couldn’t move to a bigger house because there’s no way we’d have got a mortgage without proof of income so we ended up being stuck in a house that too small.

I even offered to do it for him as I used to do my own and can easily work out what to deduct for expenses etc.

[SoTiredOfAllTheSh17]

Yes, you’ve hit the nail on the head there I do feel scared and vulnerable especially about bailiffs and bad credit etc when I always sort out things myself.

[category12]

You could speak to domestic abuse services about your options to get out of the marriage.

It's unrealistic to expect him to leave the family home and he will have rights to it, through marriage. But if you file for divorce, eventually a split of marital assets will happen and it'll all get sorted out.

With his behaviour over fines, he can't be helping the financial situation so it's dragging the household down, so while you may feel like you can't afford to split, you can't really afford to stay in the marriage either.

I think your anxiety would improve out of this relationship. It may predate him, but it's unlikely to get better with him in the picture.

Also, it's not a great relationship model you are giving your child, nor a healthy environment for them to grow up in, so staying "for them" isn't necessarily their best interests.

[Mortimercat]

You have been asking him to leave for years and he won’t, so you need to. And once you have done so, you file for divorce and seek financial settlement. Do you work? Have you family or other support in place?

[SoTiredOfAllTheSh17]

I know I need to leave, I need the strength to do it. He was really nasty and shouting again this morning to both of us saying we didn’t reply when he spoke although we did. DS was crying too as he shouted. When he gets in later he’ll probably be all nice for a while like nothing happened then switch again

[JoanCandy]

Hey OP. I’ve read through this recognise so much from my own past marriage. A self employed man who didn’t bother to pay taxes, constant debt and yes, we did eventually have bailiffs knocking on the door and one pair that walked straight into our home and took our stuff.
I ended up having a breakdown with the stress, it wasn’t pleasant (this was back in 2014).
But the worst part to read was that this bully’s shouting made your poor son cry - just before going to school as well, poor mite.
You need to leave, asap. Call Women’s Aid, they’ll advise on how you can achieve this when you think that you don’t have any options because you do.
Get your strength to leave from doing the right thing for your child.

[SoTiredOfAllTheSh17]

Thank you I have contacted woman’s aid and had a good online chat (even though I was in tears the whole time) they have given me my local contact to help with advise and legal etc. I hope I can get the strength to make change like you did x

[SoTiredOfAllTheSh17]

He’s just said that I’m an evil piece of work in front of our child who then started crying . I told him I want him out of the house and my life. There’s a lot more background stuff, he drinks at the pub then at home every day and smokes weed every day too. He’s very moody and irritable all the time and can say nasty things a lot.

[123wentaway]

This is no way to live is it? You’re feeling anxious and your poor child will too. He shouldn’t be heating his father verbally abuse you. Call Women’s Aid and ask their advice. It is never worth suffering this abuse just because of a mortgage tying you together.
Get some advice from WA, then start making your plan to leave. It’s not anlways easy, but it is possible.

[123wentaway]

Sorry, didn’t see your last post as I’d left mine hanging to let the dog out.
You really can’t let your little boy around cannabis and drinking, please start making your plan to leave.

[billy1966]

OP,

You child is being terribly damaged by being abused by your husband.

You do realise this?

That poor scared little boy having to go into a day of school having seen this.

I really hope his teachers notice and he tells them what is happening to him.

That pig is controlling you with his deliberate debt and financial chaos.

You need to stop being afraid and step up for your son.

Alcohol, drugs, abuse, that poor child must be so frightened and confused.

You only have one child to keep safe.

Please put him first.

At the moment you are putting this awful man and yourself ahead of a very frightened little boy.

You both deserve better.

Tell the full truth to WA, your GP, ring 101 for advice.

He's abusing a 6 year old frightened child.

You are the only one who can stop this.

Wishing you well.

[Temporaryname158]

Put your child first, if he’s drinking and taking drugs does he drive? If so report to the police.

call the police and report the coercive control, emotional abuse

call social d services and report him

inform the school.

don’t let him abuse your poor child

[SoTiredOfAllTheSh17]

I’m waiting to speak to my local contact.
he’s now saying I’m causing problems that I’m grinding him down and I’m killing him!!
he can’t see he’s doing anything wrong, he says its all me, he really confuses me and messes with my head

[Livedandlearned]

It's not you, it's him.

Repeat that to yourself daily.

[category12]

@SoTiredOfAllTheSh17

I’m waiting to speak to my local contact.
he’s now saying I’m causing problems that I’m grinding him down and I’m killing him!!
he can’t see he’s doing anything wrong, he says its all me, he really confuses me and messes with my head

If you're so terrible, then he should be splitting up with you.

But he's not, because he knows he's onto a good thing as long as he can continue to bully you and shut you up.

[LaPL]

OP how is he with your son? Is he a decent father otherwise? I went through the same emotional and verbal abuse with my XH. I asked him to move out and he refused so I did, for 2 reasons - my mental health and my child. I didn't want my child to live in that environment and I didn't want him to believe that was a healthy relationship. We sold the house, I have spousal and child support every month + my income from work. We split custody and I check on my child constantly (6yo) asking if he's father is good to him and if he yells etc. My son seems happy now, but I always keep an eye on their relationship.

Do you have family close by? Rely on them if you can.
It's hard, but you clearly ARE in an abusive relationship with a narcissist and there is only one thing to do: LEAVE.

[AgentJohnson]

Disengage, disengage, disengage. The him that isn’t an abusive twat isn’t waiting around the corner, so stop waiting.

The balls in your court, always has been. You got this.

[SoTiredOfAllTheSh17]

Thank you all for your replies, I know what I have to do, it’s getting the strength and courage to do it I guess. I need to get my head clear and speak to my local contact and start making plans

[CindersAgain]

You don’t need to prove to him or yourself that you are right and he is wrong. You can just decide you don’t like being with him. That is enough reason to split up.