Struggling to cope

[Rarar]

Really struggling with my relationship with my DM atm and have no one to talk to so sorry if this is long. We've always been really close but she's changed so much in recent years I barely recognise her anymore and am finding her harder and harder to be around. For a number of reasons her world has shrunk and she's become completely negative and self obsessed to the point where she's unpleasant and draining to be around. It hurts me massively to say that because I love her, she's my mum but it's the truth.

I do believe she's probably depressed and is definitely suffering with anxiety but she refuses to seek help and I obviously can't force her. Her anxiety is often health related which I find difficult at the best of times because I never know when to worry that she's actually ill and when it's just her anxiety. Unfortunately her current health worries are coinciding with my own (I'm awaiting test results for suspected cancer) and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to listen to her symptoms and theories about what might be wrong with her whilst biting my tongue about my own health because I don't want to worry her.

I don't know what I'm expecting people to advise, there's not really anything I can do differently because if I reduce contact the guilt will eat me alive but I just don't feel able to support her as well as cope with my own stuff right now. I realise that part of what's making this hard is recognising that she's hitting that age where it's my turn to look after her and I can no longer look to her for support but I suppose I just feel that she's making that harder than it needs to be. I could cope with not being able to tell her what's going on with me, just not when she's constantly talking about her 'symptoms'.

I think I just needed to say all this out loud, I feel horribly disloyal to her but I'm hoping that getting it off my chest will make me more able to be patient and tolerant with her. I've only told DH about the cancer and I'm absolutely terrified I'm going to die and leave my teenage DC when they need me most so I'm feeling pretty alone right now.

That all sounds really difficult. How old is your dm? I am wondering could she be starting to suffer from dementia. Often it can lead to a change of character in the beginning. She very definitely needs to see a doctor as with anxiety and depression there is quite good medication that would ease her symptoms a lot. Is there any excuse you can think of to get her into her GP..any regular check upshe might agree to? Is there other family members who could take some pressure off you at this moment as you have enough on your plate with waiting for your own results. I hope that all turns out well but it is a very stressful time for you.

I think you should tell her about your cancer tests, saying nothing will cause resentment within you.

You are scared and need your mother's support.

x

How old is yor Mum O.P? Does she live alone and does she have any friends or other people in her life? I think you might find sharing your fears about your own health condition will help her to focus on something other than her own concerns. Tell her you need her support at this time and you may find she is more than willing to give it.

She's 72 and in pretty good health, some joint pain but that's about all. I don't know about dementia but no obvious signs and I wouldn't stand a cat in hell's chance of getting her to the GP under any circumstances I'm afraid. She doesn't live alone no, she has a partner and my sibling visits often. Some friends but she rarely sees them, just keeps in touch by phone mostly.

There's not really any way others could take the pressure off me tbh, I'm already limiting visits but she just calls instead and I doubt that would change even if other people visited more often. She will know something is up if I'm suddenly busy or don't want to talk, as I said we've always been close so this level of contact is normal for us and has never been a problem for me, it's just the negativity and constant picking apart of 'symptoms' I'm finding so difficult atm.

I really can't tell her about the cancer. Her health anxiety extends to her loved ones as well as herself and she will spiral and make the wait for results unbearable for both me and her. If the results aren't good I will have to keep it from her as best and for as long as I possibly can because I know she will make it all about her and I can't face that. I am actually wondering about dementia now it's been mentioned, she's like a different person, she never used to be like this