Is my ex crossing the line?

[Gerrataere]

I’ve fairly recently separated from the dad of my kids. It was my decision, long time coming, had my exit plan in place since Covid in all honesty. He felt blindsided when I told him, heartbroken but despite numerous warnings I was at the end of my tether there were no changes. I wasn’t perfect but if I listed all the things I put up with or simply ignored over 15+ years you’d all think I was mad for not leaving sooner. Think living with Homer Simpson without the drinking or stupidity.

I had to leave the home with the kids (several reasons and quite frankly was glad to), but I went to great lengths to stay local. I absolutely didn’t want the kids to lose a relationship with their dad and I was hoping we could have a healthy relationship as parents. Our kids have additional needs/disabilities so it was even more important to do things as well as possible, I even spent the first few weeks staying for a couple of hours or even making a home cooked meal (unsurprisingly the second I left the fridge was empty and the freezer full of pizza and nuggets). Unfortunately, this was a mistake on my part. He kept trying to talk to me as if nothing had really changed. Making some inappropriate comments - as an example I was going out to dinner with friends and when he saw my outfit he said ‘haha I’m not sure I can let you out in that’. The house also started to look like a teenager had been left alone for weeks, clothes piling up, nothing wiped or cleaned. There are cleaner toilets in prison. Not somewhere I wanted to cook for certain.

So I started to detach. I’d say I was meeting friends or going shopping and eventually got it down to a simple drop off/pick up situation. He’s now messaging me asking why do I suddenly ‘despise’ him, why don’t I have conversations with him, why don’t I come in for a cuppa and some dinner? I know he’s not over things but I also know I completely am. He suggested that not doing things as a family on the weekend is crap (of me I think is the undertone). I am desperately trying to find a healthy balance, do I bite my tongue and play happy families occasionally?

I'd go with no, as his motive isn't amicable parenting, really. I don't think giving mixed messages is the kind thing to do in the situation.

I'd stick to creating distance and boundaries, while being civil.

I have tried to keep as civil as humanly possible. I do feel his motivations are leaning far more heavily in having a familiar relationship with me. I have to arrange all visits, he never says ‘can I have the children at x time’ just waits for me to say when I’ll be dropping off. I do feel somewhat bad, he has no close friends really and I suspect our relationship only limped on so long because he didn’t want to be alone, but I can’t be ‘friend’ now. I’m quite frankly still recovering mentally from a lot of our relationship - he wasn’t abusive but he was very difficult to live with over time.

Don’t play into his manipulations; calmly tell him you don’t despise him but you’re no longer together and when he has the children you have other things to do. He’s trying to blur the boundaries and it’s up to you to keep it in place.

There’s a lovely phrase which I first heard on mumsnet.

Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Stay detached from him. You obviously want a clean break, if you falter now you’ll be still asking this question in a years time and wishing you’d set firmer boundaries at the beginning.

Im divorcing and I now love the fact that I no longer have to do things just because my ex wanted me to.

I'd agree set days with him so there's a routine - better for everyone.