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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyf is still talking to the girls he’s slept with

6 replies

Ez985 · 21/03/2023 18:15

So me and boyfriend got together in 2016. He then cheated on me in 2021. I admit, our relationship was not the best and he told me after he was very unhappy. I obviously kicked him out and we split.

He then went with somebody else to the person he cheated on me with. He never really made it official with any of them but he was sleeping with/seeing them like they were a couple.
Late into 2021 he told me that actually he missed me and wanted me back. I kept him at a distance but we became friends again (please don’t judge me for this. We lost our baby daughter in the April so kept in touch anyway). Eventually we fell back in love and things were good. It wasn’t easy but I could tell he meant it. We were happy. Everything was different.
Flash forward to May 2022 I saw the first message from the girl he originally left me for. Obviously intrigued and me being me, I looked into it more in his Apple Watch. She was initiating the convo, or at least what I saw of it but he was still replying. It didn’t bother me too much. She is a colleague so I thought ok let it go. Maybe it is her and not him. He pledged he just wanted to be civil for work. She hated me so wanted to spite me anyway.
Then two more conversations came from her. Again, only what I’d seen. There could be more but it’s deleted? One was her initiating convo, one was my boyfriend saying he’d seen her ex at a football match. There was also a reply from my bf asking if she had a boyfriend now??
Flash forward to the current day, he’s now sent a TikTok to her. Only a joke one. FYI, none of the messages I have seen have been sexual or loving but again, I don’t know if anything has been deleted. He’s completely denied it saying it wasn’t sent to her but deleted it as soon as I saw it.
He hasn’t been going anywhere for long periods of time which I caught him out doing before when he cheated so have no reason to think he’s doing anything else. He’s never late home from work and on his days off we are always together or with his family.
I’ve told him before that I don’t like it and I find it disrespectful because of the history but it’s carried on and he’s hidden it from me. I’ve obviously confronted him about it and I’ve told him to leave as I’m not going to stand for it anymore. The more I forgive, the more he will walk all over me and do it again.
He also then admitted that he had to talk to the other girl he had been sleeping with on the phone for a work related matter (they are colleagues as well) she is newly single and has recently unblocked him to call him so obviously this worries me as well now and who knows if he’s just trying to cover his tracks and he had acc been in touch with her as well??
What I want to know is, do I stick to my word and end it or am I being irrational? He’s trying to keep us together but I don’t trust him at all and I’m not happy carrying on being walked all over. It will only be a matter of time and I feel he will do it again. I feel humiliated and a laughing stock as all these girls know he’s with me and there he is doing this!! Am I doing the right thing saying goodbye once and for all?? TIA x

OP posts:
Pseudonamed · 21/03/2023 18:20

You have told him how you feel and he is still disrespecting that. Get rid of him, he will never change and you will develop anxiety over it all. No man is worth your mental health.

Shapemyeyebrows · 21/03/2023 18:53

@Ez985 100% get rid. You gave him a 2nd chance but he’s shown you he’s not changed. He’s asking the girl he cheated on you with if she’s got a boyfriend? That itself would be enough for me to end it. Sounds like he’s leading up to straying again (if he hasn’t already). If you stay with him now, then unfortunately you will spend the rest of your relationship battling with him to respect you whilst he carries on disrespecting you. It’s fair enough to give someone a 2nd chance but if you keep giving chance after chance you are just letting them know how low your bar is and that you will stay with them anyway.

NCMum79 · 21/03/2023 19:06

You aren't being irrational, you're being completely rational. The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. He cheated before. He lied before. He hid things before. He's lying and hiding things again - The most predictable outcome is he will cheat again. You have no reason to trust him at all. Trust yourself and end it

Opaljewel · 21/03/2023 19:37

If they just friends and their history was time ago, I'd say you were being irrational.

But he cheated on you with one of them am I right and he is still in contact?

Hell to the no. You can do much better than this idiot. I'm so sorry for your loss op but this is no reason to stay with him. He is not respecting you. You deserve more.

Dj2020 · 21/03/2023 19:43

100 % get rid. You said yourself you don't trust him. Find someone else who only wants your attention and respects you you deserve better than that.

winterbegone · 21/03/2023 19:55

It's all very toxic, end it, this guy flips between different women, I guess no one wants him for long because he's a liar and a cheat, he's too unstable to be in a relationship. The only way you'll be treated better is by being kind to yourself, saying no to these types of men and moving on.
By staying you think you aren't worth more, if a committed relationship with children in your future, you need to pick wisely.

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