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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Situationship still feel stuck

18 replies

Tinkywinkeyshat · 21/03/2023 17:10

Ex dp and I, father of my DC, ended up in a situationship during the first covid lockdown and he's not left since - he won't commit and tells me about all these dates he's going on and 3 weeks ago I exploded and told him to pack his stuff and leave because I deserve more and am fed up of being used fast forward to mothers day, he has cooked me a meal with the dc, got lots of gifts and been so nice ! Now I'm back to daily calls/message/inappropriate photos etc, because apparently I've made my bed so I now need to lie in it? I can't carry on like this and it's making me feel really sad as I'm upset I've wasted so long in living and existing as a family sharing a home , car , finances etc

OP posts:
TinyBagEnergy · 21/03/2023 17:13

Boot him out. He wants to have his cake and eat it, and doesn't care how miserable it makes you.

You're worth more than this.

Hiddenvoice · 21/03/2023 17:21

Exactly as what the pp said! He isn’t willing to commit, he wants his cake and eat it. You know you don’t deserve this and you know he is holding you back from finding someone who is actually ready for a real relationship.
If he lives with you then tell him ti move out. If you just casually meet up from time to time then say no. Be polite for the children’s sake and keep in contact for the children’s sake but put him in his place when he sends inappropriate pictures!
If he was truly afraid of you leaving him and actually wanted to be with you then he’d hopefully try make more of an effort

Quitelikeit · 21/03/2023 17:31

Are you saying you met a guy during covid, he moved in with you, you had a baby, you were never in a relationship despite all that and now he refuses to leave?

Quitelikeit · 21/03/2023 17:31

Is this your house?

Is his name on the tenancy?

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/03/2023 17:33

Obviously you need to split up. What's the financial situation like? Whose name is on the tenancy or mortgage?

Original poster
Tinkywinkeyshat · 21/03/2023 17:34

No he was my ex before covid , ended up staying and I have asked him to leave but now when I ask him to help with DC etc I get you made your bed you need to lie in it

I'm at a complete loss what to do now and unsure why he's treating me this wAy when he has made it clear he is looking elsewhere!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tinkywinkeyshat · 21/03/2023 17:35

House and bills are all in my name thankfully!

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 21/03/2023 17:41

Honestly when you know he is next going out organise to change the locks and pack his stuff up

Your self esteem must be on the floor

He is really taking you for a ride

If I lived close by I would change the locks for you myself

ask yourself why on earth you tolerate this!!

He tolerates it because he has a nice easy life sadly he is not that into you or bothered about the kids - he is an appalling role model

LilLilLi · 21/03/2023 17:42

It doesn’t matter why. It really, really doesn’t.

You could spend years trying to figure him out, why he does this, why he does that and all you will do is destroy yourself in the process.

You deserve better than the way he is treating you. It’s that simple.

Tell him to leave and mean it x

Rainbowqueeen · 21/03/2023 17:48

So if you end things he is saying he won’t see the DC?

What a great commited father. Sounds like just what they need.

You’re not stuck and you can get out of this. You just need a plan and to realise that if he chooses to not see his DC because you won’t give him no strings sex then that’s a reflection on him and no one else.

I would get a cheap phone to use just for him. Pack up his stuff and change the locks. Block abs delete from regular phone. Give him new number and tell him you will communicate with him over contact with DC only. Claim cms.
If he comes round other than to collect DC for contact, do not let him in. Send message telling him to stop harassing you. Call the police if he does not.

Do the freedom programme. Accept that it is hard to change patterns and reward yourself for standing up to a bully with little treats. Lean on friends and MN for support. Remind yourself you can’t get on with your life while he keeps messing with your head.

You got this.

Original poster
Tinkywinkeyshat · 21/03/2023 19:35

He will have one DC at a time just to be blinking awkward - doesn't worry me I can't remember the last time I went out, aside from work, I just can't believe I gave so much of my time and energy to be treated like this and his family have blocked me on everything since, I can't make sense of it !

OP posts:
Shapemyeyebrows · 21/03/2023 19:36

@Tinkywinkeyshat he is treating you like this because you are letting him. You aren’t stuck, you just don’t want to end things with him. You need to ask yourself why you want to cling onto someone who is treating you so badly?

Original poster
Tinkywinkeyshat · 21/03/2023 21:46

He has moved back in to his mums - sorry I should have made that clear in my OP , his argument is his mums house his mums rules so yes feel rather stuck between a rock and a hard place - I told him all this crap had to stop and now it feels like I'm facing these odd mind games to try and entice me back in or something

OP posts:
Moser85 · 21/03/2023 21:51

Hi OP.
Can you clarify what you mean by "I can't carry on like this".

Is it mainly that he won't take the kids?
or is it all of the inappropriate messages etc?
Or are you struggling with it ending?

Original poster
Tinkywinkeyshat · 21/03/2023 22:34

That he won't take the kids and the continuing messages/calls to ask how I am and if I am missing him and how I won't have the same lifestyle without him

OP posts:
Moser85 · 21/03/2023 22:42

In regards to not taking the kids you can't force him unfortunately, you just have to treat this like it was a regular break up. And unfortunately (again) men often act like pricks after a break up and don't bother with the kids or want to punish the mother for ending the relationship.

If you can't block him could you at least mute his text messages and only answer if he has one of the kids.

Don't give him the satisfaction of letting him think he has power over you by begging him to take the kids or anything like that. He won't take them anyway.

Rainbowqueeen · 22/03/2023 06:29

Well don’t send the kids. Send only messages saying please contact me to arrange a contact schedule that is in the best interests of the DC. I propose EOW and Wednesdays.

He will get bored eventually. But you need to grey rock him.
You do want to have a life for yourself don’t you?? Claim maintenance via cms and put sone aside to hire a babysitter. This guy can’t be relied on

Zanatdy · 22/03/2023 06:56

Look up grey rock and use this communication with him. Do not respond to these ridiculous messages. He will soon tire of it. What a dick

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