Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

how can i know if i'm the problem?

2 replies

tummatina · 21/03/2023 15:43

was listening to radio 4 this am about a woman who realised late in life through therapy that her mother was a narcissist and how badly it has impacted on her.
It made me think about myself and how I am not really a person who is appealing to others.
My positive things are i have a good long marriage and adult children with partners who I get on with .
I have had a successful career but haven't really made any meaningful relationships despite working alongside people for many years .
The negative things are I do not really have friends that i could call on or talk honestly with . Although i do have quite a few people i meet from time to time for coffee etc but if im honest these meetings are almost always instigated by me.
There have been 3 occasions where i have believed myself to be very friendly with people but they eventually cut ties although in each case i do not have enough insight to work out why.
I was close to my sister but in the past few years that relationship has dramatically deteriorated in part due to a partner she has. I think i am also jealous of her but really have no real reason to be jealous.
I think I am very judgmental although i don't set out to be and dwell on things a lot. I think i am also passive aggressive and do not have mature conversations about things i find upsetting but instead do things like not answer the phone or text messages.
I amin a new phase of life and would like to be a better person but I just cannot seem to control myself enough to make changes.
Sorry for the rant it was hearing that interview that made me question my own character
Should i consider therapy? I'm not sure i could afford it but maybe some self help books .
Any ideas or pointers would be very welcome

OP posts:
Raineth · 21/03/2023 16:20

Hmmmm. I don’t know any self help books etc but the following questions have helped me rub along better with others.

  • Am I being competitive in this conversation? Eg do all my anecdotes try and ‘top trumps’ what they just said?
  • Am I moaning? No one likes a moaner and even your closest friends will drift away if you moan a lot.
  • Am I asking lots of questions about them, and remembering the answers and coming back to unresolved problems next time we meet eg “Hey hope your dog is ok now?”. I used to make notes on my phone to remind me what’s bothering acquaintances and then ‘revise’ these before the next meetup, now I’ve got better at this and don’t need the notes so much.
  • Am I boasting? Patronising? Minimising their troubles?
  • Am I being nosy?
  • Am I asking too personal questions?
  • Am I criticising their appearance?
  • Am I allowing them to change the subject away from something I asked about that they don’t want to discuss?
  • Am I touching on uncomfortable issues eg topics that remind them I have more money / better health / am fitter than them?
  • Am I being too generous/ too stingy / too uptight?
  • Am I making them feel good about themselves?
  • Am I making things awkward?

Etc etc

Good luck x

tummatina · 21/03/2023 18:24

Thankyou fir your detailed reply.
Yes I may be guilty of some of those issues i've saved your list idea and will try is out

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread