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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Really miss him but don't want to get back together with him

5 replies

horseyhorsey17 · 21/03/2023 11:05

Husband and I separated last Feb, we now live in separate houses and are co-parenting our two kids. Everything is fairly amicable. I am struggling though because I miss him a lot more than I expected. He was my best friend, and although physically the relationship had died, and a gulf had appeared between us so in the end I decided I couldn't carry on like that, it was a really difficult decision to make and I've wondered if I've done the right thing. But when I think about being intimate with him, or sharing a bed with him again, I know I have, because I don't want to do those things at all. The problem is, I don't want to do them with anyone! I've tried dating sites but have no real interest in meeting anyone else - partly I think because I still feel like I'd be cheating on my ex. The other issue is that the sexual problems in my marriage have put me off sex completely. Don't want to go into too many details, but after 17 years of erectile dysfunction (which he brushed aside as a non-issue), I had started to very firmly believe I was the problem. Now I don't feel like a sexual human being.

Is this normal? Writing it down, it doesn't look all that normal! Has anyone experienced anything similar - and will these feelings pass? Will I eventually start feeling happy again and not like I'm going to die alone? I am mid 40s, have a good job, the kids are fine, I own a house that I love, I have nice friends, and I am not unpleasing on the eye. I'm just sad all the time. Things will get better, won't they? I've been to the doc for depression - and I have anxiety anyway - but they decided it was too low a level to medicate, and I don't really want that anyway. Had CBT but it wasn't particularly helpful.

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 21/03/2023 12:25

It will get better, you just need to give yourself time to grieve the end of your marriage and the loss of the friendship you had with your husband. You probably feel that you are in limbo at the moment but it's OK to feel sad when things end. You may benefit from some counselling just to explore your feelings with someone impartial, it can be very cathartic. You will get your mojo back l'm sure, you just need time to recover and feel ready for the next stage in your life, whatever that might be.

horseyhorsey17 · 21/03/2023 14:00

Thank you. I suppose I thought my feelings would have moved on more than they have in a year. I am definitely going to look for a good counsellor, although I've been slightly put off by having a couple of bad ones in the past.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 21/03/2023 18:56

You'll be fine. You're not meant to hop out of your marriage and straight into someone else's bed. You're not meant to leap out of separation, gleefully singing of all the joys in life. It's shit. It's meant to be shit. You're grieving. Allow this.

Pleaseaddcaffine · 21/03/2023 19:07

I was there and 2 years on im finally free of the grieving.
Its like a loss... The loss of a future and you have every right to grieve it.
It gets better but takes time.

horseyhorsey17 · 24/03/2023 15:09

OK thank you, this is good to know. I suppose you can't put a time limit on it, but I thought I'd be feeling better than I do after a year. I guess I'd better get used to feeling like this for a while then!

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