I’ve called time on a 23 year relationship

[ItsCalledAConversation]

I am in pieces.

A very long time ago, when I was very young, I met a wonderful man who I fell deeply in love with. We were inseparable and we were all each other had and needed (unhappy family backgrounds). We had decades of good times, adventure, careers, kids. He was always a bit moody and could be verbally very tough at times but I always felt safe and loved. He would raise a relationship issue that made him “unhappy” (emotionally/verbally abusive), I would immediately apologise and do whatever I could to make him happy again, while denying my own emotions and needs, this dynamic worked for years.

I recently have had therapy to come to terms with my upbringing and it’s made me a stronger person. As a result I’ve been able to see that a lot of the issues he has with me aren’t my fault and his behaviour is way out of line. I have tried to talk to him but I haven’t always been able to express this calmly - I’ve had hormonal issues and a chronic autoimmune condition as well as ailing elderly parents (Alzheimer’s) and two kids to take care of. While he just gets on with his job (I don’t work any longer) and will moan about any issue he cares to name, from there not being the right fruit in the fruit bowl or milk in the fridge (very occasionally we run out of some item) or something bigger like he didn’t like what I said or the way I said something. This can turn into days of him ranting and sleeping. The cycle seems to be he complains and makes me feel worthless, I cry but then grief turns to anger and I scream and shout, then he calls me mad for screaming and shouting and the whole thing starts again. Our kids are beside themselves.

Over the past few months I’ve tried to address this but his behaviour towards me hasn’t improved and I’ve become very angry. My rage at how I’ve been treated and how I’ve wasted my life with him is threatening to control me, I feel utterly utterly betrayed and disrespected and desperate.

Finally this week after angrily threatening divorce a couple of times in arguments, I have made a solicitors appointment and told him I am done.

I keep sobbing. He’s now treating me like I’m insane and this is all my doing. I don’t know what to do or how to act. I don’t have close family to talk to. Friends are there but have their own lives. I don’t know how to articulate the depths of despair, I’ve been with this man since 16. Help.

Didn't want to read and not reply. It will get better. It sounds like your doing the right thing, finally, for yourself.
You sound very brave and you can get through this. I don't know you at all, but I'm so proud of you.

Thank you. I am so scared.

Oh you poor thing 💐💐💐

I know exactly what you are talking about and so many more here will too (sadly)

You've described the textbook definition of gaslighting & emotional abuse.

I experienced this too - the behaviour that would reduce me to tears, then lead to anger, allowing him to say I was crazy / insane.

Sadly the scars of this behaviour are very long-lasting but it is wonderful news that you have seen him for what he is, and are getting therapy.

When you start to change it is very destabilising & painful, even when it's the right thing to do. Please stay with it.

I wish I had wise words or could tell you it will all work out - in my case a decade on it's very very hard (3 young DC) but I have never doubted that I did the right thing.

How are you financially & practically, in terms of separation? What ages are your DC?

Also, friends and family typically won't get it. They just won't understand this kind of abuse.

It's really hard and very lonely but it's the case unfortunately.

Thank you @EarringsandLipstick

DCs are 7 and 10. They’re terrified of us splitting up but I think even they can see this isn’t a life.

Financially I’m absolutely screwed, I quit my well-paid full time job in 2019 because his career was doing brilliant and he/the kids needed my support to allow him to put his all into it. I have nothing, literally not 50p in my name, it’s all joint. I don’t have a pension and even my state pension contributions have gaps. Honestly I’d sell our house in a heartbeat and move somewhere smaller, I don’t care about that. He has said we will take half each, I don’t think he will fight over money or kids (or will I). But who knows what the future holds, he might decide to.

Yes friends and family will be flabbergasted, we really seem like the ideal couple and always have. My parents will be extremely judgemental and I will lose his mum and sisters, who I adore. I have worked very hard to maintain that fiction over the years, it was a survival method of mine to look perfect. At least I know that now.

Financially I’m absolutely screwed

I'm so sorry.

Please please prioritise getting good legal advice before moving ahead - it's great you've a solicitor's appointment set up.

Start now working out finances - can you go back to work, what are your childcare options, what's the house worth, where could you move to?

I say this because once he realises he can't emotionally abuse you, he'll use finances as a way to.

It will be tough. But it is better for your DC - I promise you. My DC have not had it easy since my separation but I still know it's a million times better than if I had stayed. And for you - living authentically & knowing who you are, is worth everything.

One step at a time.

What you are doing is really brave and deep down you know you are doing the right thing for you & the DC. Everyone is scared of the change which is coming. Your husband is as well which is why he is now treating you like you’re insane.

But it is not all your doing, he contributed to it, refused to meet you half way to change things to allow the relationship to grow. You are just dealing with it. neither of you sound happy in this relationship.

We only bought our house 1.5 years ago so I know the value, it may have gone up slightly but I’d rather be conservative. I have nowhere else to live, and I’m sure I could get a part time job but the money would be peanuts. Ideally he would move out while we sell but he has refused to leave several times now. He could work from anywhere - his mums house ideally - I have been asking him to go there periodically for the last 4 years, I don’t think he’ll suddenly go now.
I have no idea about this practical stuff.
The anger only carries me so far and then the grief is back. I loved him and sacrificed so much for him and tried so soo hard. I delivered babies for him. Literally blood sweat and tears. This relationship is my whole life. I can’t even find words to express how devastated I feel.

When you've been with someone since you're 16 they're all you've known and the thought of not being with them can be terrifying. But what you have described is not a normal, healthy relationship and is clearly damaging your children. It sounds like neither of you are happy and that you've made the right decision. I understand that it's very overwhelming and frightening right now so I would take it one step at a time and let your solicitor guide you through the practicalities. Do tell others in real life if you can so you have some emotional support for yourself to be better placed to look after your children and help them navigate this.

It will be tough but your children are already aware that mummy and daddy are shouting at each other. DH witnessed similar as a child but his parents didn't separate until he was 15 and he says he wished they'd done so earlier as witnessing them arguing so much was very damaging for him. You need to show your children that this is not what normal, loving relationships look like.

Going through divorce is a huge thing - but it does sound like you're doing the right thing for all of you.
It's very difficult (impossible) to think about the practicalities and financial implications whilst at the same time also struggling with to coming to terms with the emotional side of things.

Firstly - take care of yourself. It sounds like it's the first time you may have put yourself first and that can feel very alien. Ensure you do the basics - eat, sleep as well as you can but also try to take some time out - even if it's only a brief solo walk or an exercise class but you'll feel in a much better place to tackle what's coming.
Two - take advice from the solicitor - you say you husband is asking for 50/50 - be very wary before agreeing to this. It might feel easier to give in to his request but now is a time to think of your long time financial future and that of your kids. You will be entitled to some of his pension (especially as you've given up work to be sole carer). Decide what you want the kids arrangements to look liken - will they live with you most of the time - or will they be half time with their Dad? This will be the basis for working out how marital assets are divided. Start compiling a list of all the households assets (savings - pensions - antique furniture - cars - everything) and also any debts held by either of you. Your solicitor will ask for this kind of info.
Three - Take one day at a time. Getting a divorce takes time and not everything has to be decided in one go. Work out what you want to do in the imminent future (will you continue living together while divorce goes through?) Then consider what you want the childcare arrangements to be - and work from there.

Good Luck!! Many thousands of women have done this (including me) and you will get there - and when you are through this you will start to enjoy life again and you may be surprised what you accomplish in the future. xx

You are SO brave.

Others on here are offering good basic advice. Going out everyday will keep you in touch with reality whilst all around you seems to be collapsing. Just a short walk will help.

You will get through this and will finally be peaceful without the strain which surrounds you now.

Many of us have been where you are now and come out the other side. You will find “yourself” when up to now you’ve been wife, mother, housekeeper etc. Keep your goals clear in your head and go for it.
Feel the fear and do it anyway.
Well done that woman.

Thank you ladies. I have tears rolling down my face. How long it’s been since anyone told me “well done”. I am so tired.

Remember you are not mad.

You have more clarity of focus on your life right now than you have ever had.

You wouldn't have done this if you didn't absolutely have to because otherwise you would implode.

You will survive and you will thrive.

You will be grieving the relationship you should have had, but don't confuse this with regret, do cherish the positives the relationship brought such as children, and don't let those who question your new reality get under your skin.

You are wounded right now but be strong. You don't owe anyone an explanation. You have done the right thing for you.

I think you should be proud of yourself . Sticking up for yourself and thinking of your children. You will set them a great example of a strong lady you will become and you will be proud of that . It’s not going to be easy but the other option is to stay ! But when he doesn’t change and your 5 yrs down the line , you’ll be sooo angry at yourself for wasting another 5 year and putting your children through it . Hope you ok op x

These responses mean more to me today than you will know. Or maybe you do know. I can feel it. Thank you.

You've had great words of advice from PPs.

I'm going to tell you it is hard and - not trying to scare you - it may be hard, in some way, for a long time.

It's still better than losing yourself to a gaslighting bully

I agree about taking care of yourself - that's really hard to do but for me, I achieved it via my kids - they had to eat, so I had to cook & I ate too. They had to go to school and activities, so I had to get up & dressed. They need money to live so I worked.

I found a couple of things that are vital for me - in my case exercise, and counselling and I do these no matter what.

Try if you can to do one or two practical things each day. Don't yet worry about the house. Have your meeting with your solicitor and take it from there.

It's very hard when you don't have RL support (I don't). It brings a very particular loneliness.

You are doing the right thing. You are brave & strong. You will be ok.

Keep coming back here if it helps 💐

Hi @EarringsandLipstick back here I am. Thank you for your support and words of wisdom. I don’t know if anyone is watching this thread, but even if not I think it’s worth me coming back here and recoding how things are going.

He has not accepted this week at all what o have been saying - that changed today. I have remained calm and cool and explained our marriage is over and I want to divorce. I have me tried everything this week - calm explanation, shouting, crying, rage. He has tried every tactic today - justifying his actions because I have faults.

He told me to piss off and that I was no good for the children. Yet it is him who has packed a bag and gone. We have made an arrangement for him to have the children overnight on Saturday at the family home, I will go away for that (to a friend or family). That is as far along as I have got. I am seeing a solicitor tomorrow and will be gathering a “go bag” for me and the children and important documents etc.

Emotionally I feel numb, with occasional glimpses of grief/despair/horror. If anyone has any advice please, I need it.

thank you for reading this far, if you have. I feel truly alone for the first time in my life.