AIBU after husband had emotional affair?

[Bigredsky]

I am at a loss here as should be expected of my husband after his emotional affair.

We had our baby end of 2021 and our relationship went down hill pretty much after that. My husband started the downhill spiral by saying he feels I don’t care about him anymore now that we have our baby and I’m pushing him out.

Christmas came and he was not interested at all and barely made an effort and this lead on until February 2022 when we had an almighty fight where he slapped me and I retaliated by punching him a number of times and injured him. (Not something I’m proud of) We then sat down and talked things out and basically said never again would we let it get that far.

things were great for a couple of months but then arguments started happening again. We would both start them but I mainly started them as I felt he was really detached, uninterested and never wanted to be at home, so feeling rejected my natural response would be to start arguing about it rather than try and sit down and talk through it which of course never resolved anything.

He has a business with his brother which his wife also works as part of so her and my husband are in regular contact. I have always felt she was an untrustworthy person and there are rumours she has not been faithful to my BIL but nothing has ever been confirmed. Fast forward to July I notice that her and my husband are constantly texting, and the messages are quite flirty. I bring this up to my husband and he hits the roof saying I am blowing it out of proportion and he’s known her for 15 years and it’s just a laugh between two people who have known each other years and besides it’s his brothers wife, as if anything’s going to happen between them.
We also met up at the weekend a few times with my BIL and his wife to go out for drinks/meals etc and I notice whenever my BIL is not around they were always giving each other the eye, making flirty comments and being a bit too touchy feely.
again, I bring this up to hubby which results in more arguing and to be told not just he but everyone else who he’s spoken to about these arguments are saying I’m overreacting about it and making it all up in my head.

This goes on for another month and finally I orchestrated a situation whereby I managed to listen in to a phone conversation between the two of them. I not only found out that every last inch of my personal life was being spilled out to this woman, our arguments, sex life the fact he’s ready to leave me but that something had, in fact happened between them, but specifically what, was not discussed. The words were “She doesn’t know what’s happened between us so who is she to accuse us of anything?” On top of that BILs wife was also sharing intricate details of their sex life, how he can’t satisfy her and how unhappy they both are with me and BIL and how happy they make each other.
He also told her about another woman he kissed on his Birthday in March earlier that year.

When he gets home I confront him about it and say you better tell me everything now or it’s over. The look of realisation that came over him was astounding and he went totally white.
He told me that they had kissed one night but nothing else had happened. It happened once and nothing else physical had happened. He said they were talking inappropriately and they were having an emotional affair because he didn’t feel wanted by me and she was miserable with his brother. He couldn’t apologise enough, begged me not to leave him said he loved me over and over again and said he’d been secretly battling quite severe depression and was even contemplating suicide at one point. He said when he kissed the woman on his birthday he drank and took that many drugs he thought it was going to kill him and he honestly didn’t care as he didn’t want to be on this earth anymore, he felt like he had a complete mental breakdown and talking with her like this gave him some sort of release and he felt wanted by someone.

He begged me not to tell his brother and I agreed so as not to end a family business and a relationship between two brothers. I reluctantly agreed but felt angry and BILs wife has taken such a cocky attitude about this as she’s been completely left off the hook. I did confront her as well and threatened her with telling her husband if she so much as looks at me the wrong way. I got a far from genuine apology and left it at that.

Fast forward to February of this year and we find out his dad has got Leukemia. Both my husband and BIL have not taken this well at all as you can imagine and are both struggling.
I then find out that my husband has started talking to the SIL again and whilst at work, will go and grab a drink or breakfast together, something I’m quite uncomfortable with but my husband has assured me he has not spoken to her about anything other than work and general life ever since and would never do again.

In addition to this they video call each other a few times a week which my husband has tried to hide by deleting the calls but I have found out. I haven’t mentioned this to him yet as I could look at it like he’s trying to either cover his ass or protect me from being hurt about it and avoid an argument.

I’lol be honest and say things have not been the best between us since I found out last year and although we are both trying there have been a few arguments since to which I am probably to blame.

When we see BIL and her, she constantly gives him flirtatious looks, he doesn’t do it back but it’s making me paranoid.

I know he’s struggling at the moment with his Dad having cancer and I’m worried about his mental health. I am however really uncomfortable with the fact they are video calling and feel upset that he turns to her as a way of release even if their conversations are not of a sexual nature.

I know if I bring this up to him he will argue til the cows come home that a general chat to her is not doing anything wrong and I’m being unreasonable.
We have had a couple of arguments since finding out that his dad has had cancer because I feel like he is detaching himself again and no matter what he still needs to be there for our baby but he just says he wants to be left alone to cope with it in his own way and me pulling him up on being withdrawn doesn’t make him feel supported at all.

What’s everyone’s thoughts?

End this relationship. It sounds like an absolute disaster all round.

An emotional affair is an affair that has not yet become physical. This has become physical so it’s a typical affair. You might not realise but it’s very common for them to pull the depressed card. It’s simply manipulation.

I would just divorce op. He's still involved with her and you’re now involved in keeping secrets from your Bil. I’d get rid.

You’re both physically violent. Just end it for the sake of your child. The affair stuff is a shitty side note to a deeply fucked up unhealthy relationship that’s doing no one any favours.

The casual way you refer to starting fights, him slapping you, you repeatedly punching him, is horrifying.

To be honest, I’d tell the brother. He is being a wanker to both of you.

£300 says they have slept together and lying about that too.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It must be soul destroying. Him talking to her like this is such a betrayal.

Make a plan. See a solicitor about your legal rights.

Then, stop protecting the pair of them and tell your BIL. Show him evidence or journal things chronologically, about what’s been happening.

Stop putting up with this nonsense & then get the hell out of this mess.
Your husband can reap what he sows.

Toxic and abusive. Just the pair of you.
End this vile relationship.

Haha, my thoughts?

That you're an absolute mug if you think this violent, lying, cheating druggie hasn't shagged his brothers wife at every single opportunity.

Get a fucking grip and protect your kid. Tell the brother on your way out too.

She’s violent too

This 💯

He is a lying, cheating druggie, who is gaslighting the life out of you and bringing out the worst in you. You know your marriage will end. Either you let him end it or you do it. And ignore all his threats about suicide. He doesn't mean a word of that.

End the relationship and tell the BIL.

My, now ex, dh has an emotional affair and it tore through me like nothing before, it doesn't have to be physical to hurt. He is plowing in all his emotional energy to someone else, when he could be using it to mend his family.

Even before the EA, it sounds like you have issues, but these issue will never be resolved whilst his head is turned

As for the BIL, he begged you not to tell him, that's because these affairs require secrecy, and he doesn't want the world to know what a shit he is.

Tbh I'd meet with BIL, lay the cards on the table and then leave your dh for a happier, calmer life

This 💯

Oh and by the way, my ex also said all he'd done is kiss, I found out later, they'd actually had sex several times, but he told me it was a kiss because I couldn't prove otherwise and that he admitted to a kiss so he didn't have to admit it was sexual

I'd lay money in the fact they have had sex

Hi Bigredsky,

I read your post as I thought I might be in the same position as you. However your situation is much worse.

I am so sorry you are going through this on your own and with a baby too to look after it must be very lonely for you. It's good that you thought of mumsnet to turn too. We're all here to provide support.

Personally, I think your husband is loving the fact that he can flirt with his brothers wife and have you too. It is a safe way for him to have an affair.

He doesn't seem to be providing any emotional support to you or want to properly end it so I think he is happy with the arrangement and probably expects you to continue to accept it. Then life will go on as normal.

I think the comments about depression and suicidal thoughts are partly to get your attention as this is all about him. He may be feeling depressed but that could just be because he is not living an honest life or being honest with himself or you. Life changes when you bring a baby into your family, it has too. He needs to grow up and be a father.

If you want to continue living with this person you will both need to agree that he doesn't contact your SIL. He should not be hiding the fact that he is calling her from you. If he is genuine about wanting to make things work with you and the baby then he will agree to this. He needs to keep contact with her to work only as he should want to do. Anything else and he's just continuing the affair.

Yes he is dealing with his dad's illness but that isn't an excuse for his behaviour. He's not the ill one. If anything he should be closer to you now as he needs emotional support. He should not be getting this support from his SIL.

Personally if my partner did this I would take his phone and forward all the messages to my phone so I have a record and take photos of the call list. Then I would contact a solicitor.

I hope this works out for you and your baby.

I wouldn’t keep their secret. My dh had a emotional affair lied continually. Said he had ended it. He hadn’t. I had enough. No longer together. I Lost trust completely.
If he cared he wouldn’t be communicating with her.
He sounds like an attention seeker. Your busy with a baby he needs attention else where.

You all sound as bad as each other in this situation - you need to leave and work towards a better future for your kid.

I'd leave him and tell the bil too.
They're both cheats, bil deserves to know, bollocks to breaking up the family / business, they're the ones that have risked that.
By keeping quiet you're complicit in their affair, I'd blow it wide open and bugger the consequences.
Even more so with the way sil is treating you.

End this total toxic shitshow. He’s lying, he had an actual affair, now he’s trying to carry it on, it’s incestuous-by-proxy as it’s his brother’s wife, he slapped you, you hit him back, you’re insecure, angry, understandably resentful and you have a one-year-old child.

It is fucked. Leave, take your kid, tell your BIL the truth, and leave them all to burn.

You're both violent and as bad as each other. Leave him so he can shag her and find a healthy relationship.

I would lay money they've shagged too. Sorry OP.

Anyway, the fact they have kissed, he's continued to lie to you, the secret video chats etc

It's unfortunate that house dad is ill but that's a separate issue to the way he's behaved in your marriage. And the depression card - they all day that, don't be suckered in.

It should be over now OP. And tell BIL on your way out, he deserves to know.

He's making an absolute fool out of you.

You need to leave him. Not only has he done this in the first place, he then gaslight you when you found out. He then begged for another chance but has jumped right back into behaving like this.

Add to this mess that this is his own brothers wife, and that their dad is battling cancer and this is a whole shitshow.

The best place for you is far far away from all of this.

You have to leave him, surely. He cheats, he lies, he's no loyalty to you or his brother. He's cocky, thinks you're stupid or will put up with any rubbish.

You don't owe him a scrap of loyalty.

I would - see a solicitor, get myself organised, then tell the BIL (not giving any warning to your husband or SIL that you're going to do it, don't give them time to prepare an excuse) along with some evidence so he knows what's been happening.

Oh love, I think you know this needs to end. It's breaking you and neither of you are happy, and that can't be good for your LO either. Not least because it's already become physically violent. You need to get out.

Someone who is capable of shagging his brother's wife is the lowest of the low.

This man will drive you to the edge of insanity, get out before you lose further control of your reactions.

He will keep dragging you down.

She doesn’t know what’s happened between us…

@Bigredsky, your H was referring to much more than a kiss. Cheaters are liars, and he has absolutely downplayed the extent of their physical involvement. And of course his emotional betrayal is beyond the pale, as he has shared with OW every detail of your marriage, sexual and otherwise.

His disloyalty to his brother is appalling.

You’ve clearly been in a false reconciliation. Their affair never ended, and H is still investing in their intimacy and making a fool of you.

The adulterer doesn’t get to decide what you need to heal. Any reputable relationship counselor will tell you that affair recovery requires NC or very low work contact. 1:1 alone time having drinks, breakfasts, and secret video calls are a violation. Although you’ve expressed discomfort, this cheat still feels entitled to ride roughshod over your feelings/boundaries to pursue gratification from OW. Depression does not give him a license to shit on you from a great height and manipulate you to accommodate his infidelity.

The elements of this cesspool are quite disturbing: violence, adultery, lies, drugs and alcohol, manipulation, near-incest, sibling cuckoldry, and destabilization of the family business. The main victim here is your innocent child, who will be deeply damaged from exposure to this toxicity.

@Bigredsky, protect your baby and yourself by walking away. Absolutely inform BIL about their affair. Restore his agency. His consent and choices have been stolen, so he deserves to know the truth….just as you did. Both of you need to have STI tests.