This is a very long story. I’m going to try to make it as short as I can. At the time he was 25 and I was 23 - his first relationship.
Basically, started dating him in 2019. I was unhealed from a past relationship so I came at him pretty hard in the start of us about his lengthy past of women, and I was insecure. I can admit that I was toxic Forsure with the questions and anger etc. I can admit that. I was mentally not there. Off my meds. Going through bad depression. But this is when I started seeing his anger. We would get into arguments and I’d say something and he’d start smashing and breaking
my stuff then he would cry when I’d say get out.
Anyways- I changed how I was and was back to my normal self back on my medication… A few months later. I found that he had message a girl on Snapchat that he had prior hooked up with. He said he only msg her once for “ attention “ when we were in a bad place. I told him this is cheating to me. Next: He ended up getting drunk another night and calling a bunch of random girls. So - obviously he hurt me and my trust was extremely damaged. He would blame the anger he had towards me for how I treated him those months I wasn’t doing good… he said I would put him down and made him feel like nothing. he said multiple times that I made him have a fear of me and a fear of being honest with me. It was just a cycle. At this point. There was no physical cheating… there had been multiple lies always and he would stick to the stories when I knew he was lying. For example : he had his phone on do not disturb. And I knew it was on purpose. He repeatedly for hours would tell me it was a accident that he clicked the DND moon thing and I overthink
etc. I’d cry whenever he’d lie because lying hurts me the most. It makes me have doubt and think there’s more… he also would go out every weekend to bars with his boys , never would tell me where he’s going then the entire night he’d just ignore me because I would ruin his night and ask questions… all his friends would always say I was “ crazy” because I’d be spam messaging my bf when he was out because he literally would ignore me… okay now- Fast forward to January 2022. My dad passed away suddenly. And my world was crushed. Like crushed. Him & my dad were actually very close. He had lied about something two weeks prior to my dads passing so I was still so upset with him and the obviously a mess over loosing my father. So I pushed him away and whenever I would see him- I’d cry and breakdown or question him because he was sketchy with his phone and I had a gut feeling and because he was going out still etc. whenever I’d say things like my dad dies and you go to the bar? He’d say well I offer to see you but you push me away. So I felt it was my fault. Anyways, trying to make this as short as I can. We weren’t In A good place. We were fighting a lot and he would insult me when we would argue and he had so much anger towards me from the past.. hed also always get mad and say I should trust him blah blah. May 2022 - I had a gut feeling he was with this girl that he used to be friends with and I knew about. They have hooked up in the past before me and I really didn’t want him hanging out with her because of their past. So he told me he had cut her off months before… I walk into this bar and he’s kissing this girl. It broke my literal heart. He came outside and he told a whole story how I was right she wanted him and I was right that she’s insane and he swears he ran into her at the bar and she came onto him and he made a drunk mistake etc…. I ended it. He then started msging me saying nothing was going on between them. She was still blocke and “ he ran into her”. I ended up reaching out to her and she told me they had been seeing eachother since April… that they hung out as friends in august months prior but then in April they kissed and started going on dates… and he told her we broke up and I’m his insane ex.
He denied it to me and I blocked him and didn’t speak to him all of June July august. I tried to move on and heal. It destroyed me, the one girl he knew would hurt me. Basically fast forward. September he shows up at my place. Crying. Loosing his mind. Emailing me essays. Telling me he’ll do anything. He started therapy and he admitted all the issues he had about partying and not communicating and how wrong he was and he wasn’t himself and lost himself with all the arguing etc and lost sight of what he had and he basically was going off how he cannot live without me. Fast forward. He’s been saying this now for months. He’s still emailing me everyday trying to fight for me. He hasn’t went to a bar since he came back. He says he’s in therapy and etc. but I did catch him in a lie about what he did this summer when he was single. It’s been a cycle. I have only seen him twice to talk. He begs to see me daily but I just can’t deal with it yet. There’s so many things that I’m unsure of or I feel I won’t ever know 100%…. He says he takes full responsibility and I was the best thing and did everything for him. And my dad did too… he basically keeps saying how much he’s changed and trying to show me by not dating anyone and when he tried to this summer he would think of me and couldn’t take it anymore. He’s saying he’s waiting for me and won’t give up etc. he never got me gifts or anything when together. Now he’s leaving gifts and stuff outside my door and trying to ask me to go on trips w him. He’s doing the stuff I always wanted and tried to get from him for years. I’m completely stuck what to do. I don’t even know how I feel. Part of me feels like I’m blind that he’s a good guy who made bad mistakes and no one will ever fight for me or care for me as much as he does. The other part of me is like I don’t even want to still love him cuz i feel like I know it’s best to start fresh w someone else someday. But I don’t want any regrets or I don’t want him to be with someone else and it’s too late. I’m just completely lost at this point. It keeps me up at night. Certain things I blame myself if I pushed him and any guy would be pushed to that point - but There’s so many things he’s done. I’m so lost. I hate that I literally went through hell and basically taught him so much at the expense of my health but now he’s better and “ changed” for someone else.. how is that fair. The one thing I will say- even in emails when he’s angry he’ll use capitals and say “ stfu” or “ awww”
But then when he’s calm he’s so different and sounds changed and mature.
Please help me. I’ve never been so lost in my life. Truly haven’t. Is this my fault? Is he going to be this amazing guy he’s showing me now to someone else? He's obsessed with me in every way like physically mentally. He only wants to " get off" to me. Which is something important to me. Idk if I'll ever find this with anyone else??? :/ is this a rare connection
Oh also to add - his friends & family we’re not nice to me at all. I guess cuz of they thought were toxic and I’m insane… just a lot I felt really alone and shitty about myself.