Loneliness

[Breakingpoint1961]

I met a friend last night, we've known each other for 40 years. She has been married for 23 years, two adult children. I have had failed relationships, whilst she has built up a life with her husband.

We have had long periods of not being in touch, probably down to me and the men in my life, which I have done with other friendships. Those people have also gone on to build lives, and I have no 'life'. I have a few friends, but it's not the same as what my friend has.

I have a partner now, but I don't have that group of friends, that 'life' accrued from a lifetime together, it makes me feel worthless and alone, why haven't I gathered those networks over the years, it makes me think I mustn't be a very nice person. It is bringing me down, I am feeling very low indeed.

I don't know what I want from this thread, maybe just to know there are others like this.

I have a partner but unfortunately I don't have a massive gang of pals either.
My husband moved up here to be with me 10 years ago and only has one friend he sees infrequently.
I've had friends come and go, more go than come of late so I probably only have around 2 decent long term mates and a few more casual friends.

I recommend to join a group with a common interest, one that goes to the pub afterwards preferably ( even if you don't drink, it's great for socialising). I know that's a cliche but it has helped me.

I doubt you would have such a long standing friend if you were not a nice person. It sounds like you have let friendships fall by the wayside and placed relationships above them.

When you have the opportunity to develop new friendships, don’t make that mistake again. If a relationship is good and healthy then there will always be time for friends

It sounds like you dropped friends when you were in a relationship and your friends simply moved on. Not sure what you expected them to do!

@BluebellBlueballs yes I have joined some groups, but they do take time to flourish..

@Lurkingandlearning looking back I think I have placed some friendships over relationships, I didn't feel I was doing that at the time, I was just nurturing a romantic relationship. I certainly don't do that now, I am trying to carve a future for myself.

@tuvamoodyson I didn't expect them to do anything, I've never put pressure on any of my friendships, it works both ways I think. I have long standing friends, but it's not a big mutual friends group type of thing, that's what I'm talking about here.

I don't think all married people have big groups of mutual friends. Many have individual friends that they mix with separately.

Also many marriages are unhappy and people divorce and lose the mutual friends they have made.

My friends are all individual ones and I work really hard at keeping them. I also do my best to make new friends at activities I go to. I do things like ask people every week if they fancy going for coffee (only if I feel we have an affinity - I don't hound people!). I find most people appreciate someone making the effort to organise things.

The loneliest I've been has been in my relationship.

It sounds to me like you could benefit from really valuing and putting effort into your existing friendships and opening your mind to future ones.

@Barbecuebeans I have had intense friendships over the years, I'm (too) easygoing and have been taken advantage of many times, I think the friends have chosen me rather than I them. Getting some responses here, is making me look back and think that maybe it was I that has subconsciously created this situation, but it's making me think and that was the purpose of the thread.

My friends are individual too, I have some longstanding ones, all in differing situations, but I do make time for them, though I will now focus a bit more. It is very hard working FT/relationship/grandchild/running a home..especially when you're old and knackered!!

I know how you feel, OP. I think it's very hard as you get older, and you see through people more.