Should I ask about ex?

[newdatequestion]

Been dating someone a few months. It’s got promise however I feel a bit stuck.

Here’s the thing: new partner dated someone for a couple of months before me - had no problem with that until I joined the dots from a collection of throwaway comments that:

1. whilst we spent similar period just going on dates, they escalated things more quickly - one date and they were pretty much co-habiting, with partner even homeworking from theirs.
2. Partner was dumped only fortnight - if not less - before we went on our first date.

I’ve often read here that it’s best not to ask about exes and just focus on the fact that your partner is with you here, now and not them. But given the above the thought’s occurred I might be a rebound. I have tried to discuss it, but got dismissed with a curt “you don’t need to worry”, that they didn’t even feel anything about being dumped and that was that.

I feel stuck between asking for clarification about what was going on with this ex - I can’t reconcile cohabiting with someone for two months and them finishing with you and you shrugging and feeling nothing. It either feels a red flag or they’re in denial. But I also feel I shouldn’t go there, because accepted wisdom is you don’t ask about exes.

Does anyone have any advice?

You could ask "how long were you single between relationships?" That's not asking about the ex as such, but on how much time has passed between relationships.

I hate it when you can’t discuss ex relationships. Why not? The guy I’m currently seeing and I always discuss our exes. Isn’t that part of getting to know someone? My ex partner though hated discussing exes, I never did know how many partners he had before me, if any were serious etc. I find that odd. Guy I’m seeing now asked me on first date about ex’s, it was refreshing

I would be a bit careful about what you wish for... generally I find men in relationships a bit cadgey about ex's and they will tell you a bit more over time, hence the "throw away" comments that you mention. My bf had been single for 6 weeks and told me when I first met him, except I miss heard and thought he said 6 months....he had lived with her for 3 months after dating for 3 months. We are dating seeing each other 2 nights a week after 8 months It's easy to compare relationships but it isn't healthy to do so. Your bf might have felt he was rushing into things with his ex and prefers the way you're developing. Basically his last road map wasn't one that made a successful relationship. I would ask questions as they arise but I would have a big sit down conversation about it, he might not feel ready to tell you everything at once...

It's not 'best not to focus on exes' if what's bothering you is something about an ex.

It's not that you 'shouldn't' talk about exes, because there are no 'should's.

If you need to talk about something in your relationship, and your partner dismisses your feelings, that's not good.

What rules do you think you're meant to be living by? The rules of 'Accepted wisdom'? Live by the rules of 'Does this make me happy?' instead, and you'll be... happy.

Am sorry, a crucial typo..I meant to say "I would not have a big sit down conversation"

OP - do you tend to overanalyse things?

You barely know the guy. It’s a new relationship - you should be in the happy, giddy phase of getting to know each other.

His previous ‘relationship’ only lasted a few months. It’s completely irrelevant and not a threat to you. Unless he has a habit of short relationships and swift moving ons - it doesn’t matter.
Don’t spoil what you have.

Who knows why that ‘relationship’ went the way it went. Clearly they had some flash of chemistry - acted on it, and after a few weeks it sizzled out. Not the first Pepe it happened to. Not a flag of any kind.

I love this no messing reply. There's some of us that over analyse everything and I am one too ..

@MMmomDD Thanks and I do think there’s some truth in what you’re saying. However, I feel my issue is less to do with any retrospective jealousy and more what it might say about the person I’m with.

Clearly they had some flash of chemistry - acted on it, and after a few weeks it fizzled out

True, however I’m not someone who could do that - go from one date to living in each other’s pockets to being dumped and having no feelings about it and dating someone else (me) a few days later. To me, it sounds like you’re emotionally going from 0 to 100mph and back again in the space of a couple of months. It feels like an emotional bungee jump and far too intense behaviour. So it’s this that’s bothering me.

What is it though you are wanting him to say about his ex ? You want to talk about it but to what end?

Sounds to me like he moved in with some far too quick, realised he'd fucked up, and probably bit embarrassed by it all and is trying to learn from his mistakes.

It might be that he wasn't emotionally attached or is able to emotionally detach. He can join the queue of emotionally detached men...

@newdatequestion

You do realise people are different. And projecting how you feel on others is pointless.
You are making far too much out of all this.
How old are you both?

I think in your mind you have created some sort of massive love story he had. And with some insecurities on your side - your mind is making up things to scare you - and to confirm your insecurities.

It wasn’t a love story. It wasn’t even a relationship. It was a few weeks of people having sex and spending time together. Then going their own ways. Emotional attachments take a longer to form.

Your relationship developed along a more normal pattern. From getting to know each other to the next phase. It has a lot more potential to grow into an actual longer term relationship.

Unless you let your insecurities damage it. If you are going to continuously be on the look out for red flags - you will find something. It’s not difficult to see and imagine things, if you expect the worst.

Well, exactly. I had a previous experience of being in a relationship with someone who turned out to be emotionally detached. It isn’t an experience I want to repeat (probably why this is niggling me).