Childcare from the Dad

[Meesechelt]

I am in an argument with husband regarding that I don’t think It is childcare if he’s looking after our children because they are his also . He is very angry at me for wanting an hour with just the smallest . I don’t ever leave all children because I know it would mean the children suffer from short fuse . Yet he is correct if I leave him he would have a choice of days but surely it shouldn’t be about his choice . He’s so angry right now at everything I don’t know what is reasonable . I’ve just lost my Dad and I’m so sensitive because of that but is it right that I should think he should just see looking after his children as normal not baby sitting?

It's not childcare. It's parenting.

I’m not sure it’s either, it’s absolutely not childcare as they are his children, but you can’t leave him with all of them because he’s too short tempered so he doesn’t sound like a decent parent either. Sounds like a mess.

You’re right I don’t want to leave them with him ever . I only ever leave with the eldest amongst the younger but it’s not fair on anyone involved and it’s my fault because I don’t know how to stop this

Leave and take the children with you. It doesn’t sound like he’s really going to go for custody.

If he's such an angry man, it sounds like you and the children might find life altogether easier and nicer without him.

No, you wouldn't have his "help" with childcare, such as it is, but you'd have a calm household and probably less need for it.

I can’t leave I have absolutely no way of seeing that through

Why?

I have no grounds to take the children from him. If I leave it would mean he may just want access out of spite and then it’s out of my control .
I have no funds of my own because I give all mine to him in that I pay for it all and he gives what he decides each week.

You don't need to have 'grounds' to leave him, but in fact you do have very clear grounds.

He is abusing you. This is a bad environment for your children. You are married, so any money / property you both have is jointly owned. He will still have a finanicial responsibility to his children when you leave. You would likely be better off financially, and certainly emotionally.

The fact that your DH is incapable of looking after his own children, and thinks he's doing you a favour by looking after one of them is shocking, aside from the financial abuse and total lack of respect for you.

Well what a shit excuse for a father he is. Why have kids if you don’t want to parent them? That’s not your fault at all, women aren’t responsible for shit fathers.

You need to leave him though OP, and you need to stop telling yourself you can’t, because actually, what you can’t do is sacrifice your life to this man and raise your children in such a toxic environment.

Why are you giving him all of your money? What would happen if you stopped?

What would happen if you suggested having your money paid to your own bank account and you each put half of what you earn into a joint account that you can both access.

So you're actually being financially abused as well.

Thing is, you're not really protecting your dc by staying- they're exposed to this abusive environment 24/7/365. If you split at least you'd be able to give your dc an emotionally safe home some of the time, and you'd be showing them living like this isn't normal or acceptable.

And given he sees them as a nuisance, the chances are fairly good that the inconvenience of looking after them would outweigh the spite, or certainly after a while. (Particularly if he thought you having them more would impede you moving on romantically, if you try some reverse psychology later on).

Speak to Women's Aid or local domestic abuse services. You don't have to do anything right now, but it's always good to know your options.

Screw the label.

If you left them home alone with him, they wouldn't be safe.

Deal with that.