I'm bloody struggling

[Weeviking]

Relationship ended in January, started with the script, found out he was sleeping with someone 12 years younger etc etc etc. The usual really, but he initiated sex the night before ending it and that was the biggest blow for me (yes I have posted about this).

But I'm bloody struggling. It's been 9 weeks and I just cannot stop myself wanting him back.

How the fuck do I get through this?

Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You amzn.eu/d/8peNUB0

I am finding this book really helpful, especially the relationship inventory. It's making me see that what I thought while I was in the relationship is not actually the case.

@curlychocs thank you, ordered 😊

I’m so sorry
do you have kids together ?

@Thisisworsethananticpated no kids thankfully, they were in the plans but we never got that far.

I go between anger at him and pity towards him as I know he will realise what he has lost but it is too late. I know I say I want him back but I couldn't actually have him back.

Weeviking

in that case I’d say your only option is to go brutally and totally no contact

eliminate all access to him
WhatsApp social media the works
block him

and grieve him but don’t have any way to stalk him

and do what all the advice is / keep as busy as you can but also allow yourself to be sad

you tube will have so many helpful videos

But disappear and really look after yourself
whatever self care you have - double it

it’s really bloody hard x

@Thisisworsethananticpated I have done so already, I just wondered if anyone had any miracle solutions haha.

He asked a week ago if I would consider taking him back and I said I would need to think but I suspect he was seen at my property that evening (nothing happened I will be clear on that) by the younger model and his attitude has turned opposite now. A number of people have suggested she may now be faking a pregnancy. There were accusations thrown my way which he believed without question so all loyalty and goodwill has now gone from my side.

I see so many extremely harsh messages on these threads so I'm going to be really clear that this response is intended with care and tough-ish love. I haven't seen your original thread so I might be repeating something others have said.

The miracle solution here is to find your self-esteem. Why do you want him back? Why don't you think you deserve better?

Stop spending time languishing in this soap opera drama bullshit. Stop empathising with him and assuming what he might think and feel and focus on what you are thinking and feeling.

He clearly fills some need in you for you to want him back with all this disrepectful behaviour. If you figure out what that is and start giving it to yourself the clouds will lift and you will see his behaviour for what it is.

When I went through something similar the main 'need' my ex was fulfilling was that he made me feel like his top priority, when I felt no one else in my life had. (problem was he was making every other woman who would give him the time of day feel like that when I wasn't around). Do you think drama and love are the same thing? How would you fair in a healthy relationship that didn't necessitate someone picking you over someone else?

Find your anger, find your self respect and back off from this drama. Focus on you and why you are even considering wanting to be with this poor excuse for a man.

Pain isn't love. It's pain.

@NoKids2 I guess I was just a bit blindsided by the whole thing and struggling to understand why he would leave so much behind for someone who has no life experience and is almost a completely different generation. Bizarre.

I was absolutely devastated by my divorce. I slipped into a depression - I couldn't find any joy and was filled with anxiety. I ended up on medication for a short period and it worked. When my mother recently died I honestly didn't feel as sad as my divorce - I actually felt people were more supportive. If you need help then get it, you might need some counselling, medication. Because relationship breakdown is so common place it's easy to think that you should just get over it, but it's just not like that.

Weeviking

break ups are hard
with my ex dp it was visceral and brutal

but a broken heart 💔 is another thing all together (I split with someone totally unsuitable but I totally fell for him )

you are not alone
but getting through this will be a project

id invest in a decent therapist to help process
it’s also really helped me that 2-3 friends have been through similar and we text ALOT
you need people to talk to
and I watched a lot of podcasts and YouTube videos to help me realise I’m NOT the first and not the last

but critically , you need to start to wean yourself off someone who hurt you so bad
even IF he came back yours never forgive him
I know you want him , of course
but actually it’s dead now whatever way you slice and dice it

hang on in there 💔

Do not focus on her. She could be anyone. Don't continue to torture yourself by mooning over who she is. Break ups are just awful. Infidelity is brutal. You won't just suddenly be ok and over it in a week but you do have to be pretty strict with yourself and not allow the wallowing to overwhelm you. Yes you feel dreadful but it is just a feeling and it will pass, even if it's just for 10 minutes at a time whilst you're busy with something else. Letting go is hard but let go you must. Don't be tempted to give him a 2nd chance. Your self esteem and self respect will take a battering. I obviously don't know him but I can tell you, he's just not worth it.

Thank you all.

I did invest in some therapy and am continuing in doing so but I have had a lightbulb moment.

My therapist asked why I was blaming the other woman because he had made choices too.

I have now realised he had narcissistic tendancies and was actually abusing me sexually. The asking if I would get back together was likely to see if he still had control.

I am feeling so much better because I can make sense of why I am where I am. I always knew it wasn't my fault but now I know he is a bad person and he won't change for anyone and can see that although I have had a horrific 3 months, him ending things is genuinely the best thing that could have happened. I feel so empowered.

You just need to live your life without focusing on him. This isn't love, he's shown you that. A lot of men are just not capable of loving committed relationships and it's so sad how many women cannot see or accept this fact and waste so much time and energy on them. Put your focus back on yourself l can guarantee he won't be thinking the same thoughts about you, he has a totally different agenda.

@Weeviking

That's such a positive update.

I'm in a similar position and it's crazy to think these blokes are really absolute wankers, yet we can't help but think we may want them back.

I think we morn for the relationship we had, that may have been good at one time. It's hard to let go and realise the person you thought you knew, is actually a shitbag. Maybe it's because we don't want to think it's a reflection on our choice of partner?

Good to hear you realise it was absolutely the right thing for you in the end though 🙂

@catcatinthehatonthemat it is bloody awful and I hope you are getting there with it all.

I think it's partly that, partly because there were good times too and partly being scared to start afresh with someone new. And probably many more factors as well.

My ex wasn't what you would automatically consider as abusive but when you look at it after taking a step back there are definitely things he did that were. I genuinely wouldn't have him back now but I would have taken him back for three months which is quite ridiculous.

I believed he was having some sort of midlife crisis or mental health issues and was very light on him, however I have recently given him some home truths before blocking him. It was so freeing.

I'm sure there is a long road ahead with regards to recovery but I am so pleased with the progress I have made over the last few days, and anyone else going through similar please take some comfort that it does get better even though you may think it won't. Please stick in there!

God yeah, thinking about starting again with someone new is horrible, reading the OLD stories on here makes me wonder whether I can bear getting out there again. I've not been on a date for 22 years 😂

A lot of your story resonates with me, hints of abuse but nothing overtly obvious (sulking/coercion/manipulation), definite midlife crisis/mh issues meaning I let him get away with so much that I wouldn't usually tolerate.

Things do get better, I know I won't get sucked back in again and there's a whole other life out there waiting (hopefully)!

@catcatinthehatonthemat I met him through OLD and absolutely won't be going there again. It has scarred me but I know there are people who have found healthy and happy relationships through it.

Yes sulking/coercion/manipulation were exactly what I got as well. I mean what well rounded grown man sulks when he (infrequently) doesn't get sex?! 99% of the time I was up for it on the regular and that 1% of the time was very rare. But when you sulk and won't get intimate with me until I give you oral then yes it does put me off and I will go to bed and hope you don't come anywhere near me. Sorry, didn't mean to go on a rant there!

We are better out of it and I do genuinely believe that now. I didn't until very recently though and was pining for him. Realisation that it was abuse however, was enough for me to break that trauma bond though I think. Regardless, I am continuing with therapy for now. Have you had any professional help or are you braving it with support from your family and friends?

Haha rant away! Oh yeah sex... I got told I ruined his confidence by not being in the mood for sex once. Yup once. That then put him off from ever wanting to initiate it again. I ruined the bond between us because of that one incident.

What a delight.

I had a short course of counselling last year as we'd split up once before. I don't think I found it particularly useful at the time, mostly because I didn't know what I wanted from it I think.

This time I'm just relying on support from family and friends (and Mumsnet!), they're being great at telling me he's an arse and didn't deserve me.

I'm glad counselling is working out well for you. I know I'll get past this, I just need to moan and grumble and get reminders it's not about me. It's definitely him 😂

Currently your brain is wired into him and will be for a long time but it will change. It's not a straight line of progress and it's backwards and forwards but you will get there. It's completely normal!