How special do they need to be before moving from friendship to something else

[AbstractFlower]

I'm tying myself in knots with this

Friend of a decade plus. Much of that time we were both married/in a relationship and we were friends, not even particularly close friends.

About 2 years ago we both became single at the same time. One in very sad circumstances the other "escaping" from a relationship where the other had very poor MH which manifested as a need for control.

So we were both single, plenty of time on our hands but neither in any rush to start anything new (with anyone). We've spent a lot of time together, both just the two of us and with others . To begin with it was just convienent, we were both the person most likely to be free, but we've become good friends. Mostly we are just friendly, but when we've had a drink there is definitely a frisson/flirtation.

He's a good and reliable friend. The person I'd call first if I was stuck with a broken down car or had a last minute ticket anywhere. We're comfortable together and have some interests in common He's always been a perfect gentleman, except very briefly once when we'd both had a lot to drink. I look forward to a night out with him, but probably not more than with other good friends.

I think we're both scared to risk the friendship for the sake of something that might come to nothing, but otoh, there is "something".

And if I do decide to do something, what?!

We're going out to a sporting thing on Saturday. Just the two of us, no drink!

Both 50s with adult DC if that makes a difference. I think maybe it does. There's this feeling that life is short...

Is there chemistry, are their tingles or is he like your brother?

If he'd met someone else would you be jealous or very happy for him?

I don't know. He's a bit like that colleague who you know would be attractive in another life but you're not going "there" so you don't let it in. Or your friend's husband. It's just out of the question (as it was when we first knew each other) so it doesn't start.

I do worry about him meeting someone else, but I'm not sure if that's because I know it would change our friendship more than I want him for myself.

That's said, knowing the friendship can't stay this way forever makes doing "something" feel like less of a risk.

My DH was my good friend first, but I was always aware of where he was in a room, the space between us when we were walking, the strength in his arms, how his smile made me smile…we were both drawn irrevocably together. Oh, and neither of us had to bring the topic up - one day we walked towards each other and kissed as if it were the most natural thing to do so, and have been together ever since. We still can’t work out who kissed who!

I'm impressed by @AlwaysAlba smoothly running relationship.

Now DH and I took ages to finally (sic) get it together.

Getting to know someone as a friend before any romantic developments arise is my favourite way of meeting someone.

I even have a whole theory about it, which is that it is typically the woman (in hetro relationships) who is first to indicate overt interest.

What have you got to lose by asking him how he would feel if you were developing feelings towards him. Or simply tip up your chin and wait to be kissed.

Good luck.

@FinallyHere it probably helps that we are a tad “mature” 😁

I think the conversation you've had with us is the one you should be happening with him and do it now!

Personally, l see nothing wrong in having sex with a good friend. I’ve done it when the time was right.

lf you hang about he’ll meet someone else.

So what was the upshot of the night when you'd drank too much and he was less gentlemanly? Was there chemistry? Did you debrief or sweep it under the carpet? I'd have thought if you both liked it, then it would have happened again, or could do if you wanted it to, then take it from there?

Sounds like you're good enough friends and self-aware/mature enough that if the 'something came to nothing' you could deal with it, and it might well come to something if you both wanted it. It's not the biggest risk in the world, sounds worth taking and if it doesn't work out, revert to being friends if poss.

This was me and DH. I was too scared to risk losing him as a friend to say anything, so was he.

There's no easy way to collapse that, but alcohol certainly helped in our case.

Of course it can backfire and then it's tough. But nothing ventured nothing gained?

Great relationships can come from friendships. If you know you already like each other as friends, and have been there for each other when there was no sexual undertone, no physical 'benefit' means you truly like each other.

It doesn't mean you're guaranteed to make a great couple, far from it, but you've more chance than if you met a stranger and dated them.

Have an honest conversation. Talk about the risks to your friendship if it doesn't work out. Try to manage dating so that if it isn't working you can extract yourselves without stopping the friendship. As well as knowing some couples (including my own) that started as just friendship, I also know friends who once dated but it didn't work out, no hard feelings.