Hi. I'd like opinions please, AIBU etc., from neutral people rather than friends, who tend to be biased, hence this post.
I'll try to keep this as brief as possible, but want to put all facts so you are fully informed. I've been seeing a chap for almost three years (next Friday will be the anniversary). We met through online dating, we chatted for a few weeks, then met, had to play it a little quiet during covid, but became a 'bubble', so we could then meet with no problem. He lives eighty miles from me, which could have proved a problem, although he said he'd do the driving. He did, but once I knew the way (with satnav), it's mostly me that drives to him. If asked, he's always good enough to collect me .. if my vehicle is playing up for instance. He might do the driving maybe four times a year, otherwise I do it. He has a lot of animals - sixty or so sheep, a dozen cats, a couple of dogs. I do too, ponies, dogs, rabbits and others. My ex lodges with me, is happy that I've found a decent chap, and looks after my animals in my absence. I go to my partner's house every Thurs/Fri and stay until Monday - my ex is happy for that, in fact he says he wishes I'd stay for longer, lol!
My partner split with his previous live-in partner a year or so before he and I got talking. Before he met me she'd got in contact with him and asked if she could feed his animals for him, because she was missing helping him with them. He was pleased for her to do them, he has a manual type job, so to get home and not have to feed his animals saved him the trouble. He and I started talking in February 2020, and started actually seeing each other in the June, which was when he mentioned to her that he'd met someone. She wouldn't meet me, stayed away the weekends that I was there, but sent dozens of texts on a daily basis, calling me all sorts of abusive names, telling him he was a user, she was looking after his animals during the week, he was using her, etc., etc. I must point out that he doesn't ask her for help, ever - she wants to be there, and gets angry if told she's not needed.
She did a 7am 'raid' one morning, letting herself in his house, straight upstairs into his bedroom, stomping about breaking things and shooting at him. I wasn't there that time! She continued to look after his animals after that - she wants to do it, he's happy to let her.
Roll on to last year. He'd been poorly, and we hadn't seen each other for a while (he was suffering from depression, actually). I turned up, phoned him from outside and said I'd come to see him. He let me in, obviously, and we sat and chatted. He was very tired, he'd been sleeping huge amounts while depressed, so I said if he was sleepy, just go to bed, don't let me stop you from sleeping. We both went upstairs, laid on the bed (full clothed) and fell asleep .... only to be woken by 'her'!!! ( He lives in the countryside, incidentally, and doesn't lock his doors!). She ranted and raved, saying I was dominant and shouldn't just turn up uninvited etc. I did suggest that it would be lovely if we could be friends, he'd be happy ... but that didn't go down well with her. We exchanged a few 'pleasantries' (you can imagine!) and after throwing a cushion at a picture and breaking the glass on it, she left. He was in such a poor state, he hardly said a word. He came out of his depression about last September time and hasn't suffered since (or before).
She continued to look after the animals when I wasn't there, he continued to let her.
She did another 'raid' one evening about 11pm, couldn't get in the house because we'd taken to locking the doors. When he opened the door to her, she proceeded to scratch and kick him, shouting and screaming. I went down, and asked her wtf she was playing at. I also said 'Look (name), if this is because you're in his bed during the week when I'm not here, just say ... I'll be off, I don't share!'. She just looked at me blankly. At no point has she insinuated that there is anything like that going on. After this attack he banned her from his house, and wouldn't have anything to do with her. She was sending twenty to thirty texts daily. Threatened suicide, reported him to the RSPCA, all hateful texts, but then saying she'd never give up, she'd love him forever. He had nothing to do with her for three months, didn't even respond to the texts. It was lovely for me to know that she was no longer there, tbh. However, in January of this year his vehicle broke down, and he needed help. The stupid twt only phoned her for help!! She was there in an instant, and has been back every day since!! Because she threw the house key away when she was fighting with him, she hasn't had access to the house - which I'm happy about, however she's now putting pressure on him, saying that it's unfair she can't go in, she wants to get changed in there, and may need the loo. He says she's a friend, and he'd never have her back as a partner. I do believe him. Her texts have continued, every single day I'm there she'll send them, always nasty about me, spiteful and abusive, and not nice to him either.
She's now saying that she wants access to the house, she wants him to be able to contact her with a 'Good morning ' or answer her texts when I'm there .... AND she wants some 'social time' with him, i.e a meal in the house with him, sometimes!! Obviously when I'm not there!!
He says that because she's so helpful, he feels she should now be able to go in the house when he's not there, and he sees nothing wrong with cooking her a meal some evenings, again ... what's wrong with sharing a meal with a friend?!!!!!!
I feel he's being disloyal to me, she clearly cannot accept that he has a partner, won't meet me, continues with the horrid texts about me .... am I being unreasonable? He's a lovely man, she's the only problem we have .... but I'm feeling so hurt that he seems to put her feelings before mine. He says he doesn't, she's a friend, I'm his partner, he should be able to have who he wants in his house, eat with whom he wants. If it was anyone else I'd be fine, but she's such a bi about me, it hurts that he's so accepting of her. Tbh, I've told him this weekend that I won't go back unless we can reach a compromise. I'm breaking inside, but can't tolerate the fact that she's going to be getting all her demands met, and I have to put up with it.
Suggestions, advice please x