How do I know? Separate or just need time to myself?

[Sunshinewarmsthesoul]

How do I know if I want to separate or I just need a break? We’ve been married 11 years, one DS age 9.

We work well together but I feel quite constricted by him. Nothing abusive or awful, but when he disagrees with something I’ve done (bought unhealthy snacks or spent money on something he doesn’t agree with) then I find his disapproval oppressive. He goes quiet and doesn’t talk.

We haven’t had sex in over a year. We barely touch and I can’t be assed to try.

He works antisocial hours (evenings and weekends) and my son and I bumble along quite nicely on our own. I work full time and am the main breadwinner. I don’t get any significant time just to myself outside of the house as my weekends are full up with playing taxi to my DS and doing stuff with my DS when DH is working. Whereas he has a couple of days in the week off and can please himself both days apart from collecting our son from school.

He does what I ask of childcare/ school runs etc but takes no interest and does nothing towards ensuring our
son is ok/ happy/ progressing at school/ doing clubs etc.

I don’t know if I have the energy to try to make it better. Counseling, making time for each other, date nights etc. I just can’t be bothered, I’d rather just stay home by myself with a book.

That said, nothing is forcing us together right now. We moved countries a few years ago and we worked together to make it happen. We talk about the future with building / renovating a house, getting a dog etc. He was a great support when I was made redundant a few years ago and he said it would be fine, we’d work it out, I appreciate the support so much because I was panicking.

I feel like our lives are running in parallel for the most part and it’s mostly fine but then is that a sign to split?

This isn’t what I wanted from a marriage but I don’t have any inclination to want to find someone in the future, I just want to be alone with my son I think.

Bump!

Do you like him OP?

Sounds like you’ve given up and unwilling to try and fix it - which is a bit sad for him, but if you want to break up then ultimately you can.

You married him for a reason though, so personally I’d put some effort in.

When was the last time you went on a holiday or adventure together, just you two, no son?
Try that first and see if it changes things. It sounds like you don't actually do much together.

I do like him, we get on fine but spend very little time together. And I think because the good times are nice but when he’s sour about things it makes me feel so awful I just think it’s not worth it. It’s not a great love. It’s a coexistence.
He doesn’t like change or travelling or spending money and I like travelling and being spontaneous and spend money on things like clubs for our son.
I feel like we’re incompatible and I’ve never been alone. I wonder if I got more time alone or to do my own thing I’d be more content.

It does sound a bit rubbish. Maybe try telling him honestly how you feel and see if he decides to make more effort. Work out what you would want in order for things to feel more fair, and tell him that. How he reacts will tell you what to do next.