Pity gets you nowhere but I feel so sad life was/is this way

[btmediabox]

I’ve not wanted anything too wild or extraordinary in life, just to share a home, have an engagement, marriage, children. The usual things I suppose.

I thought I had finally met the right person when I was 32. We had a baby when I was 35 and he left me very coldly. It broke me. Dc is 18 months now. I love him so much and feel guilty even posting this as I know I’m lucky… but I feel I’ve missed out so much. Those moments of celebration… I remember a couple of lovely birthdays in my twenties but nothing major. The same with moving into a new home, I did it all alone. I’ve never had a hen party or been wedding dress shopping. Never had a wedding or a honeymoon. Never gone away to celebrate an anniversary. Never had matching pj photos at Xmas with the family. Never had a baby with someone who has built a life with me.

The sad thing is I was always meeting people. I’ve had a few relationships. I’ve been on some great holidays with boyfriends in my twenties but I’ve never had anything really significant, if that makes sense? I guess looking back they were all quite rubbish relationships.

Here i am now, again at the sidelines. Watching as everyone seems to add to their family. Have holidays as a family. Nice into their next and forever home. My sister has been with her finance since she was 20. They are a team.I know self pity gets you nowhere but I’m so sad today. I would treasure having shared life with someone. I know there’s other ways to fulfil your life and believe me, I’ve done them all. I can function alone and find happiness, but it’s not the life I truly want. I long to share it. Everything is more special when shared with someone you love and I feel I have so much to give… just nobody to give that love to (dc aside, which is a different relationship). Not sure why I’m posting, I know nobody can change it, I’m just sad.

Obviously I know a matching pj photo is just for show! I guess I’m just trying to express that even one of these things in life would have been lovely. I don’t seem to have had any of them.

I totally get it. My life has been a bit different but I share many of the same feelings about having missed out on so much.

I got married but knew it was wrong. I didn't have enough friends to have a hen party. I've never been a bridesmaid or had anything resembling a fun family life.

In my case, never had a non disabled child.

Its not too late for you to find a loving partner. But even if you don't you can build fun times and memories with your ds. I know it doesn't take from all the loss but maybe it will be enough as you grieve from the relationship and move forward. Remember people build loving relationships in their late 30s, 40s and older. I know this isn't what you wanted though and there's no answer to that. I feel your pain.

You aren't the only one OP. I have a ds and a home but I've never had a partner I could trust.

I've had a number of relationships that I've ended when the man concerned proved to manipulative, dishonest, light fingered, free-loading or just plain abusive.

I have a normal life, good relationship with ds, friends and siblings I get on well with, work, hobbies. But for some reason I only meet creeps.

It is lonely but I am thankful for all the nice things I do have and focus on that. xx

Honestly, OP, I don't think it's helpful for you to frame lives according to these pretty prescriptive norms of 'special moments' or life stages. For instance, I've never gone wedding dress shopping or had a hen party, I don't generally celebrate my birthday at all, I've never in my life worn matching pyjamas, far less taken a photograph with my family all wearing them, I have only the vaguest idea when my wedding anniversary is, and I've never celebrated it, far less gone away to do so.

I absolutely get your sadness that it didn't work out with the father of your baby, and your longing to find someone to share your life with, and there seems no reason why that shouldn't happen, but honestly, I think you need to find different types of friends with different kinds of lives, who model different types of life stages and priorities. One of the most fulfilled and happy people I know has never had a relationship, has always lived alone and adopted her daughter from China. Another friend is single and childfree, and doesn't own anywhere to live -- he rents a houseboat for part of the year in the Netherlands, spends another part of the year working for board and lodging at an Irish retreat centre, and makes a (minimal) income from working as a walking and climbing guide in Austria. He likes his life.

I mention these not to say this is what you should aspire to, but to suggest that you would torment yourself less if you knew more different types of people who were differently fulfilled without the 'moments' you seem to think everyone has.

Yup I get it
2013 was the worse year of my life and nearly killed me
Fast forward 10 years I've managed to get married , have a dc and get divorced.
I've just been messed about by 2 men post divorce and honestly I don't think I'll ever meet anyone now .
Just glad I've got my dc

Watching as everyone seems to

But 'everyone' isn't. If I wanted a million quid, and spent all my time staring at people who had a million quid, until I believed the world was full with people who had a million quid, everyone except me... what would you advise me to do?

You are only 32 OP - at that age I was similar though no kids - things did change though and at 50 life did move on in a good way

tomorrow is always another day

I assume she's more like 37 from the OP, but still - absolutely loads of life ahead to share with her DD and who knows who else along the way. I hear your sadness OP and it's still early days since your split. You don't need someone else to fill that gap and tick these boxes right now. You need to take care of yourself and get through this sadness, find new goals of your own and focus on what you've got not these other things that I promise you many, many people have happy lives (on balance) without.

@Watchkeys that quote is half the sentence. I said as everyone seems to add to their family.

I am not specifically looking for this to compare, but it’s a loss I feel so much of the time.

@Pinkdelight3 yes im just 37 (last Friday) so probably feeling things more than usual

I don't care what you say most relationships grow tired and stale after a while, bring in the stress of two adults living together, raising a child, as well as working and watch the competition and resentment grow regarding whose doing what. The relationship threads alone on here are enough to put you off for life.
I thank God every single day for the freedom l have, the comfort and safety of my home and the health of my children, why would l want to ruin all of that by being shackled to someone else ?
Enjoy what you have in the here and now, nothing in life is guaranteed, and your wasting a good life wishing for what people are wanting to escape from.

Hi Op. I know you're not asking for advice and you even said you're not sure why you are posting but ultimately I think it comes down to how happy you are and what you want and are able to do about it now and in the future. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. Do you have friends and family you can or would want to talk to about it?

Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You amzn.eu/d/8peNUB0

I have been reading this book. It is really making me reevaluate my relationship choices and what I want. You need to deal with your grief first before you move on.

Op, you are not on the sidelines. Not at all.

You have a dc.

You have your own home.

You are young and I'm assuming, healthy.

You have everything you need to power forward and embrace life.

Don't subscribe to the manufactured images of matching pyjamas as something real to aspire to. Or you and your ds get matching pyjamas. And go for creating your own family unit that others aspire to. Otherwise you'll just be constantly feeling you're missing out when you're really not. You don't want your ds to feel that you aren't enough and for him to have that same yearning.

You are more than enough.

I felt similar in my mid thirties as a single mum. A sad longing for a meaningful relationship, feeling life passing me by. Used to feel something was wrong with me. It took a long time and a fair few failed relationships to come to the acceptance that it was all fantasy.

That amazing partner I eventually found turned out to be a controlling, needy prick. Be careful what you wish for.

You mention you have so much love to give. Please be aware of potential predators who target single women and may take advantage of your loving nature. Pour that love into nurturing yourself and DS.

Take trips to places you've never been.
Take yourself out of your comfort zone by trying new activities.
Read up on self love and raising self esteem. Theres so many resources online on Youtube and on some forums here.
It takes time but you will need to put the effort in.

I think you have your mind set on the fairytale family life.

The ideology you have is quite far from reality realistically, I know loads of my friends who take the cute family Christmas pics! I also know that in some cases they have a pathetic relationship with no communication or even love!

I think if you were to put into perspective I'm jealous of your life, you have a beautiful child who you love, that's something I am longing for!

I am by no means saying that you don't have a right to feel this way, but I do think shifting your mindset will absolutely help you! Like you said looking back at those relationships they weren't great can you imagine if you were to marry these people??? It would be miserable and you'll look back on your single mum life and think I was actually happier then!

It's not wrong when they say you have to truly love yourself before anyone else can and not that I think you don't but it does sound like your lacking something within yourself!

You will get your happy ever after and you will have all these thing you long for! Just because it's not happening right now doesn't mean it never will!

Thinking of you 💕 and hoping you know this is just a bad day not a bad life xxx

I was married. My mum was in hospital with cancer so I did all the wedding prep, wedding dress shopping etc. on my own and it was pretty miserable. My marriage was rather loveless and I bought my own presents and arranged any outings I wanted. Then I divorced him. The last 5 years I’ve lived with DD and dog and taken matching Xmas pj photos, had wonderful days out and been very happy. Recently started dating a guy who makes me feel like a single 20 year old again and it’s great.

im 46, you have loads of time for hallmark moments, they just may not be the ones you expected!