Long time lurker, first time poster. Sorry this is long!
I married and had children in my 20’s and was divorced at 30. DD’s 10 months and 2. No big problems, just normal challenges with 2 under 2 - DH struggled and decided to leave. Shattered my trust and confidence however I’ve worked hard to rebuild and have a good career, own my own home (mortgage) and have a lovely relationship with my daughters. XH remarried and divorced again, had a series of other girlfriends and recently moved in with the latest. Despite it all, I’ve tried my best to always put the girls first and enable a relationship with their dad and we are amicable for their sake. I’m proud of the lovely, well adjusted and resilient young girls they are at 11 and 13.
3 and a half years after the divorce, I decided to try OLD. Happy on my own, but with time on my hands and ready to give it another try. I met DP shortly after and we’ve now been together nearly 6 years. Early on, we had lovely child free time (he had his DD and DS - now 17 and 15) 50/50. After 6 months we met each other’s kids and introduced all the kids too - an annual few days away together, day trips and a few catch ups but fairly limited contact with each other. We discussed moving in together in the future but didn’t want to force blending or rush anything. And I’m so glad we didn’t…
In the last 18 months things have changed. DS 15 is going through a tough time …disrespectful to dad (regular shouting, door slamming and personal verbal attacks) poor behaviour at school, terrible language. He is seeing a psychologist but with few changes at home. Due to the conflict caused , DP’s DD 17 has chosen to live with her mum full time and DS is full time with DP. I’m supportive of DP and understand he needs to put his DS first (I would do the same). However he is worn down emotionally and physically by the situation and a very busy/stressful job. It’s taking it’s toll on him and us - and in the last few months he has also bought investment properties, is planning house renovations and got a puppy! We have much less time together (always at his) and it is often impacted by DS’ behaviour. I find myself wanting to spend less time there due to the atmosphere and feel myself withdrawing. DP wants me to move in but I won’t - it would be a disaster, for me and my DD. He can’t really come to mine due to all his commitments above.
I think a lot about where to go from here - I love him and he’s a good person trying his best, for his kids and to rebuild post divorce. However it’s hard…
I know life often doesn’t go to plan, and I feel blessed with what I have (a cliche but true). But at this stage of life, with near teen kids, I’m struggling with this not blended/living apart, relationship - disconnected from DP and with lots of drama and without the time to focus on myself and take up a hobby/gym class/expand friendships etc.
I can’t help but wonder (often) if I should just embrace the peaceful, calm, stable life I have with my girls on my own. Though I know I will miss DP. Or do I stick it out with DP hoping we can get through the other side and things settle down (they don’t always seem to from the posts on the Step Parenting board!) Maybe with older more mature kids, this could get easier?
I know I need to talk with DP (again). Perhaps this is the end of the road for us, wanting and needing different things and being at different life stages.
But I wondered if anyone else feels similar about their post divorce relationship/s?
Are they worth it or is it easier going it alone after rebuilding? I’d love to hear from others with similar experiences or insights as I don’t know anyone in this situation irl!