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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice please

10 replies

AmIEnough · 20/03/2023 11:27

Hi Mumsnetters, I really would appreciate your advice.

i’ve been with my husband for almost 11 years, although we’ve only been married for coming up to 2 years. Just over four years ago, we both sold our respective homes and moved in to a new home that we bought jointly. My husbands says we did this in order to allow me to give up my stressful job which I was not coping with. So I’m now a stay at home mum/housewife.

I have always known there was something very different about me in the way that I behave, and this may range from having chronic OCD, anxiety, not really knowing how to behave in a relationship, having severe intimacy issues. I should say as an aside and for full disclosure, this is my third marriage, which I am ashamed of and embarrassed about.

My issue is that I am not making my husband happy as my intimacy issues seem to be getting worse with age. I am now 52 years old. I’m not making excuses but I am currently awaiting assessment for autism and ADHD, which I have read get worse, the older you get. Also, having read up a lot about it, not understanding what kind of behaviour is appropriate in relationships is also one of the manifestations. I find all the touchy feely, lovey-dovey stuff toe curling! It doesn’t come naturally to me and actually I find it repellent. My husband seem to think we only have sex once a month, whereas I know that not to be true, it tends to be at the weekends, our sleep patterns don’t coincide during the week as he goes to bed very early.

I guess my first question is what is normal in a relationship? In terms of how often you have sex with your partner or husband? I love him dearly but we have also now started sleeping in separate bedrooms because his snoring has got to a point that I can’t sleep and I’m waking him to stop him snoring and we end up resentful of each other. He tells me I should wear earplugs, but my suspected autism makes that absolutely impossible because I feel completely hemmed in, and claustrophobic. He tells me I am uncompromising. I realise I am not the wife that he needs as I find it very difficult to show him any affection but on the flipside I do feel that there are elements of him being unreasonable in terms of the sleep issues.

I suppose I am looking for your opinion, your guidance, a reality check on what is deemed normal in a relationship of this length of time, and if anyone has any bright ideas as to how I can be the wife that I would like to be for my husband, who much as I feel hurt at the moment, I love dearly.

thank you

OP posts:
Ofcourseshecan · 20/03/2023 12:44

My husband used to snore a lot, but this stopped when we started eating more healthily and he lost about 12 kilos in weight. He wasn’t particularly fat before, so I was surprised the weight-loss made that much difference. Apparently it does, so if that’s your husband’s problem it might help.

Sorry I can’t help with the more important problems of your intimacy issues. It’s not your fault if you don’t like physical closeness, but it’s obviously difficult for him.

How old are your children? Do you feel comfortable holding them?

Original poster
AmIEnough · 20/03/2023 16:37

thank You for your gentle response.

I have 2 daughters but only one lives with me (16), the other is older and has left home. I am very close with my 16 year old and can hug her easily.

the psychotherapist I was seeing thinks it’s because I see no threat in her in terms of having to be intimate when I can’t or don’t want to be

OP posts:
Original poster
AmIEnough · 20/03/2023 17:02

Ofcourseshecan · 20/03/2023 12:44

My husband used to snore a lot, but this stopped when we started eating more healthily and he lost about 12 kilos in weight. He wasn’t particularly fat before, so I was surprised the weight-loss made that much difference. Apparently it does, so if that’s your husband’s problem it might help.

Sorry I can’t help with the more important problems of your intimacy issues. It’s not your fault if you don’t like physical closeness, but it’s obviously difficult for him.

How old are your children? Do you feel comfortable holding them?

Sorry also forgot to say, he is overweight which he is also aware of. He does try on occasion to do something about it but it always tends to be quite short lift but I do think it’s noise particularly bad at the moment due to his weight issues .

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 20/03/2023 19:10

If something that you don't like is 'normal', would you just put up with it and continue without making your feelings clear? If so, why? If not, why does what's 'normal' make any difference to anything?

Original poster
AmIEnough · 20/03/2023 20:05

Watchkeys · 20/03/2023 19:10

If something that you don't like is 'normal', would you just put up with it and continue without making your feelings clear? If so, why? If not, why does what's 'normal' make any difference to anything?

Good point. Thank you x

OP posts:
Ofcourseshecan · 22/03/2023 01:01

I think having sex once a week would not be unusual in your 50s. But does he like to show other forms of physical intimacy such as cuddling, which you don’t enjoy? It is a difficult situation. Are you still seeing a psychotherapist? And if so, what does s/he suggests. Couple counselling might be helpful to you both.

Seaoftroubles · 22/03/2023 07:26

In reality there is no such thing as normal and from what you describe you are struggling to cope with your husbands perception of this in your marriage. I see from your post you only moved in together 4 years ago so have you found things more difficult since then? If you are in fact diagnosed with ASD then that would answer a lot of your questions regarding intimacy, and why you struggle with physical closeness, cuddling and being 'touchy freely.' You say you love your husband though so maybe you could work through this together with advice from a therapist where you find ways to connect that don't overwhelm you.

Original poster
AmIEnough · 22/03/2023 21:13

Seaoftroubles · 22/03/2023 07:26

In reality there is no such thing as normal and from what you describe you are struggling to cope with your husbands perception of this in your marriage. I see from your post you only moved in together 4 years ago so have you found things more difficult since then? If you are in fact diagnosed with ASD then that would answer a lot of your questions regarding intimacy, and why you struggle with physical closeness, cuddling and being 'touchy freely.' You say you love your husband though so maybe you could work through this together with advice from a therapist where you find ways to connect that don't overwhelm you.

I have found things worse as I’ve aged. I think being peri menopausal is probably adding Tony issues. Yes, thank you, perhaps counselling would be a good idea

OP posts:
Original poster
AmIEnough · 22/03/2023 21:14

Ofcourseshecan · 22/03/2023 01:01

I think having sex once a week would not be unusual in your 50s. But does he like to show other forms of physical intimacy such as cuddling, which you don’t enjoy? It is a difficult situation. Are you still seeing a psychotherapist? And if so, what does s/he suggests. Couple counselling might be helpful to you both.

I can tolerate cuddling but it’s kissing intimately which is the hardest thing for me.

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 22/03/2023 21:38

OP if you are not on hrt already then it's definitely worth a try. Hrt doesn't just help with libido and hot flushes, but can also regulate mood swings, decrease anxiety and improve brain fog. Along with some counselling this might really help you.

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