Narcissistic mother - what should I do

[restlessmama]

Hello and thank you for my reading my post.
I am in a big conundrum regarding the relationship with my parents.
My mother is a narcissist and I've struggled all my life with the consequences of her behaviours. My dad enabled and encouraged that behaviour for the sake of a quiet life. The result is a very toxic and insufferable family life (since childhood).

Last year in June 2022 (at 42) I decided that enough is enough and I cut ties with them, the decision was brought on by the fact that I felt exhausted, physically and emotionally, from the relationship and started to suffer with severe anxiety and panic attacks as a result.
Yesterday, I received an email from my mother demanding that I offer an explanation to my behaviour, 'why would you do this to US when YOU have always been the horrible one', 'you clearly want us to die earlier than we should so you may as well admit to it' and other passive aggressive statements along those lines.

My question is: do I owe them an explanation? I genuinely don't have the emotional and physical strength to provide this (my husband and I are also going through a very tough time and any energy I have I save for the children).

Would it be awful for me to just tell her to look up what it means to have grown up the way I have due to her mental health issues (enabled by my father) and accept my decision and move on? I should add that one of the triggers for me to distance myself is that when I last visited in June 2022, I felt that my son was starting to be at the receiving end of her unacceptable behaviours whilst my daughter is the grandchild that can do no wrong in her eyes (comparisons are openly made in front of the children).
Should I just ignore the email and continue looking ahead or shall I offer one final statement to offer them closure?
Thank you very much for any advice you can offer.

Wow, thats a lot to deal with OP. Sorry you've had a really tumultuous emotional time with parents. Tb there are people who have been through same and will be along shortly to offer more specific advice. I don't think you need to respond at all to the email, which sounded nasty. Was it triggered perhaps by Mothers day. Designed to make you feel guilty but you don't need to. You mentioned seeing patterns in parents assigning roles to your DC that they did to you. You don't need to accept this, emotional abuse was doled out to you when help should have been sought for your mothers MH issues. Your father enabled the abuse so is just as much to blame. If you can walk away, I'd do it now. You wouldn't maintain an abusive ex husband to come back into you and your DC's lives in this way. It's toxic just look after your own DC and move on. You've done the right thing but get talking therapy if you haven't already.

Ignore. I’d block if possible to avoid more of the same.

Ignore it and set up a rule in your email where all messages from your parents go to a separate folder which you can choose to look at, or ask your husband to look at for you, when you feel strong enough.

You don’t owe them any explanations, and it sounds like they’re the kind of people who would twist it all back on you anyway. Any engagement will just drag you back into the cycle again, which is exactly what they want.

Trigger warning mentions CSA.

Hi @restlessmama it is so difficult. I’m sorry you are going through this. I am out the other side of it and it is 5 years since I had any contact with mine. I was extremely codependent so it was a really difficult bond to break out of but I have zero contact with my parents or siblings any longer and I no longer want any contact with them.

From what you asked the one thing that I learned was that they cannot hear your side of the story. They are committed to their own narrative and since everyone is the hero in their own story, you have to be their villain. You are a character in their life rather than being an actual person. It was said best to me by one of my brothers who was actively participating in the rug sweeping operation going on in the family when he said “you don’t know how difficult it is for me having sisters who were sexually abused”, I wasn’t a person on my own right who had experienced the abuse I was just a character in his story. The scales fell off my eyes then and I realised they could never ever hear me. It is exceptionally difficult to navigate and I found that I was more misunderstood than I was understood even though there was the history of incest in my family and a the big massive sweeping under the rug operation that the entire family still participates in even though everyone says they believe about the incest. So even in really bad situations the same scripted dynamics take place in dysfunctional families. Learning about family dysfunction, learning about narcissistic people - it will always, always be about them, you are a conduit to meet their needs not a real person to them, learning about healing, getting great therapy were the things that got me through.

I will live with the consequences of the dysfunction all of my life, that is the nature of trauma, but I have adapted into my changed life and I am very, very happy with the changes I have made. I have great friends, a great partner and family, great work colleagues, a great therapist and all of these have helped me to turn my life around. These are the things that heal. If there is any way try to create a good life for yourself and deal with the hurt parts of yourself compassionately and gently that will get you through.

Ignore and then block them both. From the bits of the letter that you mention it really is all about her/them isn't it? You owe your mother/parents nothing. I have been NC with my mother for 35 years and have never offered an explanation despite the 'flying monkey' family members wanting to know. My parents separated when I was 17 and I told my dad why I didn't want to see her and he called me a liar and the wider family would've done the same.
When a parent starts to turn their abusive behaviour on to your children then it is time to stop all contact - it's that or watch your own childhood pass before your eyes revisited upon your children.

Ignore her email and block. Replying to her missive would be an error of judgment here and besides which you cannot reason with people this disordered of thinking. What she wants from you is a response and that is the reward for her.

Drop the rope entirely here.

What should you do?

Nothing.

Why do you think you 'should' do anything?

Don't honour it with a reply ime. I went nc with my dm. She sent a huge Woe Is Me letter. Which I read (confirmed I was correct in going nc) and binned it.
Been 11 years of sheer bliss now. You owe them nothing. Sweet FA....

You don't owe her jack schmidt and don't let her guilt trip You into believing anything else. You know it won't be just one last email. She'll reply, turning anything you say back on you no matter how many gymnastics she has to do to twist the words. Look forward my lovely.

This is great advice. Nothing you could write will ever change the story they have written for themselves.

There is a very sensible response to her message;

"As you think I'm horrible I expect you are relieved we are no longer in contact. I certainly am."

Not suggesting you send it though!

Hmm, I don't know. I have a sister who is like your Mum. Before I went NC, I wrote her a very long e-mail. She told me if I sent it, that she wouldn't read it. It would have given me closure, because within the e-mail it challenged all of the lies that she had told. So, it felt like, I never got to say my piece and she went unchallenged.

If it was me, I'd send one reply, explaining why you want to step back from the relationship. I think I'd make it respectful, but factual.

"I love you, but I find your behaviour of X/Y/Z, deeply hurtful (list everything). In order for me to live a peaceful, happy and stress free life, I no longer wish to engage in such negativity. I trust that you can understand this, and I wish you all the very best going forward"

I suspect the timing was intended to spoil your Mother's Day.

You do not owe your parents anything. As PPs have said, any explanation you give them will be twisted to suit their (her) narrative. It's not worth wasting your time or effort.

I don't believe there is any such thing as closure. There certainly won't be in this case if you think replying to your mother will give her closure, as PPs have said it'll just fuel her fire.

I strongly agree that blocking any communications is the way forward for you. Narcissists only ever want to harm you, even any good times are part of that plan. Keep on doing what you need/want to do for yourself and your family - feel no obligations, they are not worthy

I really really wouldn’t respond.
I am NC with my family. I responded to a similar letter and then got trapped on a merry-go-round of why everything was my fault, I had a vivid imagination, my account of things differed from ALL of theirs (so therefore that meant I was wrong). I was the one on the receiving end of their abuse, but I was evil to even suggest they did any of those things. They were perfect in their eyes. If you respond anything you say will be used to show how ungrateful/mentally ill/vivid your imagination is. Once you pull away from a narcissistic parent they will be looking for the tiniest thing they can use and twist to show the world that they are a victim of YOU (classic being your mum saying you want them to die early, she has already started). Don’t pick the scab, let it heal and move on from your mother.

There is a great thread at the moment about NMs, I’ve found it very helpful just knowing there are others going through this.

Personally I’d just ignore the email, block her email address and if you can even change your email if possible. I got to the point at 43 to just walk away, like you my DDs were starting to pick up on things and notice favouritism with my brothers child compared to my DDs. I found it too draining and emotional to even think about putting my side across and I knew that what ever I said I would be the one in the wrong with everyone because, well it’s just easier to let her be who she is regardless of the damage she causes, everyone else just says you know what she’s like, like it’s ok for her to be cruel and horrible as long as it’s not effecting them.

During one of my last conversations with her I did say fuck it and called her out on stuff, when she hung up I thought fuck it again and finished it by sending her a text, I can’t remember what I said but it was along the lines of her being a child for hanging up and her being able to dish it out but can’t take it when someone calls her out on it. It was exhilarating, I didn’t feel any guilt it felt great. We saw each other twice after that but by that point I think she knew she’d lost all power, my DF had died a year earlier and I no longer felt I needed to try for his sake. I also realised I should never have had to do this anyway, he should have stepped up, but he was gone and I never had the guts to call him out when he was alive, part of me wishes I had, but he’d been out of my life for most of my adult life due to me trying to put distance between myself and my mother, I was desperate to try and have him in my life for a while.

The only feeling I have now I’d relief I don’t have to deal with her, in the past when I tried there was always guilt hanging over me, that’s gone and my only regret is it took me so long.

Thank you to everyone who replied to my message. Eternal guilt and self doubt really blurry my ability to think rationally and make decisions that are good for me when my parents are involved. I am grateful for your advice and shared experiences. I feel supported in the decision not to engage as it seems the best way forward to continue to heal.
Thank you again 🙂

Well done op

You have made a very good decision to disengage and remove this dysfunction and toxicity from your life

It is not an easy decision to disengage from parents but they left you no option

In many ways it is absolutely pointless to try and explain your reasons to them as they are so toxic they will never be able to see things from your perspective

Also if you go no contact it’s like depriving them of oxygen iyswim so it’s best to just ignore them

my ability to think rationally and make decisions that are good for me when my parents are involved

Do you want to say things to your mother? What do you want to say to her?

Rationality isn't the thing. This is a decision based on emotions. How do you feel about having your mother in your life, telling you that all the problems are your fault? Feel good? Feel bad? Feel angry?

What do you want to say to her?

I agree op dont engage. Im lc she very hard work. We got told a duty to elderly. Its beyond exhausting. Can see why people go nc. I agree zero reasoning with these people.

Please ignore and block.

In my experience wanting an explanation or something from my DM resulted in nothing more than further upset. She never even acknowledged what she did. She just wanted to continue doing it.

I too think it's telling this happened on mother's day. She just wants attention.

You've got to unpick and heal. Concentrate on you

If it was an ex boyfriend or colleague would you respond? No. People who are that awful to you don’t deserve a response whoever they are.

sorry you had to deal with this op

OP, I know this thread hasn't been responded to in a while but I just came across it because I was seeking some advice on what to do about my situation with my mother, which sounds extremely similar. My mother has treated me badly and caused explosive upsets at every milestone in my life since I was a teenager, first boyfriend, friendships, where I lived, where I got married, etc etc everything was wrong and she had to have an input. When I had children the situation became worse and my son has experienced some horrendous explosive situations from when he was extremely small, e.g. at the age of 2 she screamed and swore at him because he hadn't greeted her in a way she felt was appropriate when we were going to the theatre. The key thing was there was a colleague of hers in the foyer and it had triggered a narcissistic rage that he hadn't run and kissed her.

She has also told me to 'look out for my son' in future and that his behaviour is not normal etc. loads horrible things when he is to everyone else on the planet a kind kid, he does well at school, never had any issues etc. Just like you Op, my daughter is the opposite and can do no wrong.

Anyway, I've been doing lots of reading and this realisation that my mother's behaviour is narcissistic has all clicked into place - it never made sense before because it was so upsetting and irrational.

This is all made worse because I lost my dad last year and since then my mother has also become ill (in some ways genuinely and in others not so much) and I had my third child. My maternity leave morphed into becoming her on call carer, but I've recently returned to work (in a job I love, part time and my mother's true colours have returned.

My baby was poorly with a bad cold which I think she'd picked up at nursery and my mother basically accused me of putting her in harms way so I could work, and that it would be a 'Hassle' to go back. She also offered me money if I would stay at home with the kids.

I haven't been able to engage with her for a couple of weeks because this has upset me so much. It's not this episode alone but just the build up of hundreds of horrible episodes of toxicity.

Do I go no contact? I have a brother and I feel we have drifted too thanks to her meddling, and I feel so much happier and more myself when I don't have her in my life, but the guilt is so strong.

You don't owe an explanation. You know your reasons and that is all you need to know. Don't respond and as others have said either block or direct emails to a set folder that you can choose to review or not at a time that feels right for you.

I would block her. She's trying to control you. And she's trying to set you up to look after her. Next it will be for you to pack in work. You will not have a life.

When I returned to work my DM accused me of leaving my DS with strangers. Which I was kind of but an expensive, well rated kindergarten that I had carefully chosen. I was a single parent and I had to work. Also she would never look after him so what did she expect me to do? Probably live on benefits and have a life less than I wanted. She never wanted me to have or achieve anything. It's bizarre.

@Roseanddaisy

You need to start your own thread in Relationships. Just copy and paste it and you'll get a better response. This is someone else's old thread and you've probably given them a bit of jolt by posting on this one.
Your mother sounds unhinged to be honest and will never change so you're best option is to go no contact and look at moving.