What was this? TW: grooming/ Sexual abuse

[Pandorasboxofchocolates]

Have name changed for this./. This just feels so vulnerable and emotional for me at the moment. Basically my uncle consistently violated my boundaries as a child/ teen ( I am female for context) but it didn’t cross into anything illegal. I feel he was pushing the boundaries and testing the waters with me. I dread to think what might have happened had he had unlimited unsupervised contact with me.

This happened many years ago over a long period of time between the ages of 11/ 12 and 22/ 23. A lot of it happened subtly in front of other family members who normalised it as ‘harmless banter’. My parents generation are of the mindset of ‘be polite, don’t offend anyone, don’t rock the boat’. This uncle made lots of sexualised/ romantic comments (e.g. ‘we have chemistry’, ‘you are gorgeous, you have very kissable lips’, inappropriate contact (not sexual but made me v. uncomfortable) and basically violating my boundaries. For example at a family wedding he physically forced me to slow dance with him (I was about 13) despite me saying repeatedly no. He literally dragged me onto the dance floor and I felt so humiliated and helpless. It felt gross. He has kids a similar age to myself and my brother so he used to take all us kids away on caravan holidays over the summer holidays. I really wanted to go as it was so much fun with my cousins but when I was around 14 he would take photos of me and my cousin while we were sleeping in bed. I found this really weird and creepy as I was a 14 year old girl and he was a middle aged man. Another time when I was around 18 or 19 he wanted to give me money as a gift, I said it’s ok thank you but you don’t have to, so he shoved it down my top into my bra. Everyone just laughed it off but I was mortified and felt grubby and violated. There were lots of other similar examples.

It really affected my self esteem and I had put it behind me (or so I thought) but last year I had my baby girl and a lot of thoughts and feelings are resurfacing because I feel so protective of her & would never want anyone to abuse or hurt her. One of the things that really hurt me is that when I finally found the courage to tell my mum th extent of what happened and how it made me feel, both she and my dad hardly reacted. It just made me feel like I was worth nothing and I felt like that helpless 14 year old girl with no self esteem. If my little daughter came and told me a grown man had done shit like this to her I would be so angry and upset. But their lack of anger and outrage really upset me. I know I’m an adult but it made me feel like they were ok with him doing this to me and I’m just being dramatic.

I don’t know how to label or understand what he did, all I know is that it felt really wrong.

sorry for the massive essay, was just feeling a bit upset this morning and thought I’d reach out. Hope you guys have a good day xx

Yes, it's a form of sexual abuse.

Your parents are useless bastards. They are non parents.

(The only thing I could say remotely in their defence is that we used to have a totally fucked up, toxic culture in this regard and perhaps they were influenced by it.
It's no excuse though).

He's fucking disgusting. It's absolutely abuse, harassment and grooming, and shoving stuff into your bra was assault. If a random man in the street or at work did that you'd recognise that it was assault, it's no different because he's related to you. I'd be seriously worried about what he might have done to his own DC.

Your parents are a disgrace too, as is any of your family that witnessed any of that and did nothing. If my uncle had told me I had 'kissable lips' I imagine my DF would have flattened him. I'd certainly not have seen him again.

What you describe is absolutely abuse, and I would call it exactly that: sexual abuse. Don't be afraid to call it what it is OP. What you are describing about it coming to the surface now you have become a parent is very normal, because you must (consciously and subconsciously) wonder why your parents failed to protect you - there could be any number of reasons, denial, fear, normalisation, ineptitude. Is he a sibling of one of your parents? It's possible he abused them too.

Thanks for the replies. I thought it might be SA but I wasn’t sure because it wasn’t ‘explicit’/ illegal if that makes sense. It is helpful to have some clarity.

I love my parents very much but unfortunately they have been raised in a very toxic culture where your negative feelings aren’t recognised/ respected as a child. So yes they may have been abused as well. Not making excuses but that may be why are not outraged by it, because it’s not molestation/ rape etc. and this kind of inna priori are stuff is normalised. I raised it once and never did again because I was so upset by their lack of response. They just seemed confused and quiet and didnt seem angry like I would be.

He is my dad’s brother. My cousins did not have a nice time growing up with him, their mum and he fought a lot and separated but I don’t know if he sexually abused them. He is very manipulative and is very good at pulling the wool over others’ eyes I have realised so he often goes unchecked. I have emailed a SA charity for advice, I think it would be good to talk to someone. I think down the line I would like to raise it again with my parents, I do feel that they should have done more to protect me and they should have questioned him once they were aware of what he did.

Hi, this sounds very similar to what happened to me by a (sort of not blood related uncle) from 10yrs old to late teens..
It is grooming, just very subtle and sly.. gradually over years ..it's such a head fuck as like you said they haven't full on raped you as a minor but it still abusing a underage girl..they're playing the long game.. it's insidious and makes you question yourself
Unfortunately for me his grooming worked..he created a sorted of 'special' relationship..toying with my emotions for years..he always created situations to be alone with me at family doos.when I was 10 it was subtle suggestive looks ..winks. flirty compliments..then at 11/ 12 take me down the road to sit in his car and smoke weed..create a atmosphere of us against the adults..I would confide in him..I felt I trusted him...he would always be too touchy feely squeeze my leg..I remember the tension in the air it wasn't appropriate...I ended up later getting together with him as an adult at 22yrs..he's 20years older than me..worked his charm when he needed somewhere to live..he then did rape me In the relationship..and emotionally abuse me.. physically too( but subtle a he's clever)
I've had 2 kids by him and I'm leaving him now ..
It's very hard as I have a trauma bond with this man ..when he's put on the nice act it's so convincing..to the outside world he is so helpful and charming..but behind close doors he does nothing for his kids or me ..he's a complete narcissist sociopath..
But like you say very manipulative..it's always things you can quite put your finger on..if you haven't been through it it's very hard to explain to outsiders..I ignored all the red flags as he's been chipping away at me since I was a child..I wanted to believe he loved me.
Don't let people play down your own truth.. believe your gut instincts as they're there to protect us.

I’m so sorry, @Forests90 , and am glad you are finding a way out now.

Thanks, it's a long road ahead..I'm trying to get counselling for it but waiting list is never ending..I still panic and feel like a need him..even now knowing what he's done..it's also scary the thought of dealing with him as a ex ..whole new world of problems...but I can't see any option other than to leave him. He's an impossible person to have a family with..and just drains me