Lost in how to best protect kids during horrible divorce

[Fullofdoubtsme]

I've been separated but living in same house for 14 months. I wont get into the details of this dreadful process but suffice to say he is being extremely difficult. I've been in a toxic marriage with an emotionally abusive man for 19 years and the kids are used to his tactics, but as he keeps saying he has nothing to lose and will make things even more hell if I dont do things at his pace, I've been avoiding legal battle and trying to appease him so kids performance in school and mental health isnt affected.
They are 16 and almost 13 and top of kids in school, generally happy and healthy. Dont throw tantrums and seem to heal quickly from dads extreme behaviour.
However I'm extremely tired of this and not sure I should just go for an occupation and restraining order to get him out of house and away from me.
I have evidence of 2 occasions when he was physically violent and once called the police on him. He now bought a flat to move out but is buying his time while I continue to meet his every need to try keep some peace at home for kids sake.
I'm terrified that if I try something more drastic, i will live my life in fear as he will never forgive me and fighting to keep restraining order in place forever, as it'll trigger his darkest side.
He can be loving towards kids and I feel I must endure all for their wellbeing. Even if our fights are horrible, they often see him calling me horrible names, saying wishes I died etc, they are a bit "numbed" by it as am I as he's always been abusive, so they still go about their days as normal.
I know the situation is horrible and I deserve better and to be free from his control, but we have no family in the uk and very few friends, no one who knows about all details and no witnesses other than kids to his crazy behaviour.
I'm afraid to get the kids to have to say something "against" their dad, and so are they. He is a compulsive lier who has never apologised or acknowledged anything he has ever done and would deny everything, say I put kids against him. He constantly swears at iur daughter and is horrible towards her as she tells things to his face and he considers it all disrespectful, but then demands her to be loving towards him.
It'd cost me a lot of money and energy to fight him off so I wonder if I'm better just enduring it all for kids until they are 18 at least... hoping he will eventually move out to the flat he bought and sign the conditional order to end divorce.
He says wont sign until he goes to flat, and wont go until he thinks its good enough for him, and as this is what I wanted, I just have to basically pay for it. I could go on with loads more to show how horrible things are, but few people would believe it as he is sweet to the outside world and a very intelligent man.
I read a lot about impact on children from divorce, and I know staying in the toxic marriage would have caused its own scars, but as a mum I would rather I suffered than risk messing these brilliant children up any more...
At least when I suck it up and calm him down, serve him and obey, the house functions more peacefully. If I get legal he has a wealthy family to help him when I dont have anyone, and I am extremely averse to fights, it drains my energy and I fear it will affect my work and income.
He would be an enemy nextdoor forever if I got legal, and even if I know I have everything to "win", I worry about causing more chaos to kids, whereas if I continued to wait and he eventually moved and signed, it'd be calmer...
I must add that getting where I am now would have seem impossible 1 year ago, he at least signed the equity release so house in my name and got a job, seems to be wanting to go to flat eventually but not without causing me maximum stress and pain.
He is on antidepressants now and I worry if he stopped he could get violent again, but the impact on kids if I went to legal route with no guarantees of safety, when we have no one here, is surely wost than enduring emotional abuse and delaying my freedom...?!

Op, you cannot appease these sort of men. Niceness and compromise are seen as weakness. And they attack weakness. Do what ever to get him out. Get yourself a good solicitor. Fight tooth and nail. If need be, you move out (provided you can afford to do so until the divorce money comes in). Dont wait for him to make decisions. He hates you (sorry, but its true). He will deliberately make life hard for you. He.means.you.harm.

The worst thing you can do is stay. It shows your kids that this abuse (towards wives and children) is OK. That you are OK with them being abused. Which, means they have no safe person. They also, have no safe home. Because he's always around.

Do you want them to grow up think abuse is normal in relationships and continue the cycle? Of course not,right?

Get out. Qnd make sure they know its because you are not willing to tolerate bullies. And neither should they.

As for his well family, so what? Lol.
The kids are old enough now to choose whom they want to spend time with once you're out of there.

Then you just block him on everything bar one method of contact and only respond to him on that if its something important regarding the kids. Let your solicitor handle everything else.

Once you're out its as easy or hard as you make it. Provided you can afford things of course. But hell, cheap rental flat, little run around car, sorted. Freedom is the most valuable thing. That and your kids having a place to get away from him. And a mother who leads by example and shows them never to stay with abusers.

*well off family

Thanks @Pinkbonbon
I am better off than him now, earn well enough to support myself and kids, but didnt want to waste thousands on solicitors when he can get mummy to help him fight me off and I have little proof/witnesses other than kids and would hate for them to have to say something against him, I genuinely worry he could try to harm myself or do something to kids to harm me or harm himself. He constantly says has nothing to lose, so I must be careful. It seems restraining orders only last 6 to 12 months and I'd need to keep extending and just worry about the toll on kids to go through such a horrific split. The daily abuse is wrong, they know it and support me, but they are somewhat used to so can function happily. If I'm being "good" for him, he isn't terrible to be around so I prefer to take the beat than risking them losing their track in school, daughter is doing gcses... this is why I was always terrified of trying to separate, and have been trying everything for over one year to make him happy and just leave me, but don't know how much longer I can stomach.

I am also a bit scared of making this so public... the exposure for me and kids, and him. I once loved him and it wasnt always like so horrible. Surely my behaviour of appeasing not to get on fights fuelled his abusive behaviour over the years. I don't feel guilt or regret, but mostly fear and sadness. I am used to workings through his abuse and functioning, I worry a legal battle alone would stress me too much and I could burn out and not be able to support kids as well.
Its unbelievable how it got to this...

I think I would keep biding my time - the flat is a step towards him leaving in a nice way …. Really feel for you though Xxxx

Stuff 'public exposure ' . He's abusing your daughter. Put her first and leave.

@SunflowerTed thats where I get torn, I've put up until now, it will almost be for nothing if it still ends badly. He must eventually go! I thought of moving to the flat myself until he decides its good enough for him, I dont care... he may then want to go as I will be living more freely. Its 5min walk from house so kids would be ok.
And yes @Lucylock he does abuse emotionally both kids, my daughter suffers the most, which is why I decided to end it. I talk very openly to her about it, she pretty much hates her dad (my talk always why to try understand him, I lost my dad young so always thought they needed hmtheirs) but is also putting up to try get through the days with peace.

I should add his mum should come visit soon for a month... I was going to try ask for her help... she knows about the time he was violent and she was in an emotionally abusive relationship herself, told me she was glad "god took her husband" 10 years ago so she had some peace and freedom... maybe she can talk him through to moving and signing if I explain the alternative would end him....

But what realistically could his solicitors do though op? You earn more than him so you don't have to worry about money (you'll likely still get half or plenty anyway as the law is the law no matter how good his solicitors are) . He can't 'take the kids' because one is 16 already so will make their own choices and a 13 year old is unlikely to be forced to do anything they don't want either.

So I don't understand this fear of his solicitors. Get one and get yourself protected and get the divorce rolling. Even if his are better, so what, they all have to follow the same laws. Let then talk it out with eachother.

As for it burning you out, yes that is a real threat. IF you don't let the solicitors handle it. And IF you allow him to keep communicating with you. Get a burner phone for him. Block him on everything else. Only check it once per day. Reply to nothing unless its regarding a genuine issue.

If he threatens suicide, do not reply, simply call the ambulance people and tell them you have a manipulative ex and he is threatening suicide and it might be bs but maybe they should check it out. He'll soon stop that nonsense if the ambulance service show up and he gets done fir wasting their time.

If he shows up at your home, do not answer the door. Call the police and tell them you are afraid and he wont leave. Ps: you'd be wise to report his abuse as soon as you are away from him. That way they have on record that you are at risk from him and it will make it much harder for him to convince anyone he should have access to the kids if they don't want it.

I'm so so worried about this lesson your daughter us learning from you - to put up with abuse for 'peace'. You aren't living in peace, you are living in fear. And this will set the narrative for her future. Please get out. And tell your daughter you should have left the second he started showing his true colours because the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship, is none.

Also, the flat is a carrot on a stick.

He doesn't ever intend to leave. It's just there to keep you staying with him thinking 'it'll be easier if he chooses to go and oh look he has a flat so could leave any day now'. He's now going anywhere. So either take legal steps to get him out or leave yourself.

Also, do not try to use his mum. That's pointless. Even he she is a nice woman, she will be under his control too. She will always take his side.

Get your own bulldog legal representative. And act. Don't wait. Or you'll be sat there 5 years from now saying 'why didn't I leave back then?' And your daughter will be asking you the same, because you staying, ruined her life too.

Living with him is harming your kids and you're worried that he's capable of violence towards you and them.

Go to your lawyers and do what you need to do to get him out of your home.

The best thing you can give your kids is an example that shows you are worthy of love and respect, because you won't put up with this.

But for the threat of violence, I'd say just change the locks on him.

But is he being utterly toxic toward you and your kids. Even if just towards you, it's abuse in front of the kids which is damaging them.

Why is it so very bad for them to tell the truth, say it like it is?

Why are to being so nice and tolerant?

Get this man away from you and your dcs. He is vile and is damaging you all, day in, day out.

Start being icy cold and get him out.

The kids will probably not want to see him and that is their right. Just because he is their father does not mean they want to see him and be abused.

It'd cost me a lot of money and energy to fight him off so I wonder if I'm better just enduring it all for kids until they are 18 at least...

OP, I can see others have given their thoughts on this - I just read quickly and I concur with PPs. I just wanted to add - while I utterly understand where you are coming from, I have a horrendously emotionally abusive ex. I am at my lowest point in the 10 years since we separated, as we are finally getting close to a divorce, and he is making mine and DC lives hell, and manipulating the court processes extremely well to do so.

Despite all that, and how hard it is right now, I know I am doing the right thing by standing up for me and DC, by concluding the legal process and ultimately removing his power over us.

Unfortunately, it does come with pain and challenges. While I know in time, he will vanish from our lives (when the opportunity to control us ceases), in the meantime he exacting utter misery, reducing me to penury and really making life hell. It is truly shit, and the courts are not equipped to deal with these kind of men. BUT ... it's the only choice - appeasing or trying to work around these abusive men can NEVER work and exacts its own toll.

It's hard - but you need to stand up to him, do what you need to extricate yourself and your DC. My 3 DC refuse to see their father any more. They aren't upset about this - he is just negligible to them. Unfortunately he's throwing every allegation of parental alienation at me that he can, and creating hell for me. But the kids - they aren't happy about what he is doing, but they are ok.

You and DC have to get away from him.

Thanks everyone. @EarringsandLipstick thats good you are close to an end to your struggles too... can I ask roughly how much all this is costing you?
I spoke to a divorce counsellor and their honest opinion is that I am best trying to finish "amicably". A restraining order only lasts so long and is a huge thing that will create an even bigger issue between us and affect kids, plus stress me out by forever battling to extend it etc.
As I said I have no family or support network here and I honestly dont think I can face a legal battle, both emotionally and financially, with someone who loves a fight, can endure a lot more of the lying and manipulation than me, and has a mother with deep pockets.
They said I should try closing joint account and moving to flat (as in, being there when he's at house, and coming to house if I want when hes at work), trying again to get him to sign joint consent order. If he doesnt, just file my part and let him answer separate to court but get it moving and stop supporting him. If he stays in house, he pays for food, cleans, wash etc (obvs we would each pay separate bills but in my eyes I'm paying for a house for kids) and I can do whatever with my time.
I told him I have no money left, all our savings went to him, and he seems to have started to feel a bit bad about it, or at least acknowledge there is no more to drain from me...
His mum is coming soon and maybe when she sees him in my house and me on his flat, can try to bring sense to him. She was empathetic to my situation in the past and is generally a fair person.
Our belief is that when he sees me out, he will want the quiet of the flat x taking care of dog, kids etc at house. He's starting to see women and surely would prefer the freedom to bring them to flat...
There is a chance he will change locks on flat to stop me from being there, but then I can do the same and I don't think he'd be that stupid. Who knows...
I dont mind being there at all if it gives me peace of mind and distance from him.
I spoke to kids and they were supportive- sure it's hard on them but I'll be 5min walk away.
They will see what their dad is doing and decide what to do with it, I can't control their relationship, but I they will also add pressure for him to go to flat instead...
I know every path has its share of risks and horrible, there's no magic solution so 😔

I know you may think why not just change locks and take his stuff to flat, but that will reduce chances he will sign papers and he will stress kids out to let him in etc, I can see it happening. My best chance is him being "jealous" of what I have, if he feels I'm better off by being in flat...
Originally I did say I would leave and was looking for a rental, and it was only then he agreed to sell me his part of house so that he could have a flat 🙄 basic reverse psychology...

thats good you are close to an end to your struggles too

Unfortunately I'm not really - my divorce should be finalised in October, after 10 years but financially I am going to be in a very difficult situation. The Irish court system is shocking. (Tho I also look in horror at how maintenance is calculated in the UK)

can I ask roughly how much all this is costing you?

You don't want to know! But as I say I'm in Ireland, the system is somewhat different (ie you must be represented by both a solicitor & barrister for court). I'm probably at about €20k now just on legal costs but it's going to cost me a lot more to try & secure the house, if that's possible.

But don't use me as an example as you'll get more relevant guidance from UK posters!

I didn't fully understand the points from your solicitor (again, different systems). However I agree, separating out your lives as much as possible seems wise - accounts, meals, household tasks.