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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Mutually agreed separation in emotionally abusive relationship

13 replies

Anonymices · 19/03/2023 22:10

If emotionally abusive H now wants to separate now that's good, right? Or is it another power play? Any insights from the future of this situation would be welcome. Does it mean I'm no longer "in danger/needing refuge"?

OP posts:

rockingbird · 19/03/2023 22:24

I'd tread very carefully if I was you, if you've experienced abuse from him previously I very much doubt he's suddenly changed, in fact I'd say it's another twist and something will come of it. I'm speaking from experience here, there's more to it.

Hehx3 · 19/03/2023 22:37

I too think as PP be very careful. Mine was all over the place. Just keep your focus you will get through it. I will be thinking about you and you got this 💪

LadyLolaRuben · 19/03/2023 22:48

Leopards don't change their spots OP. I'd say he's up to something and plotting to pull a stunt. Please take care

Watchkeys · 19/03/2023 22:56

I really need to be focusing on your own intentions rather than his. If he has form for abusing you then he's likely to try to do that again, whether you're together or not, so that's not really a deciding factor.

What do you want to happen? Do you want to stay with someone who has a history of abusing you?

Pinkbonbon · 19/03/2023 23:34

Make whatever decisions you want want make for yourself and follow through. Assume he will fight you every step of the way.

But if you make up your mind to leave him then that's it. He doesn't get a say. What he wants is irrelevant. Get a good lawyer and let them handle all communication. Support yourself independently of him whilst you wait on any divorce settlement.

They like to say things then change their minds at the last minute in order to throw you off balance. Stop listening to anything he says. It's bs and it's irrelevant. It's your life.

Original poster

Anonymices · 20/03/2023 12:31

But won't the courts say I'm obstructing his contact if I leave now he's said he wants to separate? Doesn't that just look really bad on me?

OP posts:

PeekAtYou · 20/03/2023 12:36

You still need to be careful. You can't tell what he's thinking. He might enjoy keeping you on your toes and revert back suddenly, he might expect you to come crawling back and beg him to take you back, he might decide to tell everyone that he's a victim because you've left him..

You are not obstructing contact if you leave. If you change your number or don't reply to texts about the kids and move to the other side of the country then that is obstructing contact.

Pinkbonbon · 20/03/2023 12:58

Anonymices · 20/03/2023 12:31

But won't the courts say I'm obstructing his contact if I leave now he's said he wants to separate? Doesn't that just look really bad on me?

In what way? It's not obstructing contact to leave an abuser. Presumably the kids will still come and go from the house he is in as they please at their age anyway. For their stuff if nothing else.

Report him to the police. Get it on the books he is violent and abusive.

Stop worrying about how you will look. That's what he wants you to do. Sat about worried about issues that he's invented.

If he does go to court for contact, your daughter has a say. Do you think she would be willing to speak to your representation about his behaviour?

Pinkbonbon · 20/03/2023 13:03

Put it this way - if a man left his wife (for any reason) and the kids decided to spend lots of time at his house, would that be obstruction? Of course not.

You have the same right. You can leave any partner at any time for any reason. Abuse or no abuse. And your children are old enough to decide where they want to spend their time.

Pinkbonbon · 20/03/2023 13:13

Also, of course he'll claim to be the victim. But so what? Do you think judges and solicitors haven't seen that shit a million before?

And anyone in your day to day life that believes him, well, they can just sod off.

Don't waste your life trying to prove your goodness, innocence, worth, fairness, sanity or loyalty to anyone. Let alone pricks like him. Its a merry go round you'll never get off.

Just do right by yourself and your kids. Do all you can to be free of him.

Once you're in a safe place, start reading up on narcissists and abusers. To help you break down what was going on and regain your equilibrium.

SavBlancTonight · 20/03/2023 13:23

I assume you've posted before as other posters seem to know your situation. But with zero previous knowledge of your situation, it sounds to me like he's using this claim that he wants to separate as a way to control you. I'm assuming he is the one who said the courts will take a dim view of you leaving as he's already said he wants to separate? I really don't understand that. if anything, even more so that once you've both agreed to separate, the sooner you start that process the better.

Ignore whatever he tells you. Decide what YOU want and need and do that. He can then fight and complain and argue as much as he likes but it's not relevant to YOUR decision making.

Pinkbonbon · 20/03/2023 14:01

I haven't seen other posts but theres plenty of signposts in this one to see ops situation. Abusers follow a certain pattern. The man's hit plenty of the markers already so it apparent exactly who he is and what he's all about.

I have no doubt that the flat is just a red herring. It's a common abuser tactic to act like you might finally be getting what you want from them and then, whip it out from under your feet. It's intended to confuse and destabilise you. To break you. In this case it has the added bonus of keeping op with him indefinitely, hoping he will leave her- because she thinks if he is the one to leave, the fallout will be less severe.

He has no reason to leave. Why would he?

Unless, he's having an affair and planning to move to the new place with her. Which is possible. But I'd hazard a guess that he would not have bothered to tell op about the flat if that was the case. Then again, he could be dangling it infront of the other women too in a 'I'm obviously leaving my wife why do you have no patience?' Kind of way.

But op had made no mention of possible affair so there's no way to know that for sure.

The one thing we do know for sure though, is you can count on abusers to abuse. So we can be confident that this flat, is not intended to be ops saving grace.

Pinkbonbon · 20/03/2023 14:20

Actually, there's a thought. I wonder if you tried to convince him that you want to give things another shot...he would suddenly decide to leave? Maybe even initiate the divorce.

Sort of, reverse psychology.

I guess it depends on how malignant he is though. If he's high on that spectrum, he might think 'oh goodie, another way to hurt her' and do that.

Some of them are just selfish and if you get hurt by their actions it's just an added bonus because, they resent you anyway. Some of them actively enjoy hurting you.

Anyway, I've posted too much already xD but, just a thought. Certainly don't waste much time with it if you do attempt it.

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