Years of non commitment - thoughts please?

[LongtallStory]

I've been with DP for four years(both divorced). We both have two dc, who occasionally meet but are the wrong ages to combine. We also live in different towns (twenty five miles away).

I'm now mid forties and I asked him whether once his kids have grown up he'd want to live together (about five years time). He was non committal, said he'd want to stay close to their home town, my dc are a bit younger so I couldn't move due to their schools. So basically no.

He's mentioned marriage a few times but clearly it's nonsense as there is no intention to live together, let alone marry.

He stays at my house three days a week. He contributes a bit but obviously it's nothing like living together, sharing the bills etc. I'm sad that it looks like if I stay with him we would never be in a committed living together relationship.

He probably did future fake me in the early days, with suggestions of more commitment etc. At this stage I guess I'd just like to know that we plan to be together full time in a few years. Maybe I'm expecting too much?

Hi OP. Sorry to read about this. I’m currently in the early stages of a relationship that I think will end up like this. At your point I think I’d leave. Sad as it is, I know I’d want to live with someone again, I’ll be too lonely otherwise. I think if my bf promised we’d marry/move in once one set of kids left I’d stay. So, same.

It can work really well both having your own place but you both have to want this arrangement and probably more expensive than living together.

It's unfortunate if you don't see the relationship progressing in the same way. Worse than unfortunate if you have been mislead.

However, some commitment aversion is very common for second and later-in-life marriages.
I will never re-marry and will only co-habit if that's somehow extra beneficial to me. I wouldn't lead with that information in dating but I'd make it known if things were to get permanent and serious.

Propose to him, that will flush out his intentions.

Committment doesn't have to equal moving in together or getting married, those are just one idea about how relationships are 'supposed' to look. Make sure that you aren't applying so much pressure, in your desire to push the relationship down a specific route, that you ruin something that otherwise works well for you.

And when I say "propose" I mean - Should we set a date on things? - sort of conversation.

@QueenCamilla haha sorry I chuckled about proposing to him, but I agree, it would flush out his intentions.

I get that second time round can be daunting, but I don't want to spend years hoping we'll one day have more commitment, only to find I was just a convenience to him.

He might not have been faking, maybe he was optimistic in the early days and romanticising and the reality of your lives, separately and together, has become apparent.

It’s okay to be disappointed you’re not heading in the same direction but it’s hard to be enthusiastic about something that might happen in 5 years time. An awful lot can happen in that amount of time.

If it’s not enough for you that’s a fine reason to split up. From his POV the status quo has worked for 4 years, change is only likely in another 5, so what’s to commit to.