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Relationships
Today is hard
Spottycarousel · 19/03/2023 11:59
Mother's Day is always painful for me. I had a difficult upbringing then went onto have one DC who is now an adult and has severe SEN. He has no concept of Mother's Day and now lives in a placement. I have no relationship with his dad and haven't had for years. I know in myself that I've done all I can for my DS but there's no one to acknowledge that, on one to say that I'm a mum. It hurts on days like this. I didn't have any more DC for various reasons but that's always a source of grief too.
I know this sounds like a bit of a pity party and I don't mean it to. Honestly, most of the time I'm okay, I cope. I love my DS and I know in his own way he loves me. It's just hard seeing mums and kids and expressions of love everywhere.
determinedtomakethiswork · 19/03/2023 12:01
Oh that is a sad situation. You sound like a really lovely mum. I'm sure your son does appreciate that. 💐
IncessantNameChanger · 19/03/2023 12:08
Happy mothers day 💓 my son has severe sen too. He loves you. I'm sure of that. You are the most amazing sort of mum there is. Selfish, devoted, you would do anything for your child. I'm sure of that too. Treat yourself and pat yourself on the back for getting child the best possible outcome he could achieve, because I also know getting a care package would have been no walk in the park for you.
Summer2424 · 19/03/2023 12:11
@Spottycarousel Happy Mother's Day 💕🌸 sending you lots of love on this day, you are a great Mum x
Spottycarousel · 19/03/2023 12:22
IncessantNameChanger · 19/03/2023 12:08
Happy mothers day 💓 my son has severe sen too. He loves you. I'm sure of that. You are the most amazing sort of mum there is. Selfish, devoted, you would do anything for your child. I'm sure of that too. Treat yourself and pat yourself on the back for getting child the best possible outcome he could achieve, because I also know getting a care package would have been no walk in the park for you.
That is such a lovely response and really means a lot to me, thank you.
Spottycarousel · 19/03/2023 12:22
Thank you everyone for being so kind, it really helps.
IncessantNameChanger · 19/03/2023 13:59
I know what it's like. My friends son has a child even more disabled than mine. He can't talk but I know he adores her. You just see it and feel it. Remember communication isnt just verbal or written. I'm sure if you sit and think you can see he loves you, he would send you a card or call if he could. Also he would be more likely to do than most sons as he knows how much you have done for him. I'm betting your a fantastic mum, and I'm proud of you. Do celebrate your awesomeness. Even if it's a walk in the rest air and buying your favourite chocolate. Buy yourself something nice and remind yourself you are very much a brilliant mum who's child loves them very much. Have a wonderful day ❤
EarthSight · 19/03/2023 17:31
I sorry OP. That sounds really tough. Do you cmmunicate much with mothers in the same position such as yourself? I know it's not going to compensate, but thinking you could do with similar company that understands the emotional hardship.
maddy68 · 19/03/2023 17:40
m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=pfbid02HKXusDyMGUNFpTph1anYNEy9RyDPKiGjsEU9mkDDxDLwaxNhQCXdq3bszHokGMibl&id=100064528549137&sfnsn=scwspmo
I don't know if you will find this helpful but maybe worth a look
Spottycarousel · 19/03/2023 17:47
IncessantNameChanger · 19/03/2023 13:59
I know what it's like. My friends son has a child even more disabled than mine. He can't talk but I know he adores her. You just see it and feel it. Remember communication isnt just verbal or written. I'm sure if you sit and think you can see he loves you, he would send you a card or call if he could. Also he would be more likely to do than most sons as he knows how much you have done for him. I'm betting your a fantastic mum, and I'm proud of you. Do celebrate your awesomeness. Even if it's a walk in the rest air and buying your favourite chocolate. Buy yourself something nice and remind yourself you are very much a brilliant mum who's child loves them very much. Have a wonderful day ❤
My DS doesn't have much language. He can say a few words but you can't have a conversation with him. I'm sure he understands a lot though.
Thanks for your kind words. I feel very tired and wrung out from the day but trying to remain positive and remember all I do have.
Spottycarousel · 19/03/2023 17:49
EarthSight · 19/03/2023 17:31
I sorry OP. That sounds really tough. Do you cmmunicate much with mothers in the same position such as yourself? I know it's not going to compensate, but thinking you could do with similar company that understands the emotional hardship.
To be honest I don't. I never have because I've always felt it would be too painful. I know that probably isn't the case but even mums with severely learning disabled children tend to have other children and have that relationship with them whereas for me it's nothing. I know that doesn't take away their grief over their disabled child, of course it doesn't, but I still feel alone with mine. Maybe I will reach out to people someday.
Spottycarousel · 19/03/2023 17:49
maddy68 · 19/03/2023 17:40
m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=pfbid02HKXusDyMGUNFpTph1anYNEy9RyDPKiGjsEU9mkDDxDLwaxNhQCXdq3bszHokGMibl&id=100064528549137&sfnsn=scwspmo
I don't know if you will find this helpful but maybe worth a look
Thank you for this.
EarthSight · 19/03/2023 20:13
Spottycarousel · 19/03/2023 17:49
To be honest I don't. I never have because I've always felt it would be too painful. I know that probably isn't the case but even mums with severely learning disabled children tend to have other children and have that relationship with them whereas for me it's nothing. I know that doesn't take away their grief over their disabled child, of course it doesn't, but I still feel alone with mine. Maybe I will reach out to people someday.
EarthSight · 19/03/2023 17:31
I sorry OP. That sounds really tough. Do you cmmunicate much with mothers in the same position such as yourself? I know it's not going to compensate, but thinking you could do with similar company that understands the emotional hardship.
There might be more out there than you think. Maybe not women with a child with the same condition, but women who've decided not to have a second child because of their first. In some ways, you might have some similarity to women who are infertile.
Choconut · 19/03/2023 20:18
I know it's not quite the same but you deserve to treat yourself on mothers day. What an amazing mother you are, you need to tell yourself if there's no one else to do it! x
Spottycarousel · 20/03/2023 10:52
Thank you so much everyone. I felt so sad all day. Still do. It helped to post here. I have a cold so I didn't see my DS (he's thin and scared he'd get really sick) but I feel guilty that I didn't go or make any contact with the carers. I just feel really awful. You're probably all right that I need to seek some support somewhere. I think I need to cry too but it's not happening as yet. I'm just trying to take care of myself. Thanks for all the support.
Ofcourseshecan · 20/03/2023 11:32
Guilty is the last thing you should be feeling, OP. You are a loving mother. 
chatelai · 20/03/2023 12:13
Have a cry, then eat something nice. You are looking after yourself, and that's the best gift you can give.
I don't have children, for various reasons. The cards one is dealt are unfathomable sometimes. I look at the influence I've had on others growing up, though, and realise that there is more than one way to be a mother! Your way has been tough, and you sound awesome.
My friend's daughter is fairly severely SEN, she's an adult now. She doesn't really 'get' Mother's day, but does get food! Friend and daughter went out yesterday for a lunch of slightly forbidden junk food. Does your son like a particular thing to eat, or to do a certain activity? Maybe you could start a new tradition.
Spottycarousel · 20/03/2023 15:49
Thanks for the kind words. I aim to see my son this week. He is very particular about activities so it's hard to think of anything else but food is definitely a bonus for him.
SparklingLime · 20/03/2023 16:12
It sounds like you've had many of the very hardest parts of motherhood, but many of the easier, lighter parts are not accessible to you. That sounds so hard. I hope you can have a nice moment when taking some favourite foods.
Spottycarousel · 20/03/2023 16:26
SparklingLime · 20/03/2023 16:12
It sounds like you've had many of the very hardest parts of motherhood, but many of the easier, lighter parts are not accessible to you. That sounds so hard. I hope you can have a nice moment when taking some favourite foods.
That's the best way of putting it that I've ever considered. Yes, agonisingly hard, without enough good and connected moments that make motherhood so wonderful. Not that there weren't good moments, but v few and far between. Now my ds is no longer with me and it's a weird mix of relief and utter emptiness. Days like mother's day stir up the grief that will never really end. Like the death of a child I think it's something to live with.
IncessantNameChanger · 20/03/2023 22:13
The grief is something that no one else can ever get unless they have been there. The grief for the life you thought you was getting but will never be. It's just so unfair. The why me, why us. I am very lucky in some ways but I still find the why us crushingly hard at times. It's like waves, I think I do better if I let the waves sweep me away. Always feel better after a good cry.
Spottycarousel · 20/03/2023 22:17
Thank you both. I can't seem to cry at the moment. No idea why. Maybe I will put a sad movie on tomorrow and see if that helps. The stress affects me physically otherwise. And yes, no one can really get it unless they've been there.
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