Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Relationships
Adult bully
Potsofflowers · 18/03/2023 22:32
How do you manage an adult bully?
I ignored for a long time but that hasn't helped.
I am not looking for an online diagnosis here. I do think there is something wrong with her but I am not qualified to diagnosis her.
- She found offence easily
- Carries so much around with her
- Files old rows at the back of the her mind but never forgets about them and throws them at you again and again.
- has prolonged hatred
- intense hate
- prolonged and intense revenges.
- bounced from one to another finding issues and 'cutting contact' but never really cutting contact, maintaining a life of revenges.
There's been 10 yeses of abuse against the family.
For the most part a lot of us has ignored her in the hope that she will go away and he bored. One sibling ignored her at first but his buttons were pushed so many times, he responded to her and he was revenged most.
She tried to wreck everything. Shame us and humiliate us and its over and over and over again.
I think maybe mothers day might be triggering her and she started it up all over again.
The family took steps at minimising this and blocking her but she still finds ways around blocks. When she does make contact - it's filled with insults and it's petty and it's old rows and it's twisted and I get the impression that the only feelings that matter are hers and hers only. There is often unwritten threats and coercion to serve her feelings and provide her with the answers she's looking for.
Often over petty stuff that she filed away into her mind.
I don't live in England where there's better laws unfortunately.
I think if I was living in England the police and the law would be better and thus would be over. Where I am from, the police siad they needed her to act in a violent manner before they will take action and they said its a civil matter. I explored the civil route and its awful. The only option open to me is an injunction and I don't have the means for it.
This person is a bully, through and through.
She wants to tear us down and wreck everything.
I feel she has unwritten goals and that is to bully us into ending our own lives to pay punishment on our mother. They never saw eye to eye and she's holding a lot from her childhood. A lot of it is misdirected anger.
The parents relationship was broken and we lived in poverty due to my father's alcoholism.
She doesn't have a bad word to say about him and all her hate is at the parent who stayed. She wasn't perfect and she had it in for me too sometimes but at least she stayed and she wasn't an alcoholic or an evil person and life wasn't easy for her living with him. A lot of her issues I think is stemming from her childhood.
Enough is enough now. We are all close in age and we all went through the same home.
She's a bully through and through.
She would paint a picture of being a nice, victimless angel.
She's a bully who only wants her own way.
How do I deal with this.
I often ignore her.
I had a friend before who was in an abusive relationship and she got nowhere with the authorities. She eventually took to her facebook and she wrote a post and exposed him but that was it then. He stopped. I am thinking about doing the same.
I don't know any other way of dealing with this when the professionals failed me.
If people knew what she was really like. What she's really capable of doing and saying. I don't know if that's the answer or if that would only fuel her anger. But then, if I was to expose her she could likely do the same and twist everything.
She's someone who needs to talk to someone but she won't do that in favour of lashing out time and time and time and time again.
At one point in the past, I gave her what she was looking for and all she did was rip it apart and dismiss it and mock me and I had to walk away.
I thought about the possibility of a mediator, but she did far too many revenges, one too many times for any of that. She's evil.
She doesn't even want a sibling relationship with me. She just wants me to engage with her and give her answers she thinks she is owed and I don't have them because she's irritational.
Potsofflowers · 18/03/2023 22:43
The time line for the abuse and harassment has been 10 years. Her hate is as fresh today as it was back then.
Interrogation is the best word to describe a lot of the above in the opening post. She wants to focus on all the old stuff and rows but only just my part and not hers, that doesn't matter. Interrogation and if her feelings aren't fulfilled that's when the mockery and the unwritten threats and the shaming and the humiliating to others all happen.
Potsofflowers · 18/03/2023 22:59
I think maybe mothers day might be triggering her and today I got emails after emails after emails from her.
She opened the emails but first calling me a 'c*ck sucker'. Then she went into taking in older ex partner of mine that had nothing to do with us falling out together. She just likes to hit me with her points about him and try and hurt me. She started the interrogation demanding for answers about my behaviours on old rows and demanded for answers about her feelings. Then she went onto to making jokes about me 'small titties'.
All of it ignored. The police where I am won't do anything. I haven't seen her in years but her focus is still on me. The rest of our siblings are the same. We haven't seen her in years but we all get it from her.
Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 19/03/2023 07:54
Your sister?
That sounds incredibly tough.
I think it's time to accept she is not able to change and stop reading any of her communications and ignore her completely.
Thelnebriati · 19/03/2023 12:26
There is something you can try but its not guaranteed to work. You can reply 'I hope you manage to find peace one day.' And leave it at that.
Sometimes a display of resilience causes them to feel shame and back off.
In future have her emails sent to your spam inbox, then you can choose to ignore them or read them.
HumourReplacementTherapy · 19/03/2023 13:13
Stop reading them.
Block her email address and if she creates a new one block that too but don't read the content.
Change your own email address.
She wants a reaction.
TheShellBeach · 19/03/2023 13:18
Potsofflowers · 18/03/2023 23:00
I have nothing to say to her to be honest
Then you must ignore her completely. She's feeding off the reaction you're giving her.
Pay no attention.
Watchkeys · 19/03/2023 16:20
Does she have any power to change anything in your life, other that the way you feel when she communicates with you?
Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 19/03/2023 16:22
Delete unread every time. Block again and again.
GlassBunion · 19/03/2023 17:35
Yep.
Delete unread every time.
Or block.
Move on with your life and leave her's behind.
Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 19/03/2023 17:37
No disrespect op but even telling us is giving them headspace! Delete and have a coffee and a cake. Reward for dealing with their crap...
Praise yourself for not getting worked up.
BMW6 · 19/03/2023 18:07
I agree with others. Don't bother reading anything from her, block or send straight to spam.
Don't react in any way. Drop the rope and walk away.
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.