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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So this is what happened on my birthday

32 replies

Sh179 · 18/03/2023 19:12

Four years with someone, don't live together, him about 40 mins from me. I take the day off on my birthday as I'm due time anyway. He happens to have a half day and says the night before he'll "call in for a cup of tea on my way home"! I decide I'd like to do something more so I book a restaurant and tell him when he arrives on my birthday. He says "who's driving?" the five minutes to the restaurant. I know by his tone he doesn't want to, so I drive, he has one drink and I don't. Afterwards, he said he enjoyed it and that I should do more spontaneous things like this in future. I was disappointed with the card he gave me... it had a rude joke on it, just like something you'd send to one of the lads. He did give me cash for a facial. He went home that evening.

Bear in mind for two of his birthdays I took him on weekends away. I didn't expect this to be reciprocated - would have been happy with him just booking a meal somewhere nice and a nice card.

Am I overthinking this and being silly?

OP posts:
Oopsiedaisyy · 18/03/2023 19:16

Everyone seems to having crap men experiences on their birthday currently

So, I'll advise what i said on another thread...

I've been enjoying our time together, but your lack of effort for my birthday is making me question whether this relationship is giving me what I'm look for"

FeltCarrot · 18/03/2023 19:16

No. That’s crap behaviour from him, I’d be pissed off if I were you.

Inca22 · 18/03/2023 19:18

"I didn't expect for this to be reciprocated.."

That's your problem. Set a higher fucking benchmark.

Sorry, you only have one life. Spend it in a way that benefits and celebrates you. If you keep giving him great birthdays and he doesn't for you, what impetus will he have to ever change.

CalamityClam · 18/03/2023 19:19

And you know that bit where you offer to drive because you know he doesn’t want to?
fuck that shit.
When he says ‘who’s driving?’ you say, ‘I’m hoping that you will. It’s my birthday. I’d like a drink.’

carriedout · 18/03/2023 19:20

Bear in mind for two of his birthdays I took him on weekends away. I didn't expect this to be reciprocated - would have been happy with him just booking a meal somewhere nice and a nice card. Your standards are too low.

I think you should show this one the door and find someone who treats you better.

Ihatethenewlook · 18/03/2023 19:22

CalamityClam · 18/03/2023 19:19

And you know that bit where you offer to drive because you know he doesn’t want to?
fuck that shit.
When he says ‘who’s driving?’ you say, ‘I’m hoping that you will. It’s my birthday. I’d like a drink.’

That’s what stood out for me. His behaviour is diabolical. What’s worse is the op is apparently on eggshells to the point where she can’t even say ‘it’s my birthday so you are, especially as I’ve had to arrange my own meal out’!

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 19/03/2023 00:29

Afterwards, he said he enjoyed it and that I should do more spontaneous things like this in future.

😂Did he indeed?!

& what spontaneous things does he ever do for you?

That was a lacklustre effort (or total lack of) on his part.
What does he bring to the relationship through the rest of the year?

StormTreader · 19/03/2023 01:00

Of course he enjoyed it - you arranged a meal for him on your birthday, like it was his birthday. Who doesn't want two birthdays with no expectation to arrange even one in return?

LadyClaude · 19/03/2023 01:02

He sounds self centered and selfish (and boring - cup of tea? On your birthday!?)

I hope this time next year, you will update this thread and tell us how you're being whisked away to somewhere fabulous by a new bloke!

QuickNameChangeForMeToday · 19/03/2023 01:04

Sometimes we have to know our worth… because the people who should love us don’t seem to.

I wouldn’t be putting myself second for another year.

Lifeispassingby · 19/03/2023 01:06

In short people treat us how we allow them to treat us. If you’re disappointed then tell him so, not us……….

Rainbowqueeen · 19/03/2023 01:27

That would be the end for me. You deserve far far better and staying with him just stops you finding it

EmmiJay · 19/03/2023 01:28

Where the heck are yous finding these shitty men please?! This is the 4th crap man story I've read on here in 10mins. 🗣Tell him to do one! His time is up!

2catsandhappy · 19/03/2023 06:34

Who paid for the meal?

Roselilly36 · 19/03/2023 06:38

2catsandhappy · 19/03/2023 06:34

Who paid for the meal?

Yes, you beat me to it! My first thought too.

firstmummy2019 · 19/03/2023 07:05

Please say he at least paid for the meal!

Original poster
Sh179 · 19/03/2023 07:17

Good to get opinions that I'm not overreacting. In fairness he did pay for the meal. Overall, we don't argue at all but the relationship isn't great, I feel like he means more to me than I do to him and that I'm just handy to hang out with occasionally. I think I've low self esteem and have always been a bit of a people pleaser. I sometimes feel anxious around him as he's somebody who always tends to think he's right and likes things done a certain way and will sometimes correct me/ show me how things should be done.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 19/03/2023 07:18

So his effort was to buy a card and stuff some cash in it ? Time to Chuck him back and move on.

wildseas · 19/03/2023 07:20

I’d have a conversation about how it’s a bit awkward that you have mismatched birthday stuff and ask what he thinks is reasonable more long term.

If he says weekend away etc then ask him to plan something for missing yours. If he says cup of tea and the birthday person does all of the rest of the work then do that for his birthday.

Neither approach is inherently wrong but it’s not reasonable that you’re making loads of effort and he isn’t.

Tomkirkman · 19/03/2023 07:22

Me and dp don’t make a big effort for eachothers birthdays.

But the difference is, we both don’t do much.

He said he was popping in for a cuppa. You put big effort into his birthday and the effort he put in was a card, some cash and popping in for a cuppa.

You booked a meal without telling him, because you knew he wouldn’t go to the effort or even possibly put it off if you told him advance. You have got used to playing these games, so that you feel he has invested some time and energy into you. But it’s coming from you.

The relationship you want and are trying to have, isn’t the relationship that he is in.

This isn’t working for you, so think about calling time.

callthataspade · 19/03/2023 07:23

Belated happy birthday!

I'm glad you're here and listened to everyone telling you to raise your bar

But I'd like to just pick up on your last post where you mention quite casually you always feel anxious around him. He's always correcting you. This isn't normal or nice behaviour

I know exactly the kind of man you mean. Moans about never doing anything new. But makes fuck all suggestions. He puts everything on you to sort. And hell if you get it wrong...

All I'm saying is he's not a good 'un. The sort who make you feel anxious just aren't. Partners should make you feel better, happier and boost you up.

Make this your birthday present - ditching the negative arse and all the anxiety that comes with him! You deserve so much better

PortiasBiscuit · 19/03/2023 07:26

I find that if I want something it is better just to ask for it. In 25 years, my sweet, kind, delightful husband has never once “taken the hint”. It’s just not how his mind worked.
it doesn’t make for romance but he is incredibly generous once he knows what i actually want.

RedHelenB · 19/03/2023 07:48

CalamityClam · 18/03/2023 19:19

And you know that bit where you offer to drive because you know he doesn’t want to?
fuck that shit.
When he says ‘who’s driving?’ you say, ‘I’m hoping that you will. It’s my birthday. I’d like a drink.’

Setting herself up to be a martyr. They could have walked, got a taxi etc.

Jamieleecurtain · 19/03/2023 07:53

4 years and you feel anxious around him and he makes no effort for your birthday while you take him on weekends away? Walk away.

Dodecaheidyin · 19/03/2023 08:13

I sometimes feel anxious around him as he's somebody who always tends to think he's right and likes things done a certain way and will sometimes correct me/ show me how things should be done.

This doesn't surprise me after what you said about your birthday. This isn't going to get any better if you carry on this relationship. It suits him that you have low self esteem, he doesn't have to work so hard on bringing it down. Take some of his power back by knowing you are worth so much more Flowers

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