Wanting more fun?

[dunhan]

Hi all. Just looking for some views on my situation and if im being unreasonable.

I’ve been with my bf for 8 years, have kids together and live together. We had kids in our early twenties and hadn’t had any of the normal ‘fun’ teen/young adult experiences such as partying/drinking/going out etc. However, we were both the same and not interested in any of that stuff back then.

fast forward now coming into my late 20s and I’m starting to really want to have more fun experiences. I don’t necessarily want to go to a party etc but would really enjoy sitting at a bar with my partner and having some cocktails, going out somewhere fun together as adults etc.

I’ve raised the kids basically alone since they were born as bf works and now they are in school, growing up, more independent and my bf and I have reconnected more and I think it’s a great time to do more fun things together now. Granted - he does more with me now like cinema dates, shopping etc but nothing really ‘adult-ish’ if that makes sense!

he has asked me recently if there is anything in particular I’d like to do with him and to let him know so we can do it. I haven’t mentioned anything other than telling him I’m up for everything tbh. Also because I don’t like to make the decisions as he usually takes control and also he’s very anti social and doesn’t like going out-out if that makes sense.

Last year I took him to a fun adults games bar for his bday and needless to say it was NOT fun. I don’t feel like I can have a ‘laugh’ around him and when we sat in the bar with young people to elderly people all laughing, dancing having so much fun with the music blaring, we sat there awkwardly at the table and did not speak… he just stayed on his phone mostly and had a dead straight face…

Now I know I could go ahead and tell him the things I want to do but is there really any point if we aren’t really going to enjoy it? He says he’s not into these social things but if it is something he wants to do then he would be. Also, he had fun date experiences with girls in the past, different places even a pub and club! But never with me?

i don’t have friends or anyone else I could go with and don’t easily have childcare options to do that anyway. I just want to have these fun times with my partner. What do you all think I should do?

I don’t understand the final paragraph- you say you have childcare holding you back. But you don’t seem to have the same issue when he’s with you? If you do stuff without him he can be the childcare?

Also, what exactly do you mean by ‘adult’…. Are we talking along the lines of swingers and sex parties, or just doing stuff like going to a club for a dance maybe going to a salsa class etc?

Apologies I know I weirded it strangely!

so my childcare is limited, he works a lot so if we were to arrange something I could ask my mil the odd occasion. I don’t have any friends to go with but would prefer to go out with him anyway.

By ‘adult’ (sounds silly I know!) I just meant doing things such as going for a cocktail at a bar and having a chat, going to a nice restaurant, one of these adult-games places etc. just not the typical cinema trip that we did as teens!

Do you work? Have any separate time from home and your partner?

You need to try to relate to each other. It's where the word 'relationship' comes from. Tell him what you'd like. Ask him what he would like. Meet in the middle.

okay, I understand.

To be honest I think some of the things people do as a teen are fun adult things so I wouldn’t discount them. But it sounds like you’re wanting activities where you’ll talk to each other and connect (cinema is fine but sitting next to each other not having a conversation isn’t always brilliant!)

Maybe he needs something with some structure to get into the activity - something where he gets clear focus and direction (no need to think of a conversation). Could you try suggesting;

• escape room activity
• salsa/samba class (I wish my partner would go to these… he caved once and that was it!) or other dance class.
• Alpacca walking (did this once it was brilliant… and it’s kid friendly for if you wanted to invite the whole team)
• visiting a sculpture park (we did Yorkshire sculptures park, it was lovely, properly grown up experience… I’m not really into art either)
• the theatre (we watched Book of Mormon recently but we’ve seen rocky horror, little shop of horrors, circus of horrors…. None are kid appropriate. I’ve also been to the ballet and seen Joseph with other people.. not a cheap date but it feels more intimate than the cinema and you could have a meal after)
• food tour… colleague did a guided food tour of York with her hubby and loved it.
• vinyard tour
• afternoon tea
• the zoo
• alton towers or a theme park
• hunt through ‘uniquely local’ for experiences.
• join the Meetup website and see what is going on near you.
• I do yoga too and one husband and wife do it together! Again super envious that he’ll go as my partner refuses!

Of course it's completely fair enough that you feel you want to have a bit more fun, and there are a few different ways you could move forwards:

1. Are there some fun things you could do by yourself? I used to be happy to go to bars by myself for example, and would still go to the cinema/theatre/for a meal by myself, but that may not suit you of course.

1. Are there some fun things your husband would be willing to do with you, even if they don't initially fill him with glee? This is about compromise. I have a sense of what my husband actively enjoys in terms of nights out (that's fine, we can do those whenever we get that chance); what he actively hates (I don't bother suggesting these - I wouldn't enjoy it anyway if he was having a shit time); but also things he is largely neutral on - going to the theatre for example, so I don't suggest it every weekend, but once every few months he is willing to give it a go, especially when I also show willing to do stuff with him that I am not personally mad about......

1. You sound like you would be happier if you made some friends. Some people are fine without friends, but if you like going out and partying a little..... I know making friends can be harder as an adult, but it is worth going for it. Did you have friends in the past that you could possibly reconnect with over social media? Are their any moms of your kids friends you could get to know better? Partners of your husband's friends? Do you have colleagues? It can be daunting to try and move an acquaintance ship into a friendship, but it sounds like in your case it would massively improve your life and broaden your leisure options.....

Good luck! X

You have no friends? What would you do if your relationship ended?

Sorry I have no practical advice but I find it a bit sad reading that you have no friends and you’re only in your 20s. So you literally spend all your time with your partner and that’s all?

It's not healthy to have your BF as sole fun provider. It's just not normal to not have any friends and to only want to be with your BF all the time. It may vaguely work if you are into the same things, but it really doesn't look like you do have much in common. Just because he doesn't want to talk to anyone, r even you when out, doesn't mean you have to not interact with others.
It's a bit of a worry that you are happy to sit back, not voice an opinion and just let him make all decisions. Why have you relinquished all control to him- and also why are you a SAHM and not married yet? That's high risk.

I think it's perfectly normal to want to reclaim the youth and fun that you feel you missed out on, and you're still very young now anyway.

He sounds like he doesn't like going out much and socialising, which isn't an issue in itself since people have different personalities and it's okay to not want to go out partying etc. It just depends on whether you're okay with that. However, it sounds like he's at least trying to make an effort to do some of things that you want to do so I'd take that as a huge positive. You have nothing to lose, just suggest things that you want to do. It doesn't have to be going out drinking cocktails etc, you could just go for a nice meal in the daytime, visit some museums, the zoo etc.

I think another part of your problem is that you don't really have friends. Your partner is now having to fill in that role as well. If you join some clubs and make new friends, you may find that you're happy socialising with them on nights out, whilst having quality time with your partner during nights in.

Hi everyone thanks for your responses.

yes I don’t have any friends really, as I’ve been a sahm for years now and haven’t had time to really do anything. Now the kids are at school and I don’t know where to start to make friends haha. I think I’m used to being somewhat in my own company now.

I will be honest, I’m very much open to doing many things with him as suggested above. But I do want to have some experience of going out for drinks with him, being around adult entertainment like music, having a laugh etc.

I was out in a local Center on the weekend and saw so many people, young to old, having an evening out. Music playing, dressed up nicely, having a drink and a laugh. I haven’t ever experienced that.

I’m constantly just at home in loungewear being a ‘mum’. I have so many nice clothes and shoes I’d love to wear but will never have the chance to wear them as I don’t go anywhere! I’m coming into my late 20s now and I’m never going to be in my 20s, with this body, able to dress nice and be young for much longer lol.

I hope I don’t sound silly. I may suggest it to him again and try it again, maybe see how it goes? It’s just awkward doing things like that with someone that isn’t ‘fun’. However, I think it bothers me that he has had those fun experiences and been sociable without me.

no judgement please as we have moved past this, but, he did cheat in the past and the girl he cheated with they went on many ‘fun’ dates. It was like another side of him came out for her. Now when I mention about doing any of that stuff he says he’s not interested, those things don’t phase him and he’s had enough of that stuff…

I guess that bothers me too as he has somewhat had those fun experiences and got to do those things and I haven’t. And now that I’d like to he’s not interested because he’s done that stuff and over it now so it doesn’t float his boat anymore.

im not saying he did anything wild, just restaurant dates, went to the pub, had gone to a club for a friends bday (which was a huge shock considering how anti social he is). Even the club situation, it was a colleague of his and EVERYONE was invited, he could have brought me along for that experience but he didn’t?

apart from that we are pretty boring people! (Which I’m not saying is a bad thing).

He's cheated on you and you have no friendships outside of him. The latter part is what i'd work on remedying, including getting back to work if you're not already - you'll meet new people to go out with, he can watch the kids. Presumably you were watching the kids while he was out messing around?. He's proved himself unreliable and no fun. Make sure you're financially independant and you have a support network...it's a win win.