He's struggling because he doesn't really have any friends, and doesn't know how to make some due to his SA. He really struggles a lot with social situations. The thought of trying to form relationships stresses him out so much that he doesn't even feel it's worth the effort. It's having a severe impact on his happiness though.
I've recently found myself with a small but solid group of mum friends, and we've been out a few times - he's (understandably I suppose) worried he will be left alone with nothing to do when I socialise. It's causing him really unhappiness. Not that I go out a lot by any means (twice in approx the last 3-4 months), but more than I really have since our eldest (7) was born. I've turned down an invite for this evening, in part because I've been out recently and I know if I suggest going out again it will upset him.
We have "joint" friends who we do socialise with from before children (most have children of their own now) - so we go out as a family with these friends. Although again not on a very regular basis as life often gets in the way and also everyone is more spread out across the country now, so these meetings are getting less frequent. And it's always me who arranges this stuff. He would never independently arrange to see anyone socially, even his oldest male friend who we're still in contact with and socialise with as a family every so often.
It's not just not having friends that is an issue - it's also things to do with the children. He hates taking them to parties, so as a result I do 99% of them by myself. Sometimes he comes, but feels miserable and awkward throughout. It's got to the point now where I figure I'll just always do them because is it worrth making him unhappy?
I don't know what to do to help him, or should I say to help him help himself, as I know deep down I can't fix this for him, but I want to support him as best I can. However he has a very negative outlook about it all, I guess as he can't see a way forward where things get better. I want to help but anything I suggest gets shot down and he gets irritated with me.
I worry for him so much and want him to be happy. Currently we're in a situation where I feel a sense of guilt for having found some new friends and that I'm forming a local social life. It's also not like he's entirely excluded from this part of my life - we socialise with some of these new friends as a family (all children around the same age). He finds this difficult too though and I don't think he ever enjoys himself when we do this.
I should add - I don't make friends easily. Since having my eldest 7 years ago I've felt very lonely at times. For a long time my only friends were all old friends. I met up with a couple of them a lot during my first maternity leave, but after going to back to work that became harder and I felt more isolated. Making good friends through meeting other children has really only just started to bear meaningful fruit in the last year or so. And this process has really kicked off my husband's current worries about the future and his own social situation.
I guess I'd love to hear from other adults with SA, particularly those with children and the pressures that brings. How do you cope? What has helped you? Is there anything your spouse or significant other has been able to do to help?