Inlaw call on Mother's Day after a fallout

[wanderingduckling]

A couple of months ago my DH and I fell out with my inlaws. This was down to them perceiving my SIL was being slighted. Of course, from my perspective, we did nothing wrong.

There's a history of rifts. Inlaws didn't speak to us for 4 months when we got engaged, again because they felt SIL had been slighted. When that happened, my DH regularly called his Dad (who would answer the phone but not chat) pleading with him to get his Mum to talk with no success.

This time around, immediately after the argument, he sent a message to his Dad suggesting a sensible solution to what they were upset about and did not chase or beg. I was very proud of him.

We didn't hear from the inlaws for 3 weeks at which point we whatsapped to wish my FIL happy birthday and send a card & gift. Another 4 weeks passed and MIL called this week. She wants to put it all behind us, threw a few zingers at my husband about how much he'd hurt them and a lot of manipulative statements.

She then requested we move on and have a video call on Mother's Day and pretend nothing happened. Video calls are our usual way of keeping in touch as we do not live close to each other but I am absolutely dreading it. I've been on edge around her since our engagement and now it feels much worse. I don't know how I can stand sitting for an hour in front of a camera whilst absorbing the untrue statements that are likely to be directed at us.

Does anyone have some tips on how to manage this conversation? We're not at the point of wanting to go NC yet. We've shown DH's parents they can't manipulate him by withdrawing communication and we'd like to see if we can successfully set some boundaries.

Video call sounds ideal. If they start with the passive aggression you can both say 'I thought we had agreed to put this behind us' and hang up the call.

As it's Mother's Day I would be telling DP to enjoy his video call with his DM and make sure I was out somewhere.

Why don't you stand up for yourselves and stick to your beliefs - the worst that can happen is they go NC with you and would that be a bad thing?

Would not bother with engaging with them on a video call, it will just a one way thing and in addition used as a means of further getting back at you both. You cannot reason with people this disordered of thinking. They’ve never apologised or accepted and responsibility for their actions have they.

His parents will keep on doing all this until he in particular says no more to being abused. I would say no more now. You both need to present a United front now because not doing so gives them the green light to lord it over you so more.

Your husband here appears to be the scapegoat in his family therefore as his now fiancé you are also scapegoated. His inertia along with any fear, obligation and guilt to his parents will hurt him as much as you. If they decided to adopt a no contact position that would be advantageous to you both but they won’t do that. You both need to drop the rope they hold out to you. I would read Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward. He could read Toxic Parents by the same author. A United front is necessary here because these people will also impact you when you are married.

Setting boundaries with them may prove to be impossible because they will actively rail against them. What is their relationship like between they and your fiancés sister?. I am also wondering why his parents feel their daughter has been slighted because she’s not taking part in any video calls nor has seemingly talked to you people. I can imagine why they feel she’s been slighted, it’s because the spotlight of attention is on you two currently rather than she.

Leave him to it and don’t be on the call. If he won’t do it without you then it doesn’t happen.

SIL sounds like a nightmare and her parents sound like stroppy, manipulative idiots who thrive on drama.

Read Toxic Inlaws, it’ll save your sanity.

Thank you for the thoughtful responses. A few clarifications.

• We are married now and yes clearly it causes issues
• I want to be present for the call to support my husband. Also as the argument was because he was supporting my needs it seems appropriate
• Regarding no contact, the worst that can happen is that my husband is estranged from the entirety of his family permanently as it is a small family who live very closeby and in each others' pockets. That's a big move and one that we wouldn't do lightly when we have not exhausted salvaging the relationship.
• SIL lives 10 mins drive from inlaws and they are constantly over at her house doing DIY for her etc. She is not being slighted. We have organised family video calls in the past as well which she refused to engage with.
• This argument originated because we sent a message in the family whatsapp channel which the 5 of us are in. We make a point of making all communication visible to manage some of this drama. Clearly it didn't work this time.

From the majority of the messages, the underlying theme seems to be that if they make a jibe we need to clearly call out that they are doing exactly what they said they didn't want to do, and, tell them its unacceptable? I.e. don't let it drop.

The Mothers Day call is more about your mil and your husband than you, I would have thought. I'd say hello at the start, make an excuse to leave early on and then bob back towards the end. I'd leave my husband to chat with his mum and forge his own relationship with her.

I understand you're wanting to be on the video call to support your DH. How about you both think through some likely scenarios and what you'll do if one happens.

For example if MIL raises the 'reason' she wouldn't speak to your DH. He has to say - hey Mum I thought we were putting this all behind us? Change the subject. If FIL raises the 'fallout with SIL' again challenge - Hey dad though we were putting this all behind us. Change the subject. Agree between you how many passes they get - one each, 2 between them. And if they hit the magic number - Hey look we agreed to put all this past stuff between us, and you keep raising it, so we'll drop off the call now and let you think about how we'll deal with this in the future. Keep talking through them if they try to interpret - get you're point across. And leave the call with a cheery wave.

I'm guessing here, but hopefully this will give you a flavour for what I mean. Also remember your MIL has suggested everyone puts everything behind them - so follow 'her rules'

Let him do the call and you sit in the room but out of shot reading a book or on MN. You can shout hello and then leave them to it
You can support him but it’s for Mothers Day and she’s not your Mum

"Regarding no contact, the worst that can happen is that my husband is estranged from the entirety of his family permanently as it is a small family who live very closeby and in each others' pockets. That's a big move and one that we wouldn't do lightly when we have not exhausted salvaging the relationship".

Relationships are two way and what have his parents done here to salvage things. From what I can read here, nothing. It will be ever so. These people do not change and they are not going to say sorry. These people thrive on drama; you need to drop the rope entirely here and withdraw completely from them.

Tomorrow's call will be a shit show from the beginning. There is no reasoning with people this dysfunctional and both of you could come away from this feeling utter shit. Remember that you don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to. You can choose to disengage instead.

How strong is your H when it comes to his parents; can he stand up for both himself and you here as individuals with your own personalities and opinions in your own right?.

There is nothing to salvage here relationship wise; its their way or no way as far as his parents are concerned. FIL is his wife's willing enabler and MIL here is the narcissistic matriarch. Their family sounds awfully enmeshed and enmeshment is not emotionally healthy. As for boundaries, in such families these are not recognised.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; your SIL is the golden child and your H is the scapegoat. Therefore you are also scapegoated. If you go onto have children they will be far less favoured than your SILs offspring too.

I would say to your H that he does not need their approval, not that they would ever give you this anyway. Healthy relationships are built on respect, and it can be hard to respect someone when they repeatedly treat you poorly.