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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I can buy a House and Leave Secretly

13 replies

BigMov · 18/03/2023 11:12

I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship, I have had therapy and layed down a lot of boundaries for me and my daughter. This escalated things and I have now decided to leave.
I have a house that is in my name, I could sell this and buy one near where we currently live and then move out.
I have alot of fear around this, I am afraid he will find out. I also feel it is such a treacherous thing to do.
The reason I want to do it is if I say i'm leaving and say my intention he will make it extremely difficult for me and Daughter. He has the house we live in and money that far outweighs what I would have in the house buy many 100's of thousands.
I don't earn very much mony and it is not regular as I have my own business that has been run down as I do all the child care.
I have an adviser at women's aide and they are very supportive Im just wondering if anyone has done this...to me it seems extremely massive and frightening.
Thankyou

OP posts:

billy1966 · 18/03/2023 11:16

Have you asked 101 for advice about leaving?

Have you removed/have copies of all important documents, passports?

Are you married?

Pileofjeans · 18/03/2023 11:16

I haven't done this op but wish you the best of luck. Do you have friends or family you can stay with while you sell the house? Or money to rent somewhere? It might take a long time to sell. Presumably it's too far away for you just to move into?

I'm sure it feels massive and scary but keep going and a year from now you'll feel so proud of yourself, lighter and happier

Original poster

BigMov · 18/03/2023 11:24

We are Married, We moved a long way to be near his family and I've never had good relations with mine. I am building friends hear but I don't have best friends that i could stay with yet. If I rented my money would run out very quickly and I can't claim as own a house and he earn way to much money for that. I have been offered to go to shelter but I feel it would be so unsettling for daughter would already is suffering emotionally. Things have calmed down after Christmas when they were very bad and he says he has realized how he was and changed. But I know this can't last.

OP posts:

sobeyondthehills · 18/03/2023 11:44

I havent done this, but I work in a solicitors office, that deals with the legal side of buying and selling houses.

(This might work differently for other places) but if you tell your solicitor that you in a domestic abuse situation, they will put a lock on your account and make sure that any thing relating to the sell or purchase is given to you in the best way you think.

The lock will give you privacy and also make sure no mistakes are made in phoning or sending you things that your partner might see

billy1966 · 18/03/2023 11:48

A refuge is far better for your daughter than an abusive home and father.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 18/03/2023 12:04

The reason I want to do it is if I say i'm leaving and say my intention he will make it extremely difficult for me and Daughter. He has the house we live in and money that far outweighs what I would have in the house buy many 100's of thousands.
I don't earn very much mony and it is not regular as I have my own business that has been run down as I do all the child care.

How about you simply move into your other house with DD, & manage the divorce from there?

You can live in it while you put it on the market, & give yourself immmediate distance from your abuser while your lawyer handles the division of assets.

Bear in mind that as you are married, your H legally owns half of your house.
However ... this cuts both ways.
Before you leave, get copies of all house, asset, pension & bank statement documentation, to file with your lawyer.
You may be surprised at what your proportion of the asset split is - do not walk away from this, it represents your security & your child's future.

Please keep talking to Womens Aid, especially about making a safety plan for leaving.

Alphyn · 18/03/2023 13:49

Just be aware that as you are married, buying a new property is likely to attract the additional 3% stamp duty as it will be treated as a second property. I’m not sure if you could get a refund after the divorce, you should seek legal advice if you’re planning to go down this route. If possible, it would be better to temporarily move into the property you already own as PP have suggested.

TheSilentSister · 18/03/2023 16:40

I did it. No kids involved. Was married and mortgage in his sole name. I was paying jointing into everything though. He was very controlling, over everything.
One day I'd had enough, walked into an estate agent and found out I could get a mortgage. I just went for it. I sold it to my 'DH' at the time as an investment opportunity. I told him we'd need to split all our finances, which he greedily agreed. Once my house was purchased, I put on the act that we were together but living separately. After a year I finally told him it was done. He went ballistic but I could walk away. Wasn't tied to him anymore. Divorce was a simple DIY job.
I know it sounds quite calculated but I was going through hell with an incredibly controlling person. I had a rash moment of clarity and went for it.

DarkDarkNight · 18/03/2023 16:47

I am assuming the house you own is in the area you moved from and is close to your support network? I would think carefully about whether you want to buy a house near your abusive partner. If you moved there for him what else is in the area for you? You may be better off making bing away.

Chooksnroses · 18/03/2023 17:24

In your position I'd move into the house you own, and sort it out from there.

category12 · 18/03/2023 17:30

Do you rent out the house you own or is it standing empty?

Original poster

BigMov · 22/03/2023 12:12

Thank you all so much.
The house is in london, tenants have have just given notice incredible timing. I realize now I can't sell secretly as of course husband put his name all over the tenancy agreement and everything that goes with it. So I will have to do it openly I can just say selling but im sure he will want to control.
I will have to be stone get the money into my account and then I can buy. I do have the offer of shelter if things go wrong and I have been offered buy 3 friends to stay but realize that could not be for a long period so I need to make a strong plan.
Women's Aid have been great.
The reason I'm not going to move back to london is my business needs a lot of large equipment and I have to move somewhere I can keep that so that I don't have to pay massive rent to higher it in London.
Also even though he has been emotional abusive, Daughter does love him and would want a relationship which I would not stop So it would be best to be here.
Thanks you again for your help very supportive

OP posts:

Thesharkradar · 22/03/2023 12:16

TheSilentSister · 18/03/2023 16:40

I think this might be a good template for you @BigMov
If you can engineer a situation where you are 'living apart together' and make that believable it will make the final stage much easier to achieve.
once you're living separately it's much easier to pretend and put on an act for the time you do spend together.

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