Tips for OLD- anxious and rejection avoidant user!

[ThisIsaNiceDress]

Just that. That’s me. Always interpret everything in the worst possible way and will go out of my way to avoid rejection. this doesn’t work well in OLD. In the past I’ve had a lot of feedback (irl) saying I’m aloof and difficult to approach. This can’t work well on OLD, even though I have no objective reasons to lack confidence when it comes to my appearance etc. please share your good tips! I literally need to be told how to approach things and behave before my default settings kick in!
thank you in advance

Would it be possible for you to have some therapy and work on yourself before launching yourself into the online dating world? Honestly, it’s a place where rejection is so standard and common, no matter who you are. Also try and remember that rejection in online dating is almost NEVER personal, there are so many time wasters and people who just don’t know what they want, that things just fall through all the time.

@Lampan I’ve had therapy for the last two years. Not specifically for that but hey. Can’t put my whole life on hold as I suspect it’s going to take much longer to ‘fix’ myself … so just looking for a little support here, instead 😊

I'd go for dating in real life instead. OLD is a cesspit in mine & many others experience.

That’s a tough one OP. I’m quite like you and OLD was so hard.

I found setting myself tasks or limits like : I would like X amount of profiles or start X number of conversations rather than focusing on the outcome of those interactions, would help me keep perspective.

You really really have to drill it into yourself that rejection is not personal - you are very often dealing with people who also have similar issues or who are there just to get validation.

Doing it in small bursts and being really clear on what you are looking for and being ruthless when evaluating how someone meets the criteria might also help.

@Silverlog im sure you’re right but just not enough time /opportunity.
so can I please have some advice for old 😊
to do/ not to do
to think / not to think etc…

@Over40Overdating that’s so useful thank you ☺️
a lot of it comes down to low self esteem, doesn’t it. But it’s not something that can be fixed that easily/quickly … imo.

Well I vowed never to chase a man again
I'm pretty similar to you
So to avoid rejection I let them do all the chasing , let them message first , let them ask you out
I won't contact them after a date even if I like them I'll let them come to me

@qqq82 That’s what my default would be, but I worry that it might attract a type of man I do t necessarily want to attract at this stage of my life, I.e. one that is very confident and a good ‘player’ (not necessarily in the bad sense of this word, if you know what I mean!)

Try DBT therapy. If it was as easy as people telling you what/what not to think you probably wouldn't be avoidant iyswim.

OLD - be Teflon. Easy come. Easy go.

Oh dear… Googling DBT…

Always interpret everything in the worst possible way and will go out of my way to avoid rejection

What happened in your childhood to make you believe this was a good strategy for getting through life?

If you're in a googling mood, try remedial hypnosis. It can achieve in one month what 2 years of therapy hasn't...

I would say - practise getting rejected; you’ll find you get increasingly able to deal with it. In life, we learn how to deal with experiences by going through them, not by avoiding them. The men on OLD aren’t gods. They don’t define you. You don’t need to be defined by their rejection. You can just breeze on by.

You know that your avoidant approach isn’t serving you and that you need to start doing things differently. Most people don’t like being rejected but they accept that it is a risk of putting themselves out there. The more you embrace the experiment of putting yourself out there, the easier it will become.

Good luck with that

A lot happened in my childhood @Eyesopenwideawake , including my father effectively abandoning me after his marriage to my mum didn’t work out. He was very emotionally damaged himself, and an alcoholic on top, and I loved him just like any little girl loves their dad. So I guess the root might be in that. Followed by a very long term abusive relationship.
I will check out the therapy you suggested. Thank you!

You're very welcome! I, or any of my colleagues, would be able to help you - www.thecontrolsystem.co.uk/find-a-practitioner