Why is it not the same?

[Angel345]

Me and my ex of 8 years broke up for a year but still live together due to selling the house.
Our breakup was messy and there were a lot of reasons involving trust as to why we split.
In the year we were apart there were a lot of name calling , anger and abuse (in arguments from him).

We’ve decided to try and see how things go with us and whether we can get the trust/spark back in our relationship as he says he still loves me and he thinks we’re each others people.

In the time we were apart I was seeing someone for 4 months who made me feel something I hadn’t felt in a while. Unfortunately he wasn’t in the place I was as he’s very laid back and our goals weren’t the same. My ex also slept with 2 people out of hurt after finding out Id been seeing someone.

So a few days in and I’m struggling to feel excited about it. I used to worship the ground he walked on and wanted marriage and babies - convinced we were meant to be together. Now I’m just racked with guilt that I can’t stop thinking about the guy I was seeing and how I wish things were different. A lot of damage was done with my ex over the last year and I’m just not sure it can be repaired …. What if I can’t fall back in love with him like I was ? What if I can’t forget all the nasty words and how I never felt good enough?

I am working on myself at the moment and I know I’ll be ok on my own but I really wanted to try and salvage what was a good relationship for most part. When do you know it’s time to completely let go?

When do you know it’s time to completely let go?

When you feel as you do now.

And by that I mean

In the time we were apart I was seeing someone for 4 months who made me feel something I hadn’t felt in a while

and

A lot of damage was done with my ex over the last year and I’m just not sure it can be repaired …. What if I can’t fall back in love with him like I was ? What if I can’t forget all the nasty words and how I never felt good enough?

Not the fact that you acknowledge the relationship used to be good.

Maybe it was but it isn't anymore.

2nd paragraph is about he wants to give it a go, he still loves you. No word of you wanting it.

I wonder if you're mostly trying out of guilt or feeling sorry for him?

It sounds like you're done, tbh.

End it and sell the house to the best offer you have had so far. Go to court if you have to and move out if you can. You are in a dysfunctional relationship that is spiralling in and out of toxicity. Eventually there will be more abuse and violence.

You should have a reason to stay with him and you only have excuses.

a few days in and I’m struggling to feel excited about it. I used to worship the ground he walked on and wanted marriage and babies - convinced we were meant to be together. Now I’m just racked with guilt that I can’t stop thinking about the guy I was seeing and how I wish things were different. A lot of damage was done with my ex over the last year and I’m just not sure it can be repaired …. What if I can’t fall back in love with him like I was ? What if I can’t forget all the nasty words and how I never felt good enough?
Why are you trying to?
it doesn't feel the same because it is no longer the same. You are no longer in love, are not excited about the relationship, & don't want to be with him - you say you know you'll be ok on your own.

In the time we were apart I was seeing someone for 4 months who made me feel something I hadn’t felt in a while. Unfortunately he wasn’t in the place I was as he’s very laid back and our goals weren’t the same.
This guy is not the solution to your problem.
Get the house sold, heal from your divorce, & spend a year or so being single & working out what makes you tick now.

It sounds to me like this relationship has run its course, OP.

I can categorically say that you are not each others people, whatever the he'll that means, he sounds abusive and manipulative, take a step back.

I would wonder why he is trying to reel you back in op, what stage is the house sale at?

What if I can’t forget all the nasty words and how I never felt good enough

Then it was too bad for you to recover from.

This was a damaging relationship, but you seem to think that you 'should' be able to recover and fall head over heels with him again.

Why do you think that?

@Watchkeys because I really want it to work. We’ve got a house , dog and he wants marriage and kids again. Just feels a waste after 8 years

Take my question to the extreme, and imagine he'd made you feel bad to the extent that he broke one of your bones. I know he didn't, I'm just taking things right to that extent to get you to try to see the difference between the question I asked, and the question you answered. You have answered the question 'Why do you want the poor behaviour to stop?' The question I asked was 'Why do you think you should be able to recover quickly from a broken bone?'

Do you see the difference?

You want the dream, I understand that but the reality is very different. The waste, would be investing more time in a relationship that has run its course.

I’m about to go through a similar situation but it’s in the other foot. My DP has said he isn’t happy etc. I want to try and make it work it’s a good relationship that evidently has lost its way a bit. I want to try as 10 years is a long time to just throw it away.

you mention about the seeing someone for 4months do you feel it was exciting because it was something new? Obviously things get the same after so many years.

if you do want it to work seek a counsellor I have spoken to one already as Im devastated and need help getting through it, but if you both want to try then I do think it would help, either make it work or see it is dead in water

It sounds like you know it’s over already and don’t actually want to try again. You don’t have to just because he wants to. Sometimes just too much happens to go back even if it was once a good relationship.

Also I broke up with someone knowing it was over and then he convinced me to give it another go and I very much regret the time I wasted when I knew in my heart it was over.

dont be with him just because you have been for 8 years… sunk cost fallacy.

Many people could not get over abuse and name calling. Why should you? And there are trust issues.

It sounds like you’d be ultimately happier moving on

@autumn1610 i think with the guy I was seeing for 4 months he treated me amazingly. There was no judgement from him , we laughed and he made me feel perfect in every way. As over exaggerated as this sounds he saved me. All of these things I hadn’t felt for a very long time with my ex. It’s almost set the bar higher and made me realise how I want to be treated and what I won’t accept.

When do you know it’s time to completely let go?

You already know it's time, so stop gaslighting yourself. Read about sunk cost fallacy. Just because you've spent 8 years together doesn't mean you should invest more time into a relationship you know doesn't work for you any longer. You'll be wasting your time and his, and you may make the horrendous mistake of adding a baby to this mess.

End it and move on.

he made me feel perfect in every way. As over exaggerated as this sounds he saved me. All of these things I hadn’t felt for a very long time with my ex. It’s almost set the bar higher and made me realise how I want to be treated and what I won’t accept

OK. This is a good realisation to make, but you are the person who is supposed to be treating you that way. Don't leave it up to the opinion of some bloke to let you decide if you feel perfect or not. The fact that you wrote this shows that currently, it is the opinion of a bloke that lets you know what opinion of yourself to hold. And that explains why you would consider continuing with such a poor relationship.

Sort yourself out before being in a relationship at all. You are the one who needs to save you. You are the one who needs to decide where to set your bar. You are the one who needs to make you feel perfect.

You try your best to reason with someone, but at the end of the day they are not treating you well. It is not 'setting the bar high' at all to expect that in any relationship you treat each other with respect, never say anything hurtful, and should 'big the other person up' so they feel great about themselves - much like after seeing a friend. Anything other than this will affect your well-being negatively and that is a slippery slope.