Financial and personal struggles within a relationship

[Alisonross]

Hi. So I'm 32 years old, have 3 children aged 12, 7 and 6. I am married and have been with my husband since I was 18.
First, a little insight into our relationship. As a new couple and both young we were in the typical honeymoon faze until I fell pregnant at 19 years old. All we did in that first year is had sex really and went out at the weekend with friends, get drunk and fall out. Wasn't big fallout just silly alcohol induced lovers tiffs. Anyhow fast forward 14 years and I am in my first year at university do my nursing degree, I work as a bank care assistant when I get the time between studies and the kids and the usual responsibilities so with my bursary and a few shifts a month I am only making between £900 to £1000 a month. Child benefit which is £140 per month and child tax credit which is £280 a month. Have 5 mouths to feed, council tax, bills, rent, 2 dogs and I'm the only one making money. Sam ( my husban) was unemployed due to chronic back pain which he had surgery for in 2019 then covid hit ( he's a chef) so because he had been off prior to covid he wasn't accepted for furlough. So I worked as a full time care assistant at that time. Sam recently went back to work in September 2022 which was great to have that financial help again and in all honesty tobhave him out the house. However with being back at work he has now done his back in and no longer has his job. So igs back to me being the bread winner but as a student this is making me super stressed and to be honest I could walk away. Its so much pressure and I don't know if that's terrible selfish of me to say that. I also have struggled with my mental health on and off since I had my youngest who is 6 so these big life altering circumstances really take its toll on me. I want to run away. I've had enough! Sorry for the long post. I guess I'm just wanting to get it all off my chest and writing it down helps me. Thanks for reading and would love for someone to tell me I'm not being selfish or even just tell me I am being selfish.
Alison.

Could he do an office job where he isn't standing all day.

He is looking into an admin Job but he would probably need to attend college for a year as he has no experience in IT but its definitely an option.working in the hospitality trade has been all he has done since he left school so trying to go into a different career needs time to get the qualifications.

Loads of other jobs he could do. He needs a job asap.

It is an awful lot for you to have responsibility for. At the same time back pain can be excruciating. My DH has several herniated discs, had always been active and the pain he now has really liked MIT's his (and my) life experiences. In our case it doesn't affect work as he is retired but I know that, even though he's done a physical job all his life he couldn't do it now. To look at him he looks as normal as ever but some days he can hardly stand let alone move about. On other days he's more active and if he was of working age people seeing him would be thinking ...why isn't he at work , must be lazy so it's very hard. I think he really will have to retrain for something more sedentary because if the problem has been bad enough to have surgery it's
a bit unlikely he will be able to do full time chef work again..Could he run a business from home where he could do the work at his best times and rest when he's worse. Maybe online cookies/cakes. I sympathize op as you can't do it all. I think he will need to find other ways of working ..either part time or his own hours. 💐

Does he do his fair share of housework and looking after the kids? Really if hes not working he should be doing the bulk of the childcare while you work. It sounds like your doing everything for everyone financially, emotionally and practically and you're fed up. That's not selfish it's normal.

You were very young when you got together and it's OK to want something different now you're older. Especially if you feel like he's not pulling his weight in the relationship.

His diagnosis at the moment with his back is sciatica, herniated/bulging disc and he also has neuropathy in his legs and feet. Currently awaiting an MRI. He is hoping for a surgical option for treatment. Also looking at applying for a temporary disability allowance until post treatment( whatever that may be). So it is quite extensive his back struggles. At this current stage he is unable to walk any distance without a pair of crutches so I'm doing the school runs, he does the dishes and takes the bins out but by the time he's done that he is physically done. So the rest of the responsibilities are up to me. I'm exhausted physically and mentally. Trying to keep a smile on my face for my children every day. Next week I am out on my first placement ( tuesday, wednesday and thursday) so will be away from the house for 13 hours and I'm worried about how he's going to manage, about all the housework and catch up I will need to do after my 3 shifts including trying to keep on top of my studies. Ahhhh. I don't know what to do