DW not being very affectionate (ssris?)

[wrex]

Evening MNers,

I'm trying to understand our relationship and hoping by writing it down and the input from people outside will help. I'm feeling really sad about it.

We got together at school and have been together for 19 years, I still look at her in the same way I did all those years ago, the love is still as fresh and exciting as the day we met and I feel so lucky to have found someone so special so early in life.

I think I've been too slow to realise though that maybe my wife doesn't feel quite the same as I do. She admitted its different for her than when we first got together :( , it's hard to explain but you can tell when there is a lot of love between two people by the body language and my wife's is leaving me feeling cold.

We've a pretty good life, live in a nice area, in a great house and never had to worry about money. Our children are pretty independent now. I'm 99% sure she isn't having an affair but I don't want to go through the motions and plod along as we are, where as she'd be happy to carry on as we are forever.

Whilst I don't know I think her previous bouts of depression may have something to do with it, she's been on SSRIs for as long as I can remember.

To try and improve things about 6 months ago I started making lots of romantic gestures, being more affectionate, DW cut the number of hours she works and I started doing almost all the house work. We even had 3 holidays and a couple of spa trips.

Sadly it doesnt seem to have reignited the fire and DW thinks I'm being crazy and that we are fine. That's ok for her but I'm not sure I want "fine".

Maybe it's me I dont know anymore, any advice or pointers would be hugely appreciated. Even if its your wrong, you're acting crazy etc. Thank you.

I also think maybe she feels she shows her love by doing something, like if it's cooking dinner or making a drink.

Just to clarify, when you say affection do you mean sex? Or all affection/intimacy?

No I don't mean sex I mean general affection, the little things that make you feel loved, like hugs, cuddling, kisses and the affectionate way people touch each other without it being sexual.

Sad as it may be, it sounds as though your wife isn't able (or willing) to provide the sort of relationship you need / want.

You don't have to stay in a relationship where you don't feel loved or wanted. You aren't obliged to stay if it doesn't make you happy, or actively makes you unhappy.

It may just be time to accept your relationship doesn't provide what you need, and call it a day.

Your wife is being unfair is she thinks you should stick around despite not feeling loved.

I hear you. Very similar boat. DCs grown up, DW rudderless & on ADs for some years which has completely killed her libido. No unprompted affectionate physical touching of any sort from her. The last time she touched me unprompted was on vacation (the only time we ever share a bedroom) when she pushed me whilst I was asleep to get me to turn over to face away from her. Her love language is “acts of service” and I am grateful for what she does around the house (not everything: we do have defined tasks each). Not sure what I hope to get out of posting, except that your post was so familiar and I just want to express that you’re not alone. I don’t want “fine” either. I know I can’t fix another person and I don’t want to live the next 30 years like this. Counselling in order to navigate how to/ whether to separate seems like the next step. It just seems so selfish of me as that is literally the only thing missing from my life. But it is a big deal and yes I do worry about what people think (not least on here) about men who leave their wives “just” because of lack of sex & affection.

she's been on SSRIs for as long as I can remember

OP, that doesn’t sound good to me. Hasn’t she had psychotherapy, counselling, anything to help solve her depression rather than just endless medication? I’m no expert, but surely that’s not doing her any good. From what I’ve seen, antidepressants may give someone enough of a ‘lift’ to start taking other measures, to break out of the rut of depression. But they have side effects. And long-term could be blunting her ability to feel.

Do get her to question this with her GP, but also seek other answers to depression. Sorry I don’t know a lot of resources, but I have seen cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) helping.

Both depression and antidepressants can make your emotions feel sort of blunted or numbed. As I say, I’m no expert, I’ve just seen SSRIs mess with people’s heads. She shouldn’t stop the drugs suddenly, that can be dangerous. You need to wean yourself off them, on medical advice.

Even things as simple as getting outdoors, a change of routine, new interests can help someone break out of the habit of depression. This looks like the main problem to me. Your wife needs to regain her natural feelings and ability to take pleasure in life.

Best of luck to both of you.