Struggling with marriage

[Newbie321ace]

Just reaching out for some support from people I don't know. I'm honestly feeling quite lonely in my marriage and it's just getting worse and worse. My husband just doesn't want to spend quality time with me. There's always work or DIY(!) or our son to take priority. We're both really busy and I know how he feels, but it's always me suggesting we have a chat or spend time together.
He often gets quite cross or impatient with me - I've posted before about the way he's spoken to me in the past. I find it hard to accept that perhaps he just doesn't like me anymore. I feel like I keep kidding myself that I can fix things - I'm constantly worrying about it and thinking about what I've done to upset him. It's ridiculous as I know deep down that I've done nothing wrong.
I'm also worried that there's something wrong - perhaps depression or something else - he never wants to do sociable things with his friends - for instance we've been invited to a big bash organised by his friends (that we both know well) and I thought it'd be great for us all to go as a family, but he just says No - he doesn't want to. He doesn't care about what I think or that I think it would be a good time to go.
I feel like I'm loosing my trust in him - he often says things that make me feel like he doesn't care about me any more. I feel like it's slowly getting worse and worse. Sometimes I will be so upset I'll snap back and say something I really don't mean - but it comes from a place of great sadness and frustration with him. But he then turns that on me, like I'm crazy.
Any advice, please let me know - I feel like I'm only just holding everything together, and I can't remember the last time he was genuinely interested in something I had to say, or to just hug me, without me asking him first.

Can't you just go to this do anyway?

It might make him stop and think. Or it'll show you you can do things without him.

For any relationship to survive, you both need to invest time in each other. Not easy with kids but you need to try and spend some quality time with each other, tell him honestly exactly how you feel inside, what isn't working for you and what you want to change in the future. It's possible you might be able to reconnect, but if he doesn't react, or reacts negatively then you might then know that the relationship has run it's course.

Ohhh dear well this just isn't on is it. Your clearly unhappy which is unfair sounds to me like you have tried to figure out what's going on without getting much back. The thing is both parties need to be willing to put the effort in for it to work. In my opinion I think you need to be abit selfish here and think about yourself more just because he's happy sitting at home your not and why should you miss out?? What I would do if I was you is talk to him again with zero distractions and say to him I'm really not happy with how things are going we don't spend any quality time together and if it continues I'm worried we'll drift further apart I'm not happy with things the way they are. Now if he's a decent partner he will try to make things better between you but if he's really not bothered in trying I think that says alot really. In that case I would personally go out and socialise when you can. He might realise he's missing out if not you need to decide how long your prepared to put up with this. It's a short life to spend with thr wrong person best of luck xxxxx

I see what you're saying, but the trouble is that I do already do a lot of things on my own. Don't get be wrong, I enjoy time to myself (it's a rarity with young children) but I'd love him to want to spend quality time with me.

Thanks for all the responses, I appreciate the thoughts and advice. I have tried to sit down with him and explain how I feel - the situation I'm then faced with is he becomes incredibly defensive - whenever I tell him how I feel about something he says things like 'I don't do that' or 'you're wrong, I don't do that' or 'that's ridiculous'. It is honestly an incredibly hard and frustrating thing to hear when you've opened up to tell someone how you feel.
I think perhaps I just need to finally bite the bullet and get some counselling and work out how to manage my situation, and to work out what to do. I just cannot bear much longer of my current situation. I go from feeling totally heartbroken and alone and lonely, to feeling really frustrated and really quite annoyed by the way he has been with me.

He seems to have checked out of your marriage. Do you think he is taking you for granted or is it more serious.
I’dgo to the party anyway, totally avoid him, drink nothing but have a whale of a time chatting to all and sundry.

I really don't know - I've often wondered if if has some depression, but it's so hard to talk to him about feelings and things like that - he gets so defensive and I start to feel I'm doing everything wrong. It can feel like I'm trying to have a conversation with a teenager rather than my husband. I've tried to be super supportive and I've told him he can tell me anything that's on his mind, but he just says he's fine. He'll get angry with me and I ask him why he's being like that and he'll just say 'like what?' If he went out more I'd be seriously worried he's having an affair or something, the way he seems so uninterested in me - but he doesn't - he doesn't keep up with many friends, I tend to have to keep our joint friendships going. When I look at the wider picture I start to realise how much I've been coping with.

I feel like you could be me writing that post OP! Won’t add more details as this is your thread but you are not alone - I could have written all of your posts and am feeling exactly the same - weird!!

Are there any other signs of an affair, other than seeming to be uninterested in you? For example spending more time looking after his appearance or spending lots of time on his phone, being secretive/cagey? You don’t say how old your kids are - could it be that he’s just struggling with fatherhood and feeling overwhelmed?

I’m so sorry OP sounds tough and like PP I have been in a similar situation. In my case, I thought my ex had depression and was ill- it turned out he had another life I knew nothing about. He had checked out of the marriage and was seeing other people, drinking in secret and generally behaving horribly while all the time I was worried about him and our relationship. I think it’s a great idea to get counselling for yourself. A relationship is meant to make our life better, it doesn’t sound like he is appreciative of you or that he enhances your life, the way he is.

@Hyppogriff Sorry to hear that - sending support your way. How do you deal with the situation?

No other signs that he's having an affair, so I'd be surprised - plus he hardly goes out on his own other than for work. He's very cagey about leaving his mobile and things like that around, but I think that's just how he is.

I've been rethinking and actually I think couples counselling might be better as I feel a little resentful that I need to do counselling on my own - and potentially go through something painful that both of us should be accountable for.

I feel like I've been kidding myself for a long time. Perhaps he has never been that interested in me and I've only just realised since having children? This situation feels like it can make you go slightly mad and start to question yourself. It's really hard.

I think you need to say all of this to him. Some people have no awareness of the impact their behaviour is having on their partner. It would be a shame if this carried on for so long that you were already out of the door emotionally before he found out the extent of the problem.

@Ladybyrd - thanks for your message. I have said all of this to him, and a lot more, and if I get really upset he'll sit down and listen to me. Otherwise he'll just say it's all nonsense. He's been like that for a while and I don't know why.

The latest is that he was really off with me all of yesterday. We've been really busy visiting family and friends but he stormed off to bed early in the end. In the night I was up in the early hours with our son - he just needed resettling which was fine, but took a couple of hours of me being in his room in the end - I was ready to crawl into bed and go to sleep by 4am. Totally shattered. I got into our bed and apparently I took too much of the duvet. I was so exhausted so didn't move immediately - so my DH push me very hard and aggressively, a few times. I'm afraid I then got very annoyed - I was already annoyed by his attitude from the whole day - so I shouted don't push and hit me like that - I've been up for 2 hours. So obviously he acted like I was in the wrong, because I shouted. He then called me names and said I'm a cow - and said smell like a pig.

I just can't take it any more. In the morning he's so kind and gentle with our son - but he completely ignores me, even in front of him. He's cold and doesn't look at me in the eyes. I can't stop crying and it is ruining what's left of our long weekend. I sort of just want him to go - go away somewhere for the day and leave me and my son to have a nice time together. But I know if I ask him, he won't. He's an incredibly stubborn person. I'd go myself but I want to spend time with my son, and why should I leave our home because of his behaviour. I honestly don't know what to do and I'm to embarrassed to tell my family or friends.

I wouldn't rule out an affair because of "lack of opportunity": cheats make their own opportunities and take risks (like sex in toilets at work, car-parks, taking annual leave/flexi secretly and pretending to go in to work to their spouses, etc).

I'm not saying your dh IS doing this, but if the only reason you're dismissing the possibility of an affair is opportunity, then you're underestimating the risks people will take.

I think you should take your son out for the day and leave him behind.

This sounds really awful, and I don't think it's sustainable.

I agree with pp about the affair and opportunities.
My exH behaved similarly and I would have also sworn it couldn't have been an affair, how would he have fitted it in?
But he did.
Affair or not though, he is treating you badly and it's not OK.
Try to get him to couples counseling if you can or if not go on your own.
I wasted years in a situation like the one you describe and I regret that now, don't make the same mistake. x

@Newbie321ace as your husband is being SO unpleasant, and it’s now escalated to ‘aggressive pushing’ I wouldn’t consider couples counselling. Get some for yourself, maybe buy the book ‘Too Good to Leave Too bad to Stay’ by Mira Kirshenbaum and see if that helps put things in perspective for you. The situation you’re in is very bad for you and your dc and it would make sense to look at how to extricate yourself.

I think he probably is depressed. But As someone thinking of leaving my marriage (suffering with mental health problems) - I think just be glad he’s sticking around. I wish I could- but don’t feel that’s an option for me…